Less Talk, More Listen

Dads’ Survival Guide: Partnering — Our Marriages

Dads love giving advice.

Doling out our perspectives. Opinions. Judgments. On matters. No matter the matter.

We consider ourselves experts. On most topics. Mr. Fixit. The Shell Answer Man. Ready and willing to weigh in. On any and all issues. Regardless of our knowledge. Experience. Whether our input is requested or not.

In fact, Dads are masters of unsolicited advice. Too bad nobody likes unsolicited advice.

Many folks find it off-putting. Patronizing. Rude. Yet, us Dads never seem to notice.

At work, unsolicited advice is tolerated. If we’re the boss. Not welcomed. Simply stomached. Part of the convoluted boss/employee dance. We feel benevolent. Virtuous. Bestowing our infinite wisdom on the minions. While totally oblivious. To the fact that our people are acting. Abiding by cultural norms. Pretending the suggestions we give are welcome. And helpful.

There’s less pretense on the home front. With our wives. No corporate gaming. To win brownie points. Advice and counsel is necessary only when requested. And if our wives aren’t asking, we shouldn’t be giving.

Instead, Dads should be tuned in. Paying attention to the message wives are sending. Loud and clear.

“Stop fixing. And just listen.”

Long History

Giving unsolicited advice goes way back.

In one of the earliest Biblical accounts, Job (pronounced Jöbe) faced a harrowing calamity. As a civic leader in the time of Abraham, Job was “blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil.”

When Satan suggested Job’s allegiance was due solely to his good fortune, God agreed to a test of Job’s commitment. The Lord gave Satan permission to wipe out all of Job’s holdings as well as his ten children.

As Job grieved, three friends came to comfort and console him.

Sadly, men are dreadful comforters. “Who can keep from speaking?” one friend announced. None of us can. And soon enough, the unsolicited advice commenced.

After hurried assessments of the situation, the three speculated. Jumped to conclusions. You reap what you sow. Then launched into Mr. Fixit mode. With a litany of solutions. All based on faulty assumptions.

You can imagine the reception.

Rush to Judgment

Not much has changed with Dads over the past three-thousand years. We’re still short on diagnosis. Long on the prescription. Precious little inquiry. And plenty of pontificating.

Sound familiar? That’s me, for sure.

Alas, this is the exact opposite of best practices. “If I had an hour to solve a problem,” Albert Einstein once noted, “I’d spend 55 minutes thinking about the problem and five minutes thinking about solutions.”

10x. Devoted to the problem over the solution. Taking ample time. To dig into the issue. Ask questions. Listen and learn. Find the root cause. Before noodling on answers.

Ugh. Hate that Einstein logic. So much easier just spewing out one’s advice.

People Fixing

Now, fixing a problem is one thing. Often warranted. Even welcomed. Fixing people, on the other hand, that’s where Dads get ourselves into trouble. Especially with our wives.

We all know how it starts. A sly, side-winding approach. ”If I were in your shoes…” “If it were me…” Before long, we’re into full preaching mode. Critiquing. Lecturing. Moralizing. “You ought to do this.” “You should stop doing that.” Quick to point out all that’s wrong with others.

Doesn’t take a genius to figure out how this kind of talk will be received.

Nor does it take a genius to pass People 101. Sadly, us Dads have forgotten about as much as we’ve learned. Human dynamics is not our specialty. Self-awareness. EQ. Soft skills. None of this comes easy to Dads.

Yet, when fixing people, Dads keep wading into these arenas. Which doesn’t go over well. With our wives. In fact, it’s likely the source of much marital strife. Know-it-all attitude. Superiority complex. Unsolicited advice.

Hmmm.

Listen First

By nature, Dads are good guys. With good hearts. We want to help. The input we give is well-intentioned. Altruistic. From a sincere desire to see others prosper and succeed. Family. Friends. Co-workers. Most anyone in our circle.

So, let’s use our good nature more effectively. By giving our Advisor mindset a rest. Instead, let’s load up on listening. Particularly, at home. With our wives. Relax. Take a breath. Listen first. Ask some questions. Inquire. Give her room to talk. Explain. Even come to her own solution.

Helping others is not a race. For an answer. Dads don’t win points for being first. With a solution. We win points for patience. Presence. Making the time. To hear others out. And encouraging them along the way.

As our wives would tell us, we got two ears and one mouth for a reason. Good advice.

Go, Dads. Go.