Let My Mother’s Parenting Lows Be Your Parenting Highs

Don’t make these mistakes if you want long, loving relationships with your children.

A few weeks ago, I sat down for a podcast interview with a fellow survivor. The topic? What it meant to break out of the shadow of a toxic mother. My guest had been there too. With a mother who was even more heinous than mine, she had overcome a million different struggles to build a life that was finally, genuinely her own.

As we neared the end of the podcast, we started talking about the defining moments of our childhoods with these parents. My guest told a harrowing story of her mother leaving her in a parking lot while she went on a date with some guy down the road. I was shocked. But imagine my surprise when my guest turned it all around on me.

“What was the worst thing your mother did to you? What was the biggest thing she got wrong?”

I was too stunned to speak. It was a question I hadn’t bothered to consider. What were my mother’s gravest flaws as a parent? More importantly, what could be done to break her cycles and ensure that I didn’t make the same mistakes that she did?

My mother’s biggest parenting mistakes.

When I get questions like the one above, I’m often unsure how to answer them. There was so much chaos, so much upheaval, that I sometimes struggled to pick a “pile of mess” first. My mother made so many mistakes, how do I know what to pick? I needed the answer. After all, if I didn’t know, how could I be sure I was breaking all her cycles?

After I walked away from that podcast interview, I did just that. I sorted through the biggest moments, the nastiest blowups, and asked myself — what were my mother’s biggest mistakes? What were her biggest parenting sins?

Making herself the center

There’s no one on the internet who doesn’t know about my mother’s narcissism. My mother saw herself as the center of the universe and that often came at the cost of her kids. The worst of this would out itself on our big days. Weddings, birthdays, graduations. If the day was about us, it would become about her. My mother made herself the center of focus at all times.

My 12th birthday remains a great example.

I asked to go to Red Lobster, a desperately out-of-reach expense that could only be accessed once a year on the most-special of days. I had recently discovered my love for seafood (much to my mother’s rage) and wanted to stretch my legs by trying the only concept of seafood I had as a 90s child.

The simple request, that my family and I enjoy some cheddar biscuits and fried shrimp, sent my mother into a tailspin. She screamed, called me names (like “whore”), and cursed at me for making such a disgusting request on my birthday. She couldn’t eat seafood, she yelled. Why didn’t anyone ever think about her?

The same went for my graduation and the day I left for college.

Both days were filled with my mother calling me names, telling me what a failure I was going to be, and how I was arrogant and nasty. Both days are pushed to the back of my memory, forced out of sight by the sheer traumatic emotional response they can trigger in me.

In all cases, it was the same. Create a spectacle. Center as the victim. Any day about her children had to be about my mother, and if it wasn’t? God help those caught powerless in her path.

Failing to care for herself

My mother’s mistakes weren’t all yelling and screaming. That was a big thing that she never understood. You see, my mother had a bad habit of not caring for herself. Out of shape with a horrible diet, she allowed herself to deteriorate to the point that her physical health took a nose dive. By the time she was in her 40s, she was being diagnosed with things like cardiomyopathy, diabetes, and degenerative arthritis.

My mother did little care for herself, even as her health declined.

Although she was diabetic, she regularly indulged in boxes of Little Debbie treats and McFlurries along with her drive-through meals. She mocked me when I became a vegan, and rarely kept a green vegetable in her house. When the doctor told her to exercise, she spent a year floating in the pool at the local YMCA before giving that up altogether.

Her mental health was no different.

My mother had a traumatic childhood and grew into a woman with several mental and emotional issues. Thanks to her marriage, she had access to wonderful healthcare and received an early diagnosis of these issues…but she refused treatment. It all went back to her ego.

My mother refused to take her medication, preferring instead to relapse into manic states of existence and emotional dysregulation. Her mental health took over her life, making everyone else’s life hell around her.

She didn’t take care of her body, her mind, or her spirit, in truth. In so many ways, my mother was a walking husk who never took true and deep-seated action to change the quality of her life.

Keeping me infantilized

When I talk to people about their narcissistic parents, I often emphasize the subtleties to look out for. That’s the thing with narcissists (and it was the same with my mother). The harm they cause, the strings they pull, aren’t always out in the open. You have to “look under the table” so to speak at what’s going on.

In the case of my mother, this subtle string-pulling came in the case of infantilization.

My mother went out of her way not to provide me with many of the core skills I needed to be successful in life or relationships. Now, whether she did this consciously or unconsciously, is up for debate. When it comes to hygiene, cleaning my room, or developing any core skills like cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, etc, I was left in the dark.

It makes sense if you consider my mother’s narcissism. By keeping these skills from me, she created a greater chance that I (her youngest) would have to keep close to her, rely on her for things, or keep the channel open. I could never be a fully successful human without her.

Creating a lens of fear

My mother was a wizard of mindset. It was one of her most damning traits. She could get inside your head and make you see anything the way she saw it. That’s why so many people still see her as a victim even years after her death. They see the world the way she taught them to see it and that was both her gift and her curse.

It was a curse because my mother was a woman built on fear. She saw the world through a secret lens of fear she didn’t like to show people. It colored everything she did.

Though my mother wanted people to think she was fearless, in truth everything about the world troubled her and triggered immense insecurities that she masked through her ego and grandiose behaviors.

She taught me to see the world that way too.

My mother kept herself small and kept her world smaller. She didn’t travel. She didn’t have hobbies. She didn’t go out and enjoy being human in a world with other humans. She buried herself, never let herself cross any horizon, and she wanted the same for me. Stay small, stay close. Thankfully, I couldn’t see the world that way.

How to make my mother’s lows your parenting highs.

My mother’s parenting mistakes were huge, and they left a lot of scars and unlearning for me to do. To this day, I’m still uncovering facets of my true self and expanding what I consider to “be me”. That’s what it means to recover from an unhealthy parent, but your children don’t have to have that same future. You can break the patterns parents like my mother set. Her failures can be your successes.

How? What lessons should you take away from what my mother got wrong?

1. Keep kids at the center: My mother had moments of genuine care, but by and large she couldn’t keep her kids at the center. It was always about her. Remember, the needs of your children are bigger than your ego, perception, and feelings. Let their moments be their moments and keep their best interest prioritized over your own if needed.
2. Take care of yourself: By failing to care for herself, my mother taught me to minimize my own needs. Don’t make the same mistake. Take care of your mental and physical health. Let your children see you loving the skin you’re in, the life you’re creating. Teach them how to care for themselves even when life is stressful.
3. Create a lens of confidence: My mother wanted me to be scared of the world. She thought this would keep me safe, but she also knew it kept me in her power. Do better with your children. Teach them that the world can be a scary place, but they have the strength and the skills to overcome and thrive on their terms.

It all begins and ends with the children. The experience of parenthood is not about getting a trophy or being put on a pedestal. Good parents are the people who put their egos aside and put their children first. Don’t do what my mother did. Whether it’s a graduation or a wedding, a school prize, or a baseball game, let your children have their moments and enjoy being in those moments.

They can’t be the entire center of everything you do, however. While your children have to come first, they also have to see you taking care of yourself as an adult. The majority of learning is done through mimicry. What your children see you do, they are likely to carry into their own adult lives. Ensure they see you living a life that is filled with care so they learn to do the same.

Last but not least, let your parenting plans be structured around creating confidence. No, not just the superficial kind. Your child needs to have the skills to embrace and overcome life’s challenges. That is where the truth of confidence lies. Teach them to see the world realistically and give them the tools to navigate it without reliance on you.

There is value in looking back at the mistakes of parents like my mother. We don’t do it so that we can dwell, or point the finger of blame. Those things aren’t gratifying for very long, and they don’t do the work of changing our reality. That lies on us. As the survivors of parents like this, we have to do the work to break the pattern. That begins with looking at people like my mother and what they couldn’t get right.

Break my mother’s cycle. Choose not to be a parent who centers themselves, who keeps their children small, and filled with fear. Instead, choose to be a parent who empowers their children. Who cares for them and does whatever it takes to make their lives better than the life you had as a child.

That, after all, is the job of parents. To do a little better than the generation that came before.

Is that a big ask? Of course. That’s what it means to be a parent. It’s the biggest job in the world. Do you want your child to look back and see that you did that job well? Keep them at the center, teach them how to care for themselves, and create a lens of confidence that empowers them to take charge of their futures.

It’s a big job, but who’s more capable than a survivor? Be that parent you deserved to have as a child.

© E.B. Johnson 2024

I am a writer, artist, NLPMP coach, and podcaster who helps people build creative lives after trauma. In my free time, I have a passion for fresh bread, history, and all things watercolor. Learn more about me here. Join my mailing list. Or, support my writing by subscribing below.