Lessons From A “Shitty” Birthday
These are the lessons I learned from my birthday this year:
- My birthday merely marks the beginning of a new year. Thus, I have 365 days to celebrate my new age.
- Good or bad, a birthday is just another day on the calendar. It is unfair to have expectations about how this day is meant to go (for myself and others)
- My birthday experience depends on ME — Only I can decide whether I want to show up for myself.
- I must take full control over how I want to “celebrate” my birthday. This day is meant to be special for me.
- My thoughts and beliefs dictate the course of my day. I decide with what lenses I want to see my day.
- I get to define what my birthday means — and from now on, that means being grateful for the start of a new year and for the teachings I learned the previous year.
- It is bizarre to compare my birthday celebration to others.
- This is a day to give thanks to those who raised me and show me unconditional support — in this case, my parents.
I am one of those people that have always had a weird relationship with birthdays.
As a kid, my mom made sure to force epic birthday experiences on me. She had all the good intentions, but it did not always turn out perfectly. I remember that from the start of the month, my mom would plan and make arrangements for the “BIG DAY.” I can’t say I wanted any of these things, but I can’t say I didn’t either — if that makes sense. Yet, I created the expectation that my birthdays had to be a fantastic day.
In my mom’s perfect little world, everyone would show up and tell me how special I am, and every little detail about this day would go exactly as planned. Obviously, this was not always the case — I usually went through some disappointment.
As I grew up, I attempted to gain control over my birthdays by defeating my mother, but I continued to carry this “big” expectation that I could not satisfy. Gracefully, I had special friends who always made sure to make my day “special.”
Yet, life happens. There were days that even though my friends stood up to “save the day,” they could not attend, or they could not follow through. That pretty much translated to a miserable day on my end. I felt rejected, lonely, and stupid.
This year, my birthday happened to be miles away from everyone that has always made it special.
Although I had my beloved boyfriend with me, he was overly busy with work. Besides the fact, I understood it was unfair to put my big irrational expectations on him.
As the day approached, I struggled with feeling scared as I contemplated what I should do or not do for that day and tried to come to terms with the fact that no one was here to save me from myself.
I got the day off from work thinking something magical was meant to happen. In return, I had this uncomfortable sensation of feeling “stupid” the whole day. It was just my boyfriend and me with not much to do considering that we are residing in a small town (Granada, Spain) during COVID times. There was no one to show up for, dress up for, or perform to, which made me feel inadequate.
I noticed that I felt forced to celebrate myself; thus, I kept repeating throughout the day, “it’s my birthday.”
I continued to romanticize this predetermined idea that something or someone expects me to have an extraordinary day. It did not matter if I did not have the energy or the means. Not sure if that makes sense to you at all or if you can relate, but that must be one of the most ridiculous thoughts I have been living with.
Though my family tried to make my day special from miles away, and my boyfriend kept being strong and hopeful (for both of us), I felt disappointed by the end of the night. Not because people did not make it memorable for me, but because I did not show up for myself.
Looking back at that day, it was not horrible at all. It was actually a fun day — Yet, my thoughts made it gloomy.
What if, years from now, I was left alone on this day? Will I be miserable the whole day? Will I be ungrateful for a new year of life? Will I resent those who fail to notice that I am supposed to be the highlight of their day?
I hope not — and I will ensure I will not.
Daniela E. Marin | Licensed Therapist | Founder of HealingRight
