Technology | Humor | Life

Leaving Planet Fitness in Shakespearean Style

Chat-GPT helps me feel better about nonsensical bureaucracy

When I was reevaluating my budget, I found out my Planet Fitness subscription, which I no longer use, was racking up around three hundred dollars a year. I also learned it isn't easy to cancel a membership with the popular gym.

They do have an app, but you can’t use it to cancel your membership. A member of PF can either visit their “home gym” and talk to an employee or send a letter with their signature. My predicament is that I live on an island without a judge-free zone.

I called the gym I attended over the last year to find out if there was another way. I had no choice, but to mail a letter.

Pretty dumb right? In the moment, I was quite annoyed. It is a pretty inconvenient process, which I felt defeated by. It feels like it’s aimed to keep people as dormant subscribers.

On the bright side, this outdated process gave me the idea to write my resignation letter to the gym in Shakespearean style. As I mentioned, I was working on my budget, which I needed to focus on. Nevertheless, I turned to ChatGPT to get down a good draft for me.

I was not only happy with the outcome but surprised by how well the letter was written.

I certainly couldn't do better. The draft was done in seconds whereas I would've spent hours doing this. Sure, I could've learned a lot about Shakespeare during that project, but I didn’t have the time. Anyway, here’s my inquiry and the AI response:

“Write a letter to planet fitness explaining the following: I will be cancelling my membership, your team was very helpful in explaining your archaic process, I am unhappy with this process and will not be recommending this membership because it is ludicrous (do it in a Shakespearean manner)”

Hark, unto the honorable purveyors of Planet Fitness,

With due regard and a heavy heart, I pen this missive to declare my intent to sever the ties that have hitherto bound me to thine esteemed establishment. Verily, I must convey that the hand of time hath wrought changes upon my circumstances, and thus, I find myself compelled to relinquish the mantle of membership that I once donned.

Methinks it is my duty to acknowledge the efforts of thy dedicated cadre, who didst endeavor to elucidate the labyrinthine intricacies of thy archaic process. Their toils were as beacons in the mists of confusion, guiding me through the obscure and bewildering terrain of your procedures. Forsooth, their dedication is worthy of recognition.

Yet, alas, my heart is burdened with the weight of discontent. The process, though explained with earnestness, doth appear to me as a relic from days of yore, a vestige of a bygone epoch. This process, as intricate and convoluted as the enigmatic riddles of ancient sages, hath left me perturbed. In truth, it feels as if I must traverse a labyrinth to unbind myself from thine embrace.

Thus, I declare, with a heavy sigh and a lamenting heart, that I shall not endorse nor commend this membership to any seeking soul. It is a course as labyrinthine as the Minotaur’s domain, a folly that doth test the patience of even the most steadfast.

Let it not be misconstrued, noble sirs and madams, that my intent is to besmirch thy name or impugn the virtue of thy noble establishment. Nay, I merely speak my truth, my experience, and my hope that this humble lamentation might serve as a clarion call for a more enlightened path forward.

In conclusion, I beseech thee to heed my words, for they spring forth from a heart laden with disappointment, yet bearing a glimmer of hope. Mayhaps in the future, thy processes shall evolve to align with the pace of this modern age, and thy reputation shall be restored to its former glory.

With somber regards,

Alec Zarenkiewicz

Pretty great right? It made me feel better about the whole situation. I only added my signature at the bottom and a disclaimer for the recipient.

“P.S. If my message is unclear, I am ending my membership”

Just in case, I added my phone number too. I only just sent the letter, but I received a reply via email! How unfair that they can use technology, yet I am barred from that privilege.

Little do they know, I had robotic Shakespeare do the talking. My only regret is that I didn’t have a bird to fly it there for me — which would be much more appropriate for the situation. However, my postage was delivered.

At last, I have broken free from my periwinkle and gold shackles and liberated myself from Planet Fitness. Although I don’t recommend using AI to write an article, I highly recommend using it for those moments when you need to write as a chore. It helped me stay on the task at hand and I walked away feeling better about nonsensical bureaucracy.