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Abstract

top thinking you can fix them. They, we, don’t need fixing. There’s nothing wrong with us for abstaining from the mosh pit parts of life. We will be in the corner, relaxing. We don’t have a problem with you being in the pit, but we will both have a better time if you do your thing and we do ours. Actually, we would have rather stayed at home.</p><p id="880b">Wanting to stay at home and avoid a social function isn’t antisocial for an introvert. Personally, I am up for a gathering of my close friends (not too many at the same time though please) and the conversation and closeness that will ensue. But going to meet your work friends who you always say are annoying is just not convincing me to stop watching Barry Lyndon, again.</p><p id="cb3a">The way to have a relationship with an introvert is the way to have a relationship with anyone. Allow them to be themselves. And understand how they become their best selves and in what circumstances. Everyone always said I was shy growing up, but I wasn’t shy at all. I was, and still am, unamused by small talk. It seems like such a waste of time. How are you? Good, you? Good. Weather is nice. Yeah. An awkward pause that lasts five seconds and seems like five years. I should have stayed at home.</p><p id="5001" type="7">“Many introverts feel there’s something wrong with them, and try to pass as extroverts. But whenever you try to pass as something you’re not, you lose a part of yourself along the way. You especially lose a sense of how to spend your time.” — Susan Cain</p><p id="1365">This is what happens a lot in relationships. We try to be more outgoing. We try to please our extroverted partner, but then it crumbles. Because that becomes an expectation we can’t carry. We were trying to be someone we’re not. We need downtime and often in relationships, the quest for solitude is seen as an indication that things aren’t good. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth in some cases. Downtime is what allows us to come back to our full form and without it, we will lose part of ourselves.</p><h1 id="845b">How to Work With an Introvert</h1><p id="c520">Let me explain something important. The modern office concept and the uptick of coworking spaces is an introvert’s nightmare. Give me a cubicle or a small office any day of the week, any year, forever. Allow me to work uninterrupted and you will get the most productivity out of me. Put me on display in the middle of a think tank, next to the cereal machines and unable to steer clear of watercooler conversations and I will always be working at half-strength.</p><p id="95f4">Introverts at work need privacy. They need fewer meetings, we all do. If they can send a beautiful PDF answering all the questions asked, why are they being forced to show everyone at a company-wide meeting when their position will never require outside presentations? Isn’t the goal of a company to have all employees working at their peak?</p><p id="01fd">When I worked for the government for seven years there was nothing better than closing the door to my office. Nothing. I never would have gotten anything done if I had to review case files at a high-top table near the in-office barista who was always so chatty. I closed my door for hours and I got five times more work done because I skipped the daily birthday celebrations that offices are so fond of and closed myself off from the hijinx.</p><p id="73bc">We all don’t work best in a group. We all don’t benefit from constant collaboration. And that doesn’t make us office hermits. It just makes us more productive on our own and the allowance of that freedom is what makes us successful when we are required to do the group thing.</p><p id="108e" type="7">“You can’t pick up a business magazine ever without seeing the word ‘collaborate’ splashed all over it. I think people are probably feeling assaulted by the need to always be on and always be interacting.” — Susan Cain</p><p id="b17c">Just let them work the way that they can be mos

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t productive. Stop requiring that all issues be raised in the open at a meeting and allow for the possibility that some people prefer to air both their grievances and their best ideas in private or via Slack. And while you’re at it, stop assuming that all the IT workers stay in their offices because they are scared of others. They aren’t. They are just busy combing through all of your disastrous emails.</p><h1 id="388b">How to Be Friends With an Introvert</h1><p id="cd80">Don’t take it personally. They are going to cancel. Even when you agree to come to them for a simple coffee. Something may have put them on overload an hour before. And it wasn’t you. Ok, sometimes it was you. It is you. But you already know that. Because to an introvert, you are a lot.</p><p id="c841">Make easy plans with few complications. If your meetup is dependent on several factors syncing into perfect harmony, your introvert friend was always going to cancel. Because they need to know, more than an hour before, whether you can do it or not. They can’t wait to see if Jimmy’s soccer game is canceled or whether you have to stay late at work. That’s why they put it on their schedule three weeks in advance and sent you a Google Calendar invite. One which you ignored. Which is why they were always going to cancel.</p><p id="8a40">These traits do not make them less of a friend. Understanding these intricacies is what will bring out the best of their friendship. I am so appreciative of friends who get it and don’t treat my introversion as a castigated subpart of what would otherwise be a normal human. Give them space. Understand their personal rhythm. Reap the rewards.</p><figure id="a344"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/0*R4UFYP-ifJKypNIP"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@rpnickson?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Roberto Nickson</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com?utm_source=medium&utm_medium=referral">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><h1 id="b9a8">Accepting the Fact that You Are an Introvert</h1><p id="c91e">When I read <i>QUIET</i> by <a href="undefined">Susan Cain</a>, it was like I finally accepted myself for what I was. I didn’t need to fight it anymore. Or consider myself to be quirky just because I didn’t get turned on by loud concerts and swarms of people swaying together in harmonic reverence.</p><p id="00f7">It made every ounce of workplace microaggression in my career make sense in an instant. It made failed relationships seem more lucid and rightfully terminated. It made me accept myself without reservation. But it also allowed me to forgive those who couldn’t get me. Because I can see how my introversion came across as uncaring, unwilling, unyielding and uninterested.</p><p id="d5c9">I am very upfront with and proud of my introversion now. I know how to balance it and I know how to explain it. I also know that my personal boundaries are very important. They aren’t just for my benefit and my comfort. They are for the benefit of those I love. Because unless I can get the space and quiet I need, I can never be the best version of myself when I am with them. And they know not to invite me to parties.</p><p id="9035">If you liked this, you might like this as well:</p><div id="5506" class="link-block"> <a href="https://www.trustgreene.com/blog/2019/4/22/when-your-spot-on-the-spectrum-is-unresolved"> <div> <div> <h2>When Your Spot on the Spectrum is Unresolved — Jonathan Greene</h2> <div><h3>Ten years ago my therapist suggested I may have “a touch of” Asperger syndrome. Maybe this was her way of bringing it…</h3></div> <div><p>www.trustgreene.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*_MKgk2TQJgxy4Om2)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Lessons From a Sociable Introvert

No, I’m Not Hiding in My House Because I Don’t Like Talking

If you ask me to choose between going to a party, any party, and watching a complicated foreign film on the couch without talking at all, I will take the latter every time. I will take most anything else other than a party. Or holiday shopping. Or a busy restaurant where the wait is two hours. But it’s not because I don’t like talking or because I am agoraphobic. I’m an introvert, a sociable one.

I won’t go out of my way to meet new people. And when I say I won’t go out of my way, I mean that you will need to bump into me and freely start a conversation about a topic I am interested in within one second. Because if you don’t, I will tell you that I am sorry for the physical mishap and go on my way. But that’s not to say I won’t say something funny when we are waiting in line at Starbucks. I’m not scared of new people. Or of conversation. Or even of you ignoring me. I am just unusually comfortable with solitude and quiet.

Introverts suffer from the label itself. A reserved or shy person who enjoys spending time alone. Well, yes, but there is so much more to it. At least for me. For many of us introverts, it’s not that we love solitude as much as we need it to replenish the neurons that get us through life. That party that an extrovert loves so much may require three days of shut-in behavior for me. And it’s not because I am a weird curmudgeon who can’t get along with people or look you in the eye when we talk.

Excessive human connection doesn’t fill me up like it does an extrovert. I am not fueled by meeting new people. It actually tires me out, emotionally and physically. Every time I put my hand out and introduce myself as Jonathan and someone returns the gesture with an innocuous, “Good to meet you, Jon,” it makes me want to scream. Quietly. Inside.

While you are off to the plate of hors d’oeuvres without a second thought, I am gently cycling through all the reasons why someone, you, would immediately change my name from the name I just told you was mine. As if it wouldn’t be weird if you introduced yourself as Kevin and I responded with, “Good to meet you, Kip.” I understand this quirk is not uniquely suited to introverts, but it goes to highlight the emotionality of small human connections for me. It’s tiring as f*ck.

I’ve heard it so many times before. “But you are so good with people.” This used as a rational enticement to go to a gathering of 100 strangers. Maybe I am, but I’d really be more comfortable sending them all an email. Or Googling them and allowing them to Google me before deciding if we should even have a conversation. Surely this would be a more efficient way. And this is my Introvert brain.

“Many people believe that introversion is about being antisocial, and that’s really a misperception. Because actually it’s just that introverts are differently social. So they would prefer to have a glass of wine with a close friend as opposed to going to a loud party full of strangers.” — Susan Cain

How to Have a Relationship With an Introvert

Stop thinking you can fix them. They, we, don’t need fixing. There’s nothing wrong with us for abstaining from the mosh pit parts of life. We will be in the corner, relaxing. We don’t have a problem with you being in the pit, but we will both have a better time if you do your thing and we do ours. Actually, we would have rather stayed at home.

Wanting to stay at home and avoid a social function isn’t antisocial for an introvert. Personally, I am up for a gathering of my close friends (not too many at the same time though please) and the conversation and closeness that will ensue. But going to meet your work friends who you always say are annoying is just not convincing me to stop watching Barry Lyndon, again.

The way to have a relationship with an introvert is the way to have a relationship with anyone. Allow them to be themselves. And understand how they become their best selves and in what circumstances. Everyone always said I was shy growing up, but I wasn’t shy at all. I was, and still am, unamused by small talk. It seems like such a waste of time. How are you? Good, you? Good. Weather is nice. Yeah. An awkward pause that lasts five seconds and seems like five years. I should have stayed at home.

“Many introverts feel there’s something wrong with them, and try to pass as extroverts. But whenever you try to pass as something you’re not, you lose a part of yourself along the way. You especially lose a sense of how to spend your time.” — Susan Cain

This is what happens a lot in relationships. We try to be more outgoing. We try to please our extroverted partner, but then it crumbles. Because that becomes an expectation we can’t carry. We were trying to be someone we’re not. We need downtime and often in relationships, the quest for solitude is seen as an indication that things aren’t good. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth in some cases. Downtime is what allows us to come back to our full form and without it, we will lose part of ourselves.

How to Work With an Introvert

Let me explain something important. The modern office concept and the uptick of coworking spaces is an introvert’s nightmare. Give me a cubicle or a small office any day of the week, any year, forever. Allow me to work uninterrupted and you will get the most productivity out of me. Put me on display in the middle of a think tank, next to the cereal machines and unable to steer clear of watercooler conversations and I will always be working at half-strength.

Introverts at work need privacy. They need fewer meetings, we all do. If they can send a beautiful PDF answering all the questions asked, why are they being forced to show everyone at a company-wide meeting when their position will never require outside presentations? Isn’t the goal of a company to have all employees working at their peak?

When I worked for the government for seven years there was nothing better than closing the door to my office. Nothing. I never would have gotten anything done if I had to review case files at a high-top table near the in-office barista who was always so chatty. I closed my door for hours and I got five times more work done because I skipped the daily birthday celebrations that offices are so fond of and closed myself off from the hijinx.

We all don’t work best in a group. We all don’t benefit from constant collaboration. And that doesn’t make us office hermits. It just makes us more productive on our own and the allowance of that freedom is what makes us successful when we are required to do the group thing.

“You can’t pick up a business magazine ever without seeing the word ‘collaborate’ splashed all over it. I think people are probably feeling assaulted by the need to always be on and always be interacting.” — Susan Cain

Just let them work the way that they can be most productive. Stop requiring that all issues be raised in the open at a meeting and allow for the possibility that some people prefer to air both their grievances and their best ideas in private or via Slack. And while you’re at it, stop assuming that all the IT workers stay in their offices because they are scared of others. They aren’t. They are just busy combing through all of your disastrous emails.

How to Be Friends With an Introvert

Don’t take it personally. They are going to cancel. Even when you agree to come to them for a simple coffee. Something may have put them on overload an hour before. And it wasn’t you. Ok, sometimes it was you. It is you. But you already know that. Because to an introvert, you are a lot.

Make easy plans with few complications. If your meetup is dependent on several factors syncing into perfect harmony, your introvert friend was always going to cancel. Because they need to know, more than an hour before, whether you can do it or not. They can’t wait to see if Jimmy’s soccer game is canceled or whether you have to stay late at work. That’s why they put it on their schedule three weeks in advance and sent you a Google Calendar invite. One which you ignored. Which is why they were always going to cancel.

These traits do not make them less of a friend. Understanding these intricacies is what will bring out the best of their friendship. I am so appreciative of friends who get it and don’t treat my introversion as a castigated subpart of what would otherwise be a normal human. Give them space. Understand their personal rhythm. Reap the rewards.

Accepting the Fact that You Are an Introvert

When I read QUIET by Susan Cain, it was like I finally accepted myself for what I was. I didn’t need to fight it anymore. Or consider myself to be quirky just because I didn’t get turned on by loud concerts and swarms of people swaying together in harmonic reverence.

It made every ounce of workplace microaggression in my career make sense in an instant. It made failed relationships seem more lucid and rightfully terminated. It made me accept myself without reservation. But it also allowed me to forgive those who couldn’t get me. Because I can see how my introversion came across as uncaring, unwilling, unyielding and uninterested.

I am very upfront with and proud of my introversion now. I know how to balance it and I know how to explain it. I also know that my personal boundaries are very important. They aren’t just for my benefit and my comfort. They are for the benefit of those I love. Because unless I can get the space and quiet I need, I can never be the best version of myself when I am with them. And they know not to invite me to parties.

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