Learning I’m AuDHD Saved My Life

As young as 11 or 12, I would lay in bed at night staring at the red light on the smoke detector and wishing that the house would burn up with me inside it.

Was my life terrible? Was I being abused? Not really.

Then why was I so depressed from such a young age?

I was diagnosed with clinical depression when I was 20 and bipolar disorder at 25, but I wouldn’t learn what was REALLY behind my lifetime of struggles with depression until I was nearly 40.

A Story of 2 School Subjects

I started studying French in 7th grade. My parents tried to get me to take Spanish instead, but I was INSISTENT about choosing French. I loved the language and picked it up naturally. I never studied for a single test and aced every single one.

At the end of my senior year in high school, I took the AP French test (among many other AP tests) and scored a 4. The maximum score on an AP test is 5 and 3 is a passing score.

On the other hand, I also studied AP Biology my senior year of high school. To say I struggled to learn biology would be an understatement.

I spent countless hours studying for Biology tests, but the information just would NOT stick in my head, and I couldn’t understand WHY. I wound up getting a D in the class and only a 2 on the AP test — the only AP test I didn’t pass out of 6 in total that I took in my junior and senior years.

It made me feel like such an idiot.

You see, I’ve always “tested well” and was pressured from a very young age to get good grades in school. My entire self-worth was tied up in my intelligence. It was bad enough getting a B in Art or Gym in elementary school and being berated for not getting straight As.

By middle school, my undiagnosed ADHD was causing me so many problems and so much stress that I stopped doing all my homework. I went from a mostly A student to a B and C student because I believed that no matter how hard I tried at some things, I would never be good enough, so what was the point in trying?

By the time I got to college, I still hadn’t developed good study skills, thanks in large part to my ADHD. Combine that with the stress of living with roommates as an undiagnosed autistic person, and I had my first major (diagnosed) depressive episode in the spring semester of my sophomore year of college.

Life as an Undiagnosed AuDHD Adult

By the fall semester of junior year, my depression was so bad and I was so unsure what I wanted to major in that I wound up dropping out of college.

After 6 months of working in a nursing home, I wound up landing a job as a dog bather, intending to go back to school to study biology to become a zookeeper.

Of course, the idea of majoring in my worst subject was ludicrous. It only took one summer of biology and chemistry classes two days a week, bathing dogs four 10-hour days a week, and volunteering at the Denver Zoo one day a week for me to discover that I could make more money as a dog groomer (without a college degree) than I would as a zookeeper (even if I managed to get a biology degree, which seemed unlikely).

That led to 12 years as a dog groomer, where I alternated between loving and hating my chosen profession. Even when I enjoyed it, I felt a bit of shame for having a blue-collar job when I was so “intelligent” and had “so much potential.”

When I would socialize, I felt looked down upon for my career because I was surrounded by people with desk jobs and I felt like a bit of an outcast.

About halfway through my grooming career, I started writing a blog about dog grooming. I had hoped that the blog would earn money someday in the form of ads, but years later it would actually help me launch my current career as a freelance content writer.

2 months after I retired from grooming due to an incident that showed me and my boss how truly burned out I was, I was contacted by the editor of a dog-focused website who had stumbled across an old blog post of mine who wondered if I would be interested in doing a paid writing sample.

I grabbed that opportunity by the horns and worked multiple jobs until I could finally afford to write full-time, and now I make surprisingly good money for somebody without a college degree.

Throughout all of this, I STRUGGLED.

I struggled with depression.

I struggled with anxiety.

I struggled with money management.

I struggled with dating.

I struggled with procrastination.

I took my psychiatric meds, and I went to therapy, and I still couldn’t figure out WHY I struggled so much with things that other people seemed to do easily.

I once asked on Facebook: “How do people just DO things? When you want or need to do something, how do you just do it?” And the replies were predictably from people who couldn’t even comprehend my question. “What do you mean HOW? When I need to do something, I just do it!”

Finally Finding Clarity

I first began to suspect I might be autistic when the show Parenthood started airing in 2010 with an autistic boy named Max, and especially in the later seasons when Ray Romano’s character, Hank, started to wonder if he might also be autistic. I related A LOT to both Max and Hank. I started researching autism, but at the time, most of the information was about how it presents in young boys, and I just couldn’t find enough information to be certain that was what I was struggling with.

Around that same time, I was also diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type) and tried both Ritalin and Adderall, both of which made my heart race so much that it triggered anxiety attacks when I was trying to work, so I stopped the meds, gave up hope they would ever help, and forgot about my diagnosis.

A few years later, I again started to wonder if I was autistic. At that time, there was starting to be more information available about how autism presents in girls, women, and AFAB people. I looked into getting tested, but it would cost $2000, wouldn’t be covered by insurance, and would require the cooperation of somebody who knew me as a child, which would have been complicated for reasons I won’t go into here.

I again set aside the idea that I might be autistic for another few years.

About 2 years ago, I finally downloaded TikTok, which would turn out to be a life-changing decision.

I somehow stumbled into neurodivergent TikTok and encountered a community of people with similar struggles as me.

No, I didn’t see a single TikTok video and then diagnose myself with autism. I spent several months learning as much as I could about autism and ADHD, both through first-hand accounts on TikTok and through more formal internet research.

After many months of research, I took my theory to my therapist, who happened to be a PhD clinical psychologist. She went through all the diagnostic criteria for both autism and ADHD from the DSM-5 and confirmed that I meet the diagnostic requirements for both diagnoses.

Living the AuDHD Life

There’s little to no support, services, or medications for autistic adults, and I haven’t tried any other ADHD medications, but the knowledge that I’m AuDHD has SIGNIFICANTLY reduced how much depression I deal with.

Why?

Because now I understand how my brain works. I understand why I have the struggles that I do. I know that I’m not “broken;” I’m merely neurodivergent. I’m not a lazy bum. I have problems with executive dysfunction.

Interestingly, I had started subconsciously “unmasking” and accommodating my sensory needs a few years before my diagnosis.

A lot of my masking involved making sure I did all the things I was “supposed to do” to be perceived as a woman. For most of my life, I kept my hair at least shoulder-length, shaved my legs (or kept them covered with long pants), and wore a bra (no matter how ill-fitting and uncomfortable).

I started by cutting my hair short about 5 years ago. I eventually settled on a style that was shaved on the sides and back but longer on top.

Next went the bras. As I started mostly working from home, I went all day without a bra unless I had to go out in public, and even then I gradually started seeing how I would feel going out without a bra now and then. I eventually threw out all my bras.

Arguably, the hardest step was baring my hairy legs to the world. I moved to the Houston area about 4 years ago, and South Texas summers are MUCH too hot and humid for long pants. I was SO nervous when I bought shorts for the first time in about a decade, but to this day, not a single person has ever commented on my hairy legs.

After fully shaving my head for several years, I’m experimenting with growing it into a short mullet, and I live full-time in either shorts or sweatpants (depending on the season) and tee shirts (even during most of the winter because long sleeves bother me).

I used to have music going pretty much all the time, but now I recognize that my autistic brain craves quiet.

I still struggle with procrastination, but I no longer beat myself up so much over it. I know I’m not being lazy; I’m struggling with executive dysfunction.

Ever since being diagnosed with AuDHD, I’ve had minimal levels of depression. I still take an antidepressant, but any low-level lingering depression has minimal effect on my life (compared to how much it used to decimate me).

Above everything, my diagnoses allow me to give myself grace. I spent nearly 40 years HATING myself. It’s amazing how much brighter things look without all that self-hate.