Let’s Make Fun of a State. How About…. Michigan?

Or: In MI Colon There Is a Magic Petoskey

Things seem kind of sad and cranky here on the Medium lately. Nobody is having fun. Are you having fun? I’m not having fun. I was going to blame the weather, but the Australians on Medium are having summer right now, so that doesn’t work. How about the economy? Let’s blame the economy. It sucks, right? Yea, the worldwide economy. What a drag that thing is. I’m with you on that. What are we to do? Well, when things seem bleak and unfun, I like to liven life up by making fun of other people! Really, it’s how I cope. Yes, my parents were alcoholics, why do you ask? …I didn’t think it was that obvious. Yours too? Excellent! So are you down with the making fun of others? Where should we start? Michigan? We can’t make fun of Michigan. What about the Flint crisis?

Well, since everyone in Michigan is busy saying “We’re not Flint” maybe we should make fun of Michigan but not mention Flint. Let’s give Flint a pass.

Ten Things You Should Know About Michigan

You Should Know About the Motto

The motto of the state of Michigan is “Si Quaeris Peninsulam Amoenam Circumspice”, which means “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.” I know this because I had to repeat the first year of Latin three times. My introductory textbook attempted to demonstrate the usefulness of Latin by displaying little “Latin in real life” phrases on the margins of the pages. I spent most of each class trying to illustrate those phrases. When it worked I ended up with a Sergio Aragones cartoon for the dull. The motto of the State of Michigan was memorable because it was so easy to bastardize (i.e. Si Quaeris Sopium Amoenam Vide Infra — “If you seek a pleasant penis, see below”) and I imagined that if it ever fell upon me to suggest a motto for an educational institution I would have, “If you want to see a silly motto, look above you” inscribed over the school door in Latin.

You Should Know Where the Name Comes From

The name Michigan” is derived the Chippewa word meicigama, meaning “great water.” Whoever did the naming kind of screwed up. What a boon it would have been to song writers if the namers had adhered more closely to the native word. “Michigama” would have rhymed with “Alabama”, “Indiana”, and “pink pajama.” I know that the heyday of popular music has passed us in America, but if we could rename the state and turn back the clock there might be a song with the line “the futurama of Michigama is full of fun and melodrama.”

You Should Know That the State Stone is the Petoskey

Petoskey stone is a form of fossilized coral. Doesn’t that seem kind of bogus? If it’s fossilized coral, why don’t we just call it “fossilized coral?” Why do we call it by the place name of where it can be found? We call petrified wood “petrified wood”, don’t we? It’s not like we call petrified wood “Dairy Queen stone.” What? That makes no sense? Makes perfect sense to me. Petrified wood can be found near Dairy Queens. There are a lot of Dairy Queens near where you find petrified wood. I’ve been to the Petrified Forrest. I’ve also been to the Painted Desert. Somewhere in between the Painted Desert and the Petrified Forrest is a Dairy Queen that is much more memorable than either the Painted Desert or the Petrified Forrest. If you’re willing to call petrified wood “DQ Milkshake Stone”, then I’ll go along with your “Petoskey” rebranding of fossilized coral.

You Should Know About the Great Lakes

Michigan is bounded by four of the five freshwater inland seas. You might call those bodies of water “great lakes,” but I like to call them “inland seas”. Just because everyone else calls something by some name doesn’t mean you have to. I’ll have you know that I refer to brook trout as “speckled char” and refuse to say “biggie fries” when I want a large order of fries. I also won’t say “grande” when I want a large coffee. It’s the small things in life that make one a crank. I can’t imagine what creative Lilliputian decided to call those bodies of water “great lakes”. Lake Champlain in upstate New York is a great lake. The bodies of water around Michigan should have more majestic names that reflect their uniqueness and immensity. They should be called “seas”; “The Sea of Michigan”, “The Huron Sea”, “The Erie Sea”, “The Sea of Ontario” and “Superior.” Saying that we polluted a bunch of lakes doesn’t do justice to the scale of our environmental malfeasance. In states where they have no water… say, like Nevada…. they’ve polluted lakes. Anyone can pollute a lake. Here in little old New Hampshire we have plenty of polluted lakes, and we have less than two million people. No, in the midwest, America did something unique. Twenty percent of the world’s freshwater supply is contained in the five great lakes. We polluted 20% of the world’s fresh water supply. To be fair we should probably subtract the Canadian contribution from that figure… I mean I know Milwaukee, Detroit, Cleveland and Toledo did a lot of polluting… but Sania and St. Catherines, Ontario were probably responsible for what… half of it?

You Should Know How to Refer to People from Michigan

I was shocked to find that on a page full of facts about Michigan they used the phrase “Famous Michiganians” (Bob Seger! Glenn Frey! Tom Selleck!!!). Everyone knows that people from Michigan are called “Michiganders.” The modern convention is to refer to both men and women as Michiganders, but really women from Michigan should be called “Michigeese.” The “Michi” prefix is properly applied to the root of any of the states sub cultures, i.e.: Michihippies, Michibikers, Michigeeks, Michilosers, and Michuganas.

You Should Know How People from Michigan Refer to Where They Live

Michigan can easily be represented as a hand, so when you meet a Michigander and don’t know where the town they call home is they show you on their hand… unless they’re from the Upper Peninsula… which you would already know because they would be wearing a wolf pelt and drinking Canadian beer. The fact is, the Michigan hand can be useful for people outside of Michigan also. Allow Mayor McFreaky to demonstrate:

You Should Know About Their Institutions of Higher Learning

I was going to go on a rant about how you should not be allowed to have wolverines as a mascot if you’ve driven wild wolverines to the point of extinction. Maybe when every high school and college team in the country has a squirrel or house finch as a mascot people will start worrying about biodiversity… but then I found out that the Wolverine name comes from a dispute with the buckeyes of Ohio (they still have plenty of buckeyes in Ohio, btw) but I’ve already gone on about the environment too much in this post. Then I thought I would talk about how I’m sorry they changed the name of the University of Michigan from “Cathelepistemian” to “The University of Michigan”, but I’ve already gone on about names too much also, so the only really important thing there is to know about education in Michigan is that Magic Johnson went to Michigan State.

You Should Know That Michigan Has a Town Named “Colon”

Yes, really. It’s know for it’s manufacture of magic supplies (“abracadabra magic, not cards” — as they say in geek hobby shops) If you’re from there you can say things like “well, when I emerged from the Colon carrying my magic petoskey.” I won’t explain what body part they point to when showing where they’re from.

You Should Know About Mackinac Island

Mackinac Island is an island in the Michigan Sea between the upper and lower peninsulas. Unlike any other sea-side tourist town on this planet, it has whole shops devoted to fudge! Fudge! Fudge! Fudge! When I see water, I think of fudge! Fudge and sand, they just go together, don’t they? What’s the point of visiting a shore if you can’t fill up on fudge? That’s what you should know about Mackinac Island. Well, maybe you should know that they use horses instead of cars and “Mackinac” is pronounced Mackinaw. There. That’s about all you need to know. Horses and Fudge on Mackinaw Island. I know a lot more because I worked for the Grand Hotel on Mackinac Island as a dock porter when I was eighteen years old. So I know about fudge…. and rum… and venereal disease.

You Should Know I Don’t Know What I’m Talking About

There is much more to know about Michigan… like the 24 ft. bronze horse, Detroit and the “Tuebor” on it’s flag, but this entry has already gone on nine items longer than it should have. If you are still here, thank you for reading this fire into the mire. I deeply appreciate your interest in this garbage. You have my heartfelt thanks. I’m sorry, but I have to ask, what are you doing? Shouldn’t you be reading the newspaper or something?