Lesson Five— The Official Potential Affair Partner Job Application

Fill This Out and See Where it Gets You

Once your profile is up you’ll have to start screening people. For men, this is a little easier than women. For men lucky enough to get a bite, all they’ll look for is a pulse and the right equipment. They throw the dice on the rest of it and hope it works out.

Women aren’t as easily convinced. They’ll be looking for the right fit, and want to see if he will match the corporate culture, before on-boarding him. With women, it’s more job application than asking for a date, so sharpen your pencil boys and get ready for the hard questions.

THE OFFICIAL POTENTIAL AFFAIR PARTNER JOB APPLICATION

So, you want to fuck out of network, eh? That could be a little complicated. You need to fill out paperwork. And if you’re lucky, it won’t make it into the garbage bin.

Or, your the 885th guy applying.

Fill this form below completely. Do not leave blank spaces. They will come back to haunt you. I promise.

VITALS:

• Height. Add at your discretion.
• Your actual height_____.
• Weight. Subtract at your discretion.
• Your actual weight_____.
• How old are you? Add or subtract at your discretion.
• Your actual age_____.
• I will lie about it all and you will be unpleasantly surprised when we meet.
• None of your business. See above.

LONG DISTANCE or LOCAL:

• Emotional affair/online only.
• Long distance is great since I travel for work.
• Local because I’m on a short leash.
• Anything. I’m not picky at this point.

HABITS:

• Smoking (Y/N). If YES, is it: Cigarettes Weed Meth Crack Circle all that apply
• Drugs (Y/N). If YES, is it: Legal Illegal
• Alcohol (Y/N). If YES, is it: Socially Drinking right now Drunk Got a problem…
• Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If YES, explain:
• None of your business. You aren’t my spouse.

HEALTH:

• STD’s? (Y/N). If YES, is it: The kind that never go away? Under control with medication
• Birth control? If YES, is it: Condoms IUD Vasectomy The pill Unplanned child Circle all that apply
• Willing to get tested and remain monogamous? Good luck with that.
• None of your business. Eg. I will fuck anything that moves.

OPSEC:

• Are you willing to share photos ahead of meeting? (Y/N) If YES, is it: I am so paranoid that you will only see fragments of me like in Picasso’s cubist period. I will show my full face and my body to anyone at anytime. I need to get LAID.
• Send pics that are at least 10 years old. You should be barely recognizable in person.
• So careless that I know your life story before we meet and I will Facebook stalk you.
• “What’s OPSEC?”
• It’s none of your business. I will remain a cipher.

COMMUNICATION:

• “Let’s share cell numbers.”
• “Don’t you have Kik, Telegram, Signal, WhatsApp, Viber, Threema, Blur, Kibo, Silence, or whatever?”
• Emails. Old school.
• Bat signal in the sky works for me.
• The less you know about me, the happier I am.

DIALOGUE OPTIONS:

• Constant (Y/N) If YES, is it: In a good way? Or in a bad way?
• I will forget you immediately post orgasm and hit you up when I’m horny again.
• “? What r u doing?” every hour…
• So infrequently, you feel like the after thought you are.
• None of your business. The less you know, the better.

STATUS:

• Married and holding.
• Married and open/poly.
• Married but looking for an exit.
• Separated but you are horny and don’t want a “real” relationship.
• Single and looking for unavailable prospects that will disappoint you.
• Single and want NSA fun on the down low.
• None of your business. I will reveal as little as possible.

SIGNIFICANT OTHER (if applicable):

• Wonderful and I love him/her.
• Awful, I will complain about him/her.
• They shall not be named like Voldemort, but with a nose.
• None of your business. Keeps you on your toes.

WHY DO YOU CHEAT:

• My spouse has/is: Low libido High libido Erectile dysfunction Health problems Emotional or physically abusive Sexual neglectful Not attracted to them anymore They are fine Or other _______(circle all that apply).
• I need extra action. I have plenty of sex at home. I’m a horny bastard.
• I have kinks…I’d like to try a few things. Are you open?
• None of your business unless it involves a FMF threesome.

AFFAIR HISTORY:

• Have you had previous affairs? (Y/N) If YES: How many? _____ Now the truth, please_____.
• How long have you been cheating? Since the beginning of time In every relationship I’ve had I was faithful until now, I promise!
• When was your last affair? Last week Last year A few years ago Ummm, I plead the fifth I have a harem

FAMILY (if applicable):

• I have kid(s).
• No children, but I am married for other reasons ______explain why. Please, enlighten me.
• None of your business. I’m excellent at compartmentalization. GOT IT?

MEET SCHEDULE:

• Check all that you are willing to work: Days Evenings Weekends Graveyard Swing
• Date you can start work______.
• I will accomodate your schedule because I am that hard up.
• Once a week? Once a month? Every quarter? Once in a blue moon?
• I’ll let you know the day before, if you are lucky.

BUDGET:

• Who pays? Share or not?
• My budget for sexual encounters is $, $$, $$$, $$$$.
• Hotel, motel, by-the-hour seedy joint, my bed, the car.
• Public indecency.

WHAT YOU WANT:

• Sex only.
• Hold me, listen to me, and support me. Be my everything.
• You will be lucky if you find out.

NOISE LEVEL:

• Cadaver like stillness Quiet moaner Screamer Stuff panties in your mouth to quiet you
• Do I need to book hotel rooms away from the elevator banks for slapping and spanking marathons? (requires a disclaimer-see separate paperwork)
• It’s all good. I’m getting LAID.

SPECIAL SKILLS:

• Please list any special skills or experience that you feel would help you in the position that you are applying for: Oral skills Extra length or girth Super soaker pussy Forked tongue
• Enhanced breasts (Y/N) If YES, The bigger the better Natural but enhanced Just below my chin and can be used as a shelf
• A brain. The biggest sexual organ for some of us.
• Circle all that apply.

ACCESSORIES:

• Toys? (Y/N) If YES, is it: Hitachi wand Anal plugs Vibrators Dildos Things with spikes (requires a disclaimer-see separate paperwork) Blindfolds Feathers
• BDSM. (Y/N) If YES, is it: Hot wax Ropes Clamps Things you would buy from a hardware store (requires a disclaimer-see separate paperwork)
• Lingerie (Y/N) If YES: Tasteful classy Trashy fishnets Crotchless anything Thigh highs Heels Circle all that apply
• Porn star moves (Y/N) If YES, is it: Cirque du Soleil acrobatics Knee flexion and quad strength tests Former athlete who’s gone to seed…
• IT’S ALL GOOD. I’M GETTING LAID.

BODY HAIR:

• Chest Hair (Y/N) If YES, is it: Waxed Natural Gorilla-like Pre-pubescent looking (requires a disclaimer, see separate paperwork)
• Genital Hair (Y/N) Pick any or all of the following that apply: Going to make me puke! Don’t make me pick hairs out of my mouth. Weirdly bald like a plucked turkey. Some strange combination of the above. Circle all that apply
• Nipple Hair (Y/N) Turn on? Gag me
• Leg Hair (Y/N) If YES, is it: Feminist principals. You should like me natural. Laziness. I can’t be bothered. Waxing, lasering and depilatories are expensive and painfuL

END GAME:

• Ghosting. No brainer.
• Tearfully admitting to your spouse and asking for forgiveness.
• Expecting your lover to leave their marriage and be with you.
• You end because you both decide that is best in a mature, thoughtful fashion.
• You leave each other in a cloud of fury.
• You will wreck vengeance.
• Good luck with all of the above.
• Circle all that apply.

I certify that the facts set forth in this Application for Adultery are true and complete to the best of my knowledge. I understand that if I am employed, false statements, omissions, or misrepresentations may result in my dismissal (The irony isn’t lost on me…).

I authorize the Employer to make an investigation of any of the facts set forth in this Application and release the Employer from any liability (Ha! I wish…).

I acknowledge and understand that the Employer is an “at will” condition. Therefore, any employee may resign at any time, just as the employer may terminate the employment relationship at any time with or without cause (Ain’t that the truth…).

All answers will be kept strictly confidential until there are grounds for termination (And then all bets are off!).

Your spouse, social standing, life, and job are fair game. Welcome to the jungle.

APPLICANT SIGNATURE___________________

DATE________

Lesson Four — Profile Tips for women and men.

Lesson Six — The First Meet

© MonalisaSmiled & Teresa J. Conway, 2020