Lessons in Reality Learned While Raising Children as a Self-Employed Single Parent

I have supported myself and my family as a self-employed illustrator for 30+ years. I draw, I do research and I write. I didn’t plan on being a self-employed, single mom, entrepreneur, but I am. And I’m successful.

Success for me is the quality of life I created for myself and my children, not the amount of money I may or may not have had in the bank, material things, etc. On charts, we fell well within established poverty levels, but our life was very rich.

I owned my first home for 21 years. I recently sold it and now am the proud owner of a lovely 1920s craftsman style home in another state, and another state-of-mind. Both my offspring attended and graduated from college, my youngest just earned their masters degree. My oldest, age 31, recently stepped into his new role as vice-president of his company he had been working for; he is one of a triad of CEOs who recently assumed leadership of the company. Both my children are super smart, hugely responsible, warm, caring, compassionate humans. I could not be more proud of both of them.

What I’ve done is an astonishing, endless amount of hard, grueling work.

All these years later, I can honestly tell you, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m still 100% self-employed.

Establishing Boundaries

At the very beginning, I established boundaries that continue to serve me today. When the kids were young, I stopped working at 5:00 during the week. I made dinner and we spent time together. I did not go back to work after the kids were in bed. The peace I reached each night after reading my youngest to sleep worked for me as well. I gave myself permission to just relax. As much as possible I didn’t work on weekends. I did not work late into the night back then and still don’t do it today. Saturday mornings the three of us gathered around the kitchen table, eating, drawing, laughing, and telling each other stories, while public radio played in the background.

To clear my head during the work week, I would step outside and pull weeds from the gardens or push my reel mower around the yard for 20 minutes — I’m pretty certain my neighbors found my random yard habits quite odd — but my gardens were transcendent.

If a client called, I would take the phone outside, walk around and talk, allowing me to focus and move at the same time. Both children were threatened with death if they touched my illustrations. I wasn’t kidding. There was no learning curve, the kids respected me and my detailed ink illustrations drawn on beautiful translucent vellum. They understood what I was doing.

I won’t sugar coat it, being a self-employed freelance illustrator is hard. Today I look back and am amazed I kept it going. There were days when I knew to the dime exactly how much money I had including all the change I could dig from the car cup holders and excavate from under the couch cushions. Over the years I pawned every piece of gold jewelry I owned to buy groceries and pay bills. I was never late or missed a mortgage payment.

I’ve always been available for my kids. We spent tons of quality time together. We took vacations. I was fortunate enough to have several friends in beautiful locations no more than half-a-day car trip away. Over the years we were very fortunate to spent many, many weeks in Door County camped out on a 40-acre parcel where a treasured friend lived, sometimes we camped inside the house. We went to beaches, libraries, museums, movies and nature preserves. My children are seven years apart in age; I was raising children as a single parent for a very long time.

When the kids were small I bought a house on a dead end street in a small subdivision that once upon a time was a summer cottage community. The place was bathed in a wonderful other-worldly-ness. Little secret nooks such as where we lived are disappearing at a rapid pace. Throughout my kids childhood, living in such a place was like time traveling back to more innocent days. Across the street from our home was a marsh complete with an active beaver lodge, a kid-sized oak woodland was at the end of the dead end street. Bonus, a fabulous 350-acre lake was at the other end of the road with the best beach on the lake. I knew this would be a great place to raise my kids. And it was. I could open the door, let them out and know they would be ok, safe, running wild and free in kid nirvana.

Reality is Best

The kids sat by me as I struggled with difficult clients, silently witnessed my stress when invoices went unpaid for 30, 60 and 90 days from government related agencies and quietly freak out about how to pay bills. They felt my panic when grant funds would be withheld until the project was 100% complete. They watched as I navigated tricky situations with clients. They heard my despair when I didn’t know how to satisfy clients. They watched me complete hundreds and hundreds of illustration projects and turn them over to satisfied clients, always meeting the agreed upon deadlines. They saw me behave professionally and take pride in my work. They quietly saw me crushed when things did not go well. They learned while I worked hard to hold my tongue while listening to a frustrated or angry client. They listened as I interviewed clients during the very necessary act of pulling out a complete picture of what the client wanted, many times when the clients were unsure what they wanted themselves or, the most challenging, when the clients did not have the imagination or vocabulary to express what they wanted. They saw my frustration when clients were difficult.

To some degree I tried to shield my kids from my panic and terror, but they knew; children always know. They also shared in my delight when I delivered a project. Sometimes we heard lovely accolades come back as my work quietly spread into the public realm. I believe they are both better people for it.

Today, both kids are successfully living rich full lives under their own roofs, each married to a wonderful partner. I am happy and proud to help them with anything: spiritually, emotionally or financially. They know I would return from the Rings of Saturn in a heartbeat if they needed me for anything, anytime, anywhere. In the absence of them living under my roof, my life has become breathtakingly lighter. Today there is an ease to my life I’ve never experienced before. Yes, the world-wide pandemic has touched all our lives with fear, uncertainty, and lots of panic in the beginning. That’s all fading a little, though our vigilance and caution are still and will continue to be on high alert.

Both children have chosen beautiful, caring, kind, loving partners. The young couples are supportive and very compassionate towards each other. I am so proud of the way they navigate their lives with grace and humility.

I did it.

We continue to bring each other immense joy and revel in each others accomplishments, comforting each other during times of sorrow.

Unconditional love.