Lessons in Love: What I’d Do Differently Now

We get a do-better, not a do-over

My life didn’t turn out the way I planned. I didn’t anticipate divorce or single parenting, but I also didn’t predict that I could ever make a living as a writer or find a town that felt like home. It’s been a mix of good things and bad things — a life like any other, I suppose. But if I’m honest, I must admit that I’m disappointed in how my relationships have turned out. I didn’t think I’d be approaching 40 having never experienced healthy love.

All the love I’ve experienced has been largely one-sided — coming solely from me and returning not at all. Even though I wasn’t all that relationship-focused growing up, I assumed that someday I would meet someone, and it would all fall into place. I just didn’t think someday would take so long. If I could have a do-over anywhere in my life, I would want it for my relationships.

But life doesn’t give us do-overs. If we learn what we’re supposed to, we get do-betters, a chance to course-correct the next time. We get to decide that the patterns of the past don’t get to repeat themselves in the future.

I’ll Address the Future in the Present

I’ve often been guilty of living in the future rather than in the present, but as I considered this tendency, I uncovered a curious truth. I only ever did this when the person I partnered avoided talking about the future. Some part of me realized this was a waving red flag, but I thought that we could live in the present and let the future work itself out. Still, my anxiety grew, and I became more and more focused on where we were going because I sensed that my dreams and his were not in alignment. It turns out that if you don’t talk about the future of your relationship, you likely won’t have one.

It’s normal to talk about what we want — for ourselves and for our relationships. This is one subject I no longer avoid in fear that my partner won’t feel the same. In fact, I often lead with it. What has happened is that I’ve been able to figure out quickly when someone’s future doesn’t align with mine. It’s made it easier to go our separate ways before entangling ourselves any further.

I’ll Better Communicate Needs

There are many reasons that I’ve often failed to communicate my needs. Leading the pack is the fact that I struggle to ask for help — primarily because I learned from a young age that asking was often met with a refusal to help. I cultivated fierce independence rather than facing repeated and certain rejection.

This bled over into relationships, too. It’s hard to articulate what I want when the very thought of asking presses on that rejection trigger. Sometimes, it’s easier to try to do everything myself than to ask anyone else to consider my needs.

Clearly, this is a problem. So often, I just stewed in quiet resentment at the many needs that were going unmet instead of speaking up to advocate for myself. In other cases, the quiet came after asking and finding that my needs just weren’t a priority. Learning to more effectively communicate has been the biggest lesson I’ve taken from all the spectacular relationship fails I’ve experienced.

I’ll Be More Mindful of Triggers

It doesn’t matter how much we prepare ourselves for healthy relationships. Being in one is a whole new world. There’s a steep learning curve — particularly for anyone with past trauma of any kind. We don’t always realize our triggers beforehand. It’s not until we’re overreacting that we begin to suspect something is wrong. Triggers let us know that we still have healing to do.

If I look back, I can see the many trauma triggers that were activated in relationships — the times when my response was to a previous trauma rather than the current situation. It made me anxious and hyper-sensitive. As I began to see the patterns, I began to talk about them more, but as important as it is to be mindful of our own triggers, it’s also essential that our partners respect the ones we share. We need safe spaces to talk through trauma recovery with someone who won’t purposefully activate them in times of stress or disagreement.

I Won’t Compromise Myself for Someone Else

I look back to days when I had important issues I needed to talk out — but didn’t because my partner was having a bad day I didn’t want to compete with or a good day I didn’t want to ruin. That was a repeating pattern in my relationships. I would read the room and decide how much of myself I could share and how it might be received. I know it’s a trauma response, that sort of hypervigilance, but at the time, I thought I was being a strong and loyal partner supporting the person I loved. My issues, my needs, my interests … that could wait, couldn’t it?

I’m not waiting. I sign up for the class I wouldn’t have taken with the partner who needed my weekends free. I start house shopping rather than waiting for a partner to decide to make this move with me. I live my life, and what I want matters.

There are compromises we should make in relationships, like where to eat or what movies to watch. But we shouldn’t keep compromising ourselves in hopes of achieving the relationship we want. In fact, if we’re compromising ourselves, it’s a pretty sure sign we’re not in the right relationship (or in a relationship that could benefit from counseling).

I Will Require Reciprocity

It seems like such a simple statement. The people we love should love us back — or let us go. But reciprocity extends to other areas of the relationship. Energy, effort, investment. Relationships need balance to be healthy. I used to look at this as a bonus in relationships when it’s actually an essential component to a healthy one.

A healthy relationship won’t leave us wondering if we’re loved or if we matter. We’ll know because we’re seeing the actions and hearing the words. Reciprocity also extends to emotional labor and household distribution of responsibilities (for those sharing space). Equality should be a minimum requirement because people who love us will want to meet us halfway.

I’ll Learn When to Hold On and When to Let Go

I’ve always stayed too long. I could explain why, but let’s just summarize by saying that I needed trauma therapy to truly heal from the things that made it feel impossible to let go. There are times when we should hold on to our relationships — when we should fight for them and be loyal and do whatever it takes to make them work. And there are times we should put them out of their misery rather than being miserable inside them.

I’m learning when to hold on and when to let go. I’ll look for relationships with reciprocity to hold on to, the ones where we’re building a future rather than avoiding the mere mention of one. I’ll also pay attention to when to let go — when a relationship used to be good but isn’t any longer, when I feel like I’m the only one trying, or when I find myself alone in love. I don’t imagine that letting go will be easy, but I do realize that it’s necessary.

Of course, this is just a short list of what I’d do differently. I’ve sometimes found it difficult to hold space on bad days rather than jumping in with help or advice. I know I talk too much, interrupt when I get excited, and generally have no chill. I’m an imperfect person who has never pretended to be anything else.

I won’t get a do-over, but I know I’ll do better. As I’ve worked on my healing and processed my relationship history, I know that I won’t make the same choices I did before. I’ll be a better advocate for myself, a better friend to myself. I won’t sit inside relationships feeling unloved when I know I can stand up and leave at any time. I won’t tell myself that I can make time for my needs later.

I think I’ll be a better partner, too. One more capable of holding space and finding balance. One who might talk a little less and listen a little more. One who loves wholly but imperfectly. I’m healing, and I’m trying.

This isn’t the life I planned, but it’s the one I’ve got. I’m going to live it with an open heart, despite the disappointments I’ve encountered along the way. This is stubbornness more than fearlessness — a refusal to let life’s challenges change my heart. Life is short. There are no do-overs. Do better.