Learning, Seeking & Enjoying Stillness

I don’t know how to chill. My mind is constantly in dialogue with itself on what I could’ve done better in the past or how exciting I hope my future to be.

As a child, my parents pushed me to study the entire year’s curriculum in my summer holidays so I would learn quicker when the topics were taught in class. As an adult, I now hypothesise random scenarios and my responses to them as if I were preparing for the experience in advance.

But few things pan out as we plan, and no one knows what the future beholds. As we get older, progress means different things and can take a much longer time than when we were kids. It also involves more ambiguous decision-making with few ‘right’ but hopefully more ‘right in context’ decisions.

For me, this uncertainty generates an obsessive compulsion for action and anxiety to keep pushing till I can tilt the future in my favour. And consequently, I was anxious for the most part of 2020 and ached for action in a life paused by the pandemic.

As the universe or my Secret Santa would have it, Ryan Holiday’s Stillness is the Key landed on my bookshelf. This book was an insightful dive into why we ache for action, why we make sub-optimal decisions in haste and why we owe it to ourselves to save us from our thoughts. I pen down some of my favourite lines and small hacks I used to incorporate the learnings into my life.

Becoming Present

“We don’t live in this moment. In fact, we try desperately to get out of it”. — Ryan Holiday

Life can be boring or difficult, but the present keeps showing up, faster than the future. We must learn the boring and difficult lessons today, live today, be here today and tomorrow will take care of itself.

1) When watching TV, I only watch TV. I’ve learned and remembered new Spanish words from shows on drug cartels, sassy phrases from Modern Family, and truly appreciated the storytelling.

2) While working out, I focus on my immediate surroundings and how my body feels through the movement. I feel grateful to have access to gyms, flat pavements to run without tripping, and most of all, cool wind on my sweaty skin.

Limiting my inputs

There’s too much information, too much speculation, and distraction that pollutes the mind; it’s called the CNN effect.

“We must control our information diet — our ways of consuming and protect our minds from analysis paralysis. We must commit our attention to select activities & be content in appearing clueless on topics that we weren’t able to commit our attention to.” — Ryan Holiday

1) I’ve committed to more long-form content such as books, movies, and conversations instead of continuously refreshing social media newsfeeds, messaging, and news websites. I’m reading a book a month; I have a conversation going with every book I read.

2) I’ve switched off all notifications from Whatsapp, Instagram, LinkedIn, all e-commerce platforms & news apps. Life-changing — I suddenly have more time for everything.

Emptying the mind

“That space between your ears — that’s yours. You don’t just control what goes in, but you also control what goes on in there. You have to protect it from yourself, from your own thoughts.”

“Whatever you face, whatever you’re doing will require, first and foremost, that you don’t defeat yourself. That you don’t make it harder by overthinking, by needless doubts, or by second guessing.” — Ryan Holiday

1) I ask myself — “Do I know this for sure?” If not, does it make sense to worry? I tell myself, worry is interest paid on trouble before it comes due.

2) When I try to sleep when I’m not actually sleepy, my mind subconsciously starts making lists of all my to-dos and good-to-haves in life. This triggers a series of thoughts, none of which are actionable while I’m in bed. So, I’ve stopped trying to sleep when I’m not actually sleepy. Instead, I’ve taken to other means of resting such as reading, strolling in nature, cooking, listening to a podcast, and other activities that help me sleep better eventually.

Slowing Down, Thinking Deeply

“So much of the distress we feel comes from reacting instinctually instead of acting with conscientious deliberation. We’re reacting to shadows. We’re taking as certainties impressions we are yet to test.” — Ryan Holiday

Whenever you feel triggered by a situation, shut up and don’t do anything. Assess how you feel by the end of the day, by the end of the week, by the end of the month. If the trigger warrants an action, you will be compelled to take an action and if it doesn’t, you’ll be grateful you didn’t take any missteps in haste.

1. When I feel overwhelmed, I practice cognitive behavioural therapy. In a journal, I note down my immediate situation, the automatic thoughts generated in my mind, the emotions I feel, my reaction, and a balanced thought that could replace my automatic thoughts. I review this journal, the thought patterns and balanced views, and condition my mind to think more balanced thoughts.

2. I do something where I have to be mentally and physically involved like cooking, playing a sport, or reading out loud. This way, I put a leash on my mind and prevent it from swaying relentlessly.

Journaling

“Putting your thinking down on paper lets you see it from a distance”. — Ryan Holiday

A journal is your most accessible friend, that needs not be fed, taken for a walk or treated with respect. It is a friend that wants to be taken for granted. From passive thoughts to actively planning your week, this friend is all ears to hear you out.

1. I draw a calendar view of every month and take stock of the situations and conversations I’ve had, how they helped me grow or held me back.

2. Women, take note of your periods in this calendar view and prepare for the PMS week by pumping your body with serotonin, popularly known as the happy hormone. Exercise, feel-good movies, mood induction through massages, happy reminiscence & foods like chocolate, eggs & peanut butter can help you save an otherwise shitshow of a week.

Cultivating Silence

Our surroundings — primal conditioning from our parents, competition from our colleagues, and the convenience of the internet — have a very high noise-to-signal ratio, making it extremely difficult for us to tap into our instinct, which is mostly right but just not loud enough.

“That quiet is so rare is a sign of its value. Seize it.” — Ryan Holiday

1. I plan a monthly date with myself in the calendar view of the journal above. No interactions — just me at home with a movie and wine or outside on a nature trail, with some gourmet coffee and brunch.

2. 15 minutes before my bedtime and after I wake up are for me, to sleep and to wake up. It’s the most remarkable time of my day to be thankful for what was and what lies ahead.

Finding Confidence, Avoiding Ego

“People have a tendency to swing between ego and its “less-assuming evil twin” — the imposter syndrome. We either believe that we are highly qualified to have our opinion, or we reel with the anxiety of maybe, we’re not qualified for what we’re doing and someone’s going to call us out. But there is also confidence — which needs neither congratulations nor glory to revel, because it is an honest understanding of our strengths & weaknesses that reveals the path to a greater glory: inner peace and a clear mind.” — Ryan Holiday

My identity is greater than the sum of my accomplishments & flaws.

1. For a month, note down what caused you pain or pride — recognise thoughts and actions that feed your insecurity or delusions of grandeur and replace those with more balanced reality checks. I used to stalk people on LinkedIn, initially to gain inspiration from diverse professional journeys, until there came a time when I was perennially miserable because everyone I was stalking seemed to be doing better than me. Truthfully, I was just stalking accomplished people, and unknowingly feeling less confident about my own abilities and purpose. Since then, I have replaced LinkedIn with books and movies as my source of inspiration.

2. I started doing hard workouts, lifting heavier weights, running further and faster. Just when I became aware of my physical agility, I also felt more mentally & emotionally agile.

Conquering my anger

Anger is a powerful fuel, one that requires more energy to burn than it provides.

“Stillness lies in choosing not to be angry, to run on a different fuel. Fuel that helps us win and build, and doesn’t hurt other people, our cause and our chance at peace.” — Ryan Holiday

1. NEVER raise your voice. A senior manager at my workplace once told me, when you speak softly, almost whisper, your audience listens more intently. Ever since, when people yell at me, they’ve already lost my attention.

2. Identify what makes you angry and why. I’ve learned only 2 people who I love deeply can infuriate me. With this understanding, no one else angers me and I’ve sub-consciously and successfully limited the incidence of anger.

The ones I love infuriate me because I expect them to naturally understand my point of view. I also know that they always understand me after a rocky discourse. I’m working towards watching my words in this discourse.

Relying on my hobby

Pleasure is energy reciprocated, what you put out comes back. Make it delicious.

“Leisure is not the absence of activity, it is activity. What is absent is any external justification — you can’t do leisure for pay; you can’t do it to impress people. You have to do it for you”. — Ryan Holiday

1. I dance every Saturday, 11.30 am-2 pm. Whether I was awake until 6 am the night before, or I’m working that weekend, or my family has an event planned for the day. Saturday mornings are pristine and for leisure. No matter what else happens over the weekend, it is always refreshing.

2. I cook one meal every day, usually breakfast, while listening to a podcast or a conversation on Clubhouse. Great ideas and a beautiful breakfast help me get inspired every day.

Saying No

We have finite energy and every decision you make or activity you undertake demands energy. You must choose to flounder or flourish with your energy.

“When we know what to say no to, we can say yes to the things that matter.” — Ryan Holiday

1) I’ve blocked people who don’t add to my life meaningfully in the short term, unlikely that they will add value to my life in the long-term.

I’ve consciously said, “I don’t to want to speak with you”, “I don’t want to speak on this topic”, “It was nice knowing you, but I don’t want to pursue this further, thank you”. It’s liberating!

2) I’ve removed myself physically from situations that hurt my mindset, even if it meant coming across as cold or inconsiderate.

That’s all folks! Today I wrote for pleasure, hoping to write more in the future. And needless to say, I loved this book and while I’m still discovering ways to stay still, I urge you to get your hands on it!