Let Her Sleep: An Honest Gift Guide
When my marriage was taking its last few feeble breaths before expiring completely, I remember begging for sleep. All I wanted was one single day out of the two days my then-husband had off to sleep in until I felt rested. One day to sleep until I woke up. One day when what I needed mattered.
Here’s what happened next. He’d get a day to sleep in, entirely undisturbed. When it came time for my day to sleep, I was met with constant frustration, disappointment, and exhaustion. I would be woken up with questions about food, questions about the kids, questions about when I was planning to wake up. He’d open the door and turn on the light, keep the volume up in the next room, or let the kids come in to see me.
The one thing he didn’t do was to let me sleep.
I remember crying my eyes out nearly every time it happened because I was that level of exhausted. My job was never done. I worked, I mothered, I cooked, I cleaned, I got up for every cry, bottle, and bad dream in the middle of the night, and all I wanted was to sleep until I woke up on my own. I wanted that with a desperation I can’t even fully articulate, and it was devastating every single time the door cracked open so I could be asked a nonsensical question like when was I planning to naturally wake up and would it be before 8:00 am because he really had some things he wanted to do.
I’m happily divorced now in the way I was never happily married, and I’m here to give a little advice to those who are looking to treat their wives, girlfriends, or partners for Mother’s Day. Or any day really. Her birthday. An Her un-birthday. Any day you want to show you care. If you really want to make it special, here are a few things to do that will be meaningful:
Let her sleep.
This one is key. I don’t mean say that she can sleep in and then be loud and obnoxious or act helpless while she’s resting. I mean: let her sleep. Take the kids somewhere for breakfast, and then bring her back coffee and a favorite breakfast so that when she wakes up she doesn’t have to cook.
Don’t rush her. Don’t be loud. Let her sleep as long as she needs to without judgment. She deserves it with all that she does.
Take something off her plate.
Not like a French fry. Do you want to lose a finger??? I mean this figuratively, of course. Mothers have so much on our plates. So take something off of it.
Hire someone to clean the house (or actually do it yourself without guidance, direction, being asked, or requiring a pat on the back for it). Take her out to eat or cook a meal for her. Send her out for a night at a hotel, an afternoon at a movie, or a couple of hours at a spa for a massage, and then take care of a responsibility on her plate so she doesn’t have to do it.
Don’t phone it in.
Mothers know when you’re doing something out of obligation rather than a desire to express your appreciation. Don’t phone in your efforts. Order flowers from a florist rather than making a last-minute stop at the grocery store. Choose her favorites, and unless roses are her favorite, skip them altogether.
Make a real effort, but do it because you want her to be happy and know she is appreciated — not to look good or say you did. Plan for it, and don’t put it off until the last minute. It means more to her than a holiday, and don’t you dare bring up commercialism or cost on her special day!
Think thoughtful.
Gifts should be meaningful. They should show that you’re listening to her. Maybe she loves punk rock more than anything and just wants more music on her phone or concert tickets. Maybe her thing is romance, and you can pull out all the stops for a picnic under the stars or a romantic getaway at a bed and breakfast. Maybe she’s good with beer and baseball or a night at home with pizza watching Netflix.
Whatever her favorite thing is, do that. Let her know that you see her. I promise that she needs to know that you see her.
Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be complicated.
But it should be made special. Yes, even if she says she doesn’t want gifts or any fuss. There are still ways to let her know that she matters, that she’s loved, and that someone sees her as a person and not just as a mother.
She doesn’t want to have to tell you. She’s not expecting you to be a mind reader; she’s just hoping you won’t be a selfish asshole. She wants to enjoy her special day without having to spell out exactly what she wants and needs because you’re not paying attention. You love her, right? So pay attention.
Should you make her feel loved and appreciated every day? Absolutely. But if nothing else, show it on Mother’s Day. Do it on her birthday and Valentine’s Day and any other occasion or no occasion at all if it makes her happy.
And for God’s sake, let the woman sleep.
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