Personal Experience│Mental Health

Lessons From a Sunscreen Bottle

How I began improving my life after years of wrecking it

To Readers: This article includes potentially triggering descriptions of depression, alcoholism, and suicidal thoughts.

Until the past few months, I was one of those people who life happened to, not because of. I was constantly trying to please other people, usually everyone all at once.

If something went wrong, it was always someone else’s fault, or the fault of something that occurred, or anything in the universe’s fault but mine. I was one of those people who always played the victim, that everything was wrong in my life because of what happened to me.

I was saying things like:

“If I hadn’t been bullied in school, I’d have more confidence.”

“If I could just think of something to write about, I’d be a great writer.”

“If I did/didn’t do this or that, everyone would like me.”

“I’d be rich if I could just come up with that one great idea.”

Not once did I ever think:

“I can be more confident by doing things I enjoy that help me vent frustrations, such as writing. Who knows, maybe people will read what I wrote and I can be a great, popular, rich writer, you have to start somewhere.”

So, how did I do a complete 180 on my way of thinking? Let’s look at where I was:

I worked a string of near minimum wage, part-time retail and restaurant jobs for six years after failing out of college due to my learning disability in math. I have a fifth-grade math level, nowhere near good enough for even basic college algebra.

So I dropped out of the small university I was attending and moved back to Dallas, my hometown, in 2009. This time, however, I wasn’t living with my parents, I was on my own.

When I gave up on the idea of getting a degree, I gave up on myself. I focused on solely having money for partying and hanging out with friends. Eventually, they graduated from college and moved into their “real” lives, while I felt like I had been left behind.

The Catalyst

In 2010 the girl I’d been with for three years and was going to marry, cheated on me on Valentine’s Day, leaving me in our apartment alone two days later. I had never felt worse in my life, and spent the next couple weeks until our lease was up, feeling miserable for myself.

I began drinking all day and all night until I passed out. I was working at the company my dad owned, doing work online so I never had to go anywhere to work except online.

I did some writing and journaling during this time as well, and I could tell I was far worse than I had ever been. It couldn’t be the fact I was drinking vodka every night, after all, “all the famous writers drank a lot”. That’s what I told myself, without considering that many had either quit, or died from their addiction.

It wasn’t long until I was just drinking, not writing.

I was slipping into the same daily routine of drinking, playing the same videogames, and working mindless, low paying jobs I absolutely hated.

And I saw no end to it. Every time I tried something I gave up because I couldn’t be the best at it right away. The cycle continued.

I traveled around the US for about a year, then came back to Dallas and lived without a car. It was during this time I met my future wife, we got married in 2014 and she has been my rock.

Somehow, my wife and daughter stayed by my side through more than any human should ever have to endure from the drunk, angry monster I had become at this point.

I could barely hold down a part time gas station job, calling in at least once a week and showing up hungover. I was nothing but a mess.

I hated myself, I hated the world, and I hated that every attempt to fix it was in my mind, a failure.

Considering ending things permanently wasn’t new to me, I first thought about it as early as 5th grade when I first experienced how horrible kids can be to each other.

The First Attempts to Change

I knew it would end, it was just a matter of if I’d be alive to see it. What kept me going was that if I did end things, how hurt everyone around me would be, and that I’d never had a chance to fix it.

I would have fulfilled my self-prophecy of being a loser who had accomplished nothing, instead of changing my mindset to not see myself that way anymore.

My wife got a much better paying job in 2016, which allowed us to move to a better area than we’d spent the past year in. It still didn’t help.

I continued drinking and ended up in the hospital multiple times for alcohol withdrawal. I spent a night in jail for public intoxication. I was drunk during the day. I knew if I didn’t make some serious changes for myself, I’d lose the chance.

By 2018 my wife and parents had enrolled me in a hardcore Christian rehab for alcohol (surprisingly, I never got into any hard drugs) for the first time.

More on why it was one of the worst experiences of my life and what I got out of it, in another article.

What Kept Me Going

I realized the person who was kind and caring, loved interacting with people, was capable and confident and could be great, was still in there. I was still alive, and as long as I was still alive, I was going to fight to change myself.

I managed to quit drinking December 21st, 2019 and realized the only person I had control over was myself.

I had gone through rehab multiple times, I’d done cognitive behavioral therapy, I’d tried everything.

Or so I thought.

I had been listening to doctors, counselors, friends, family, everyone telling me how I could improve my life, quit drinking, and be who I wanted to be.

It’s like taking a bottle of sunscreen to the beach, not putting it on, and wondering why you still got sunburned.

“But I have the bottle! It says 50 SPF, that it’ll protect me from the sun! It tells me how to put it on! Why didn’t it work?!”

Nothing anyone told me would ever work unless I took real action and applied it.

Taking real steps such as changing where I lived, making enough money to not be broke all the time, and cognitive-behavioral therapy which included making myself get into a different routine helped. I learned to say “no” to people’s requests, and that pleasing everyone is impossible.

I still had the urge to write about my experiences, I just needed to sit down and do it.

My Life Currently

Now after six months, I’m no longer triggered by booze, and no longer associate that part of my life with who I am, something I’ll also get into in another article.

I got a part-time pizza delivery job temporarily, which I was able to leave at the end of May, as well as a job at a used car dealer that began almost full time until Covid-19 happened.

Now, having found a cheaper home and my daughter no longer needing daycare, I can focus 100% on starting my writing career and becoming who I originally wanted to be before any of this began.

Last week, I finally got back into writing. I’ve never felt more excited about something in over a decade, especially since I can see people enjoy reading my work.

It doesn’t matter what tools you have if you don’t apply them.