Learnings from Living with Someone 21 years Older Than me

Sourcing from rich life experience about judgement, arguments, procrastination, hard work and healing

Sunset time, the vibrating electronic sounds electrified my body when I noticed an older guy with black long hair dancing close to me. “He does not give a f*ck about what everybody thinks of him”, was what I thought at that open-air event a year ago. I remember admiring his loose dancing style and greyish beard.

A few minutes later, he turned around, smiled at me, and asked whether I wanted a cookie. That’s when I met — let’s call him Nelson — a 47-year-old with three kids and many stories to tell. I quickly found out that his story is remarkable: Becoming burnt out after working hard for ten years at Adidas, he used a spiritual approach to heal the depression.

We became friends. Six months later, when I was looking for a new place to stay, we moved in together.

Some might think that’s a weird combination — a 26-year-old and a 47-year-old living and spending time together.

I used to think so. Now, I think it’s awesome.

During the time we have known each other, I learned one or two things about myself and life, that I want to share with you.

Never judge too quickly

Judgment is something we do automatically. Putting people in boxes is easy, and there are many excuses to do so. However, it might hurt you in the long run.

Imagine that on Nelsons and my encounter I’d have thought, “What is this old dude doing at this event?”. We would probably haven’t become friends, and I would not have learned all these things in the process.

If we judge based on looks, we negatively influence our first encounter with a person. Refraining to do so, you increase the likelihood of connecting with a person based on their character. This, in turn, helps to create more profound relationships, and therefore provides for more opportunities to learn and grow personally.

Before you criticize others, look at yourself

Even though I consider myself to be a reflective person, Nelson always held up a mirror to me. He made me realize that as humans, we are quick to criticize others for their misbehavior and slow to look at the misdoings of ourselves.

Plenty of times I had a go at him not doing the dishes (we didn’t have a dishwasher), then he pointed out all the chores I hadn’t done. That usually started up talks about how introspection — looking at your own (wrong-)doings — is essential when critizicing others. Most of the time, we, then, did all of the plates together.

You should always look at yourself before criticizing others. Often these are things that are bothering you about yourself as well. By realizing those things, you have the chance to tackle and improve them.

Keeping your room and environment clean can be a productivity and happiness booster

When cleaning up the kitchen together, Nelson always referred to it as “the workshop.” I learned from him that cooking and spending time at home was more fun in a clean environment.

I have never been messy, but I am definately no nitpicking guy when it comes to cleaning. Living with someone with more life experience, I figured out that a clean environment helps me procrastinate less. It’s just really hard to procrastinate when you can’t do the laundry, wipe the flow or do the dishes ;-).

It also creates peace of mind, because it is way more rewarding to sit on the balcony, knowing that the flat is tidy.

In the end, I started to enjoy the habit of cleaning the flat together. It even became a mindful activity that connected us as roommates.

The key takeaway here is that our minds connect with our surroundings. So a clean environment makes for a clear mind ready for whatever you throw at it.

Hard work is not everything

Nelson worked hard at Adidas for ten years, leaving little time for his family and relationship. When his wife broke up, he realized something has been wrong in his life, and he went into a deep depression.

If this doesn’t tell you a story, you could turn to older people on their deathbeds and ask for their biggest regrets. For most, it’s not having spent as much time with their loved ones as they wanted.

So, working hard might get you to the “top,” but if you don’t spend time with your friends, spouse and family, who will be there to celebrate it with you?

If you are angry, you are part of the problem

In our time living together, Nelson never got angry. The few discussions we had, always went smooth, mostly due to him. Moreover, he could sense negative energy and made it a habit to address it.

Once, I felt annoyed about some minor things in the household. After small talking for a bit that day, Nelson asked me what was wrong. He sensed that I was a little bit distant. I told him about what was bothering me. He was surprised I did not tell him before. Then, he urged me to tell him directly the next time so that I wouldn’t become annoyed.

That’s when I realized that being (passively) angry about something, never solves anything. Accepting that feeling and looking for possible solutions (such as simply adressing it) has the potential to solve everything.

Dancing makes you happy and energized

Whenever I was feeling down, and Nelson sensed it, he always motivated me to dance. He would put on the right playlist and turned up the music.

Just by moving around and shaking the body, my mood lifted immensely. Small act, big reward.

This also works for me when procrastinating on an activity. The increased blood flow provides the energy to overcome oneself and get into it. I also like to combine it with the Pomodoro Technique — 25 minutes work, 5 minutes dance.

I suppose you can have similar effects with any physical activity, but for me dancing is the easiest and the most fun. You only need music and your body to lift your mood and energy.

Self-affirmations are key to healing

In a world where you can compare yourself to anyone with a swipe through your news feed, self-doubt prevails. Often, we compare our beginning to someone else’s middle resulting in demotivation, or worse, depression.

In Nelson’s flat, there were small sentences written in gold and straight onto the wallpaper. The first one read, “I love myself,” with more spiritual ones building on it. When asking him about it, Nelson told me that those words helped his healing from depression. Reading those affirmations every day, he supported the rewiring of his brain away from depression.

If self-affirmations can archive that, imagine what it can do to an otherwise healthy person. What will happen when you stop telling yourself: “My life sucks!” and start telling yourself: “I love my life!” every day? Will you be happier or more sad?

So what?

Living and learning from a friend with rich life experiences has been a game-changer for me. Talking for hours with Nelson and reflecting in the process also created a more enriching learning experience than reading books. After all, life writes the best stories.

It helped me to judge slower, to look at myself before criticizing others, to know the worth of a clean environment, to approach work with a healthy balance, to be more relaxed, energized and happier and to heal negative tought patterns.

I hope you enjoyed this post about my personal flatmate experience. Maybe your new one will have a greyish beard, too, and motivate yourself to dance more.