Lessons I’ve Learned After Being Out of Prison 24 Years
Our greatest successes in life are oftentimes a result of our greatest suffering.
Being incarcerated in a violent maximum-security prison is a surreal and sobering experience. Most of the time, you see men peacefully working, interacting with each other, and living their daily lives.
But you know things can change in the blink of an eye. Someone can be stabbed, beat up, or killed in a matter of seconds. You have to constantly watch your back and your surroundings.
My current life is very different. I no longer have to watch my back. I now have more freedom than most people in the world. I’ve created a great life for myself and I’m helping others live better lives.
As I look back at the 24 years I’ve been out of prison, here are the things I’ve learned.
Be grateful for what you have
People in prison lose virtually everything. Even if they’re wealthy or own businesses or property, it does them no good while they’re locked up. When you lose everything and are stripped down to the essence of who you really are, you start to appreciate things more.
You appreciate the small things, like eating a decent meal you had to piece together from things you bought at commissary and hustled from the guy in the prison kitchen. You appreciate a view of the sky, a squirrel running across the prison yard, and the ability to talk to loved ones on the phone.
Yes, prison food is terrible, but at least you’re fed. Many people incarcerated in Haiti, Indonesia, Congo, Madagascar and other countries regularly die from malnutrition. Many inmates in other countries are languishing in squalor, under extremely inhumane conditions.
So yes, I appreciate the fact I was locked up in a country where there are decent living standards and no one is dying from malnutrition.
Almost half of the people in this world struggle every day to get their basic needs met. They’re living on less than $5.50 a day.
So many of us who live in first-world countries are extremely fortunate to be able to have decent housing, good healthcare, cars, hot water, the internet, good food, and jobs. Sure, there’s always room for improvement, but when you’ve lost everything or seen abject poverty and despair, you begin to appreciate things other people take for granted.
The worst prisons are the ones all of us are in
This is the biggest lesson I’ve learned after being out of prison over 2 decades. I’ve said this many times, but it’s definitely worth repeating. The worst prisons aren’t made out of concrete and steel.
The worst prisons are the ones ALL of us create in our own minds: fear, low self-esteem, shame, guilt, discrimination, negativity, physical neglect, self-doubt, and many others.
These destructive prisons were first erected in our minds during childhood, when we experienced abuse, bullying, ridicule, failure, and other painful events. Our unconscious minds turned these painful experiences into self-limiting beliefs that stop us from reaching our full potential and living our best lives.
I’ve met wealthy, highly-successful, and super-talented people who are trapped in cells in their own minds. I’ve also met people who are incarcerated in physical prisons who have minds that are more free than people who have never been locked up.
Finding your purpose is critically important
To find true happiness, you must live a purposeful life.
Virtually everyone I met in prison didn’t have a strong purpose in life. They were so busy dealing with shame, addiction, crime, violence, and other mental prisons, they weren’t able to focus on their purpose in this world.
If people have a firm, healthy purpose in life, it’s extremely unlikely they’ll ever go to prison. There are also a shit ton of people who have never been incarcerated who don’t have a life purpose. They simply do what their friends, families, religions, or society want them to do.
They have no direction. Many are like lost ships — floating in a turbulent sea without rudders. Their actions and self-worth are dependent on the whims and opinions of other people. They blindly follow other people instead of building a purposeful, authentic life.
I definitely had no purpose when I was in prison and only began thinking about my purpose when I was there. After I was released, I got an excellent education and had a great career, but wasn’t doing the things that were aligned with my core values, beliefs, and who I really am.
Even though I was very “successful” by society’s definition of success, I was unhappy, dissatisfied, and apathetic. Ironically, I only found my purpose in life when I started going back into prisons and teaching incarcerated men the skills they need to be successful when they get out of prison.
I was doing the things that were aligned with my values of contribution, connection, growth, and adventure.
Doing this volunteer work inspired me to become a life and business coach, speaker, and advocate for social responsibility. I found true happiness because I was finally living an authentic and purposeful life.
Don’t forget where you came from
When I got out of prison, I vowed to never go back, under any circumstances. I wanted to put that dark chapter of my life behind me for good. I also didn’t want to think about the poverty and abuse I experienced in life when I became successful. I wanted to forget about all the pain, despair, and hopelessness I experienced in life.
This mindset was designed to protect me, but it was very self-defeating. It stopped me from living a purposeful, authentic life, and helping others.
Our past and where we came from are central parts of our stories. It’s who we are. When we suppress the pain from our past, we also suppress the good things: the great lessons we learned from those experiences and the opportunity to tell our stories to others.
We need to tell our stories to other people. It not only allows us to heal, but it also shows other people that are going thru the same things that they’re not alone. It lets them know we’re all in this messy, crazy, beautiful, epic thing called life together. It shows them there is a light on the other side of that dark tunnel.
And if we made it to the other side, so can they.
Final Thoughts
Someone recently asked me, “If you could go back and do it all over again, would you go to prison?” 7 years ago, I would’ve said, “Hell no. I wouldn’t end up in prison.” But if you asked me that question now, I’d tell you I wouldn’t change a thing.
The worst things that happen to us can transform our lives in amazing ways. Our greatest successes are oftentimes a result of our greatest suffering.
If I wouldn’t have gone to prison, I wouldn’t have learned these valuable lessons I just mentioned here. I wouldn’t have a strong purpose in life. At best, I’d probably be following that cookie-cutter success template society has created for us, living a mediocre life.
What lessons have you learned from the painful things you’ve experienced in life? Have you used those lessons to help other people and help yourself live a more purposeful life?
If not, tell your story and help other people. Tell them how YOU found that light at the end of that dark tunnel.