Summary

The article discusses personal insights into loneliness, emphasizing the importance of understanding, acknowledging, and addressing it through meaningful social connections.

Abstract

The author of the article shares their journey through loneliness, highlighting key lessons learned about the nature of loneliness and its impact on mental and physical health. Despite having a large social circle, the author experienced a profound sense of isolation, which led to a realization that loneliness is not about the quantity of relationships but the quality of connections with confidants. The article underscores the significance of recognizing one's own loneliness, the potential for marginalization to trigger such feelings, and the serious health risks associated with prolonged loneliness. It also touches on global efforts to combat loneliness, including the appointment of Ministers of Loneliness and the UN Decade of Healthy Ageing initiative, while offering practical advice for fostering meaningful relationships to alleviate feelings of loneliness.

Opinions

Loneliness is a painful emotional state that can occur even when surrounded by people, as it stems from a lack of fulfilling social interactions.
Satisfying social contact with confidants is crucial in protecting against feelings of loneliness.
Marginalization and feeling left out can intensify feelings of loneliness and contribute to a sense of unworthiness.
The author believes that loneliness, if left unaddressed, can have severe health consequences, including mental health issues and increased mortality.
The article suggests that governments and international bodies are beginning to recognize loneliness as a significant public health issue.
Improving social skills, befriending services, and therapy are proposed as initial steps to combat loneliness.
The author encourages readers to seek out new friendships, suggesting that positive interactions with others can lead to the release of hormones that promote happiness and reinforce social behavior.

Lessons Loneliness Taught me About Being Lonely

Understanding loneliness and how to beat it.

Feeling lonely despite the distractions. Photo by Teona Swift from Pexels

“In the cold and in the darkness, when day light hours are scarce, keep a watch out for the lonely souls, and find time to stop and care.”

— Stephen Payne, Winter nights, Be Open

Loneliness is a state of mind and it is a scary and painful state to be in.

According to WHO, “Loneliness is the pain we feel when our social connections do not meet our needs.”

To me, loneliness is a bone-deep hunger for a warm and snug metaphorical hug, a much-needed social and emotional recharge.

It isn’t easy acknowledging to yourself that you’re feeling lonely. We’ve come a long way as laypeople in understanding the significance of mental health. We understand that an emotional or mental malaise is nothing to be ashamed of. And we are ever supportive of our friends and family when they seek therapy and prioritize their emotional and mental health.

But when it comes to ourselves, we fall back to square one more often than not. The first step towards healing is accepting that you hurt. The first step towards feeling less lonely is to accept that you are, indeed, lonely.

Here’s what I’ve learned about loneliness by being lonely.

Lesson #1 — Accept and acknowledge that you feel lonely.

It took me a long time to face up to the fact that this bottomless dark pit in my gut was an unfulfilled hunger for companionship.

Hold on a sec… Let me set the stage for you…

I’m mostly extroverted and have a large, noisy family and a whole bunch of friends. I believe I can speak to anybody in a crowded room and find a connection. So, this feeling of loneliness didn’t stem from a lack of ‘people’ in my life.

Okay… back to the lessons…

Lesson#2 — Friends and family do not make you immune to loneliness

According to a study by Nicolaisen and Thorsen (2016), loneliness can stem from unsatisfactory social contact, lack of optimum social contact, presence of and lack thereof of contact with confidants, and frequency of satisfying social contact.

Lesson#3 — Quality time with a loved one may protect you from loneliness

I’ve realized my feelings of loneliness stemmed from a lack of satisfying social contact with confidants, aka my best friend. Confidants are people who allow you to just be.

People who make you feel you don’t have to be On when you’re with them. Friends who allow you to recharge and soak in their presence. You soak in their kindness and compassion, their belief in you, their magical ability to just get you, and the privilege of being there for them in return.

Lesson#4 — Being marginalized can trigger feelings of loneliness

We are social animals. Feeling -left alone- can make us feel unworthy, less than; which can prompt a sense of anxiety and fear. Being in a new place or environment can be especially trying. People who already know each other and have established connections can make us feel marginalized, making us feel unseen and unsafe.

Marginalization: being lesser or redundant.

Lesson#5 — Loneliness kills

Etienne Krug, Director, Department of Social Determinants of Health, WHO says, Social isolation and loneliness are harmful… [The health risks] include… cardiovascular disease, stroke, cognitive decline, dementia, depression, anxiety, and suicide. In brief, social isolation and loneliness damage physical and mental health and shorten lives.

In October 2020, Japan lost 2,153 people to suicides versus 1,765 to covid.

Loneliness hurts, not just you and I, but entire nations.

Governments across the globe are preparing to tackle this insidious killer by appointing their first Ministers of Loneliness in countries like the UK and Japan. The UN Decade of Healthy Ageing (2021–2030) is being catalyzed as a jumpstarter to grow awareness about the importance of fruitful and positive social experiences across all ages.

Solutions such as improving social skills, ‘befriending services’, and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to address loneliness and social isolation are some of the first steps that can plug the gap until we, as societies, can learn to be more naturally ‘together’ again.

All that time when I was feeling lonely, I didn’t know what it was. All I knew was that I felt sad and invisible. Things changed for the better after a while, but the experience and the fear of being invisible have stayed with me. As a result, I find myself being more mindful of my relationships and the part they play in my life.

Here’s a little something to give you a tiny push towards making new friends…

Did you know our brain releases hormones that make us feel happy and want to repeat certain behaviors?

It is an incentive for us to do things that are good for us.

When we speak to a stranger and they make us feel good, the body releases the happy hormones serotonin and oxytocin. It also releases dopamine, the hormone that’s associated with motivation and repetition. The more you meet and interact with this acquaintance, who slowly transforms into a new friend, the better rewarded you feel.

Wishing you many deep and meaningful relationships.

Thank you for reading. Until next time…

Gagan