Learn to Love Giving Blowjobs
There is nothing worse than treating it like a chore and still doing it
I can’t remember my first blowjob, but I’m sure I sucked (pun intended). I remember who it was with, but the whole sexual scene was so exciting and terrifying that I just jumped into it without thinking about it. I was a late bloomer and I was already 20 when I first got close to a guy in a sexual sense. Losing my virginity to him, trying everything with him first, being eaten, giving him head — it is all a nice package of lovely memories blurring into each other with no beginning or end.
I know I went down on him, but I have absolutely no recollection of what I was doing. Probably it was terrible. But I wanted to do it. I wanted to show him how much his pleasure matters to me.
And this has never changed. I love blowjobs — even if there were a few who tried to kill my enthusiasm with traumatising experiences.
I believed and believe it still that blowjobs are an integral part to sex and it’s crucial to like them and be enthusiastic about them to bring the best out of them.
Blowjobs have a bad rap, in general.
First, the name of it. No matter how you phrase it, it suggests that it’s a tedious task, it’s something terrible. Think about the word blowjob that has job in it. Or think about how we use suck as a negative word, whenever we say something sucks it is originally referring back to the negative connotations of having a cock in your mouth. Like that’s so terrible.
The other thing about the negative connotation, is how porn depicts blowjobs. In consensual setups as well as in orchestrated forced scenes, a blowjob is never something gentle and nice. It’s not even about pleasure, it is about power, gagging, smeared mascara and painful looks. No wonder it gives us the totally wrong impression about how it could be.
I love giving blowjobs, and as strange it might sound, I love everything about it. If it’s done with the right person (and don’t do it with the wrong one) it should be just as pleasurable for the giver as it is for the receiver of it.
I know how it is when you are forced to do it, I know how humiliating the headpush can be, I know how it can feel as a sexual assault — still I think that given the right person and right circumstances it’s hot and sexy for both parties.
But because of its bad rap, the negative connotations and the terrible ways of presenting it to the general public, women need to learn to love giving blowjobs. Not only for his pleasure, but for her pleasure as well. And not because it’s a sure-fire way to secure a nice pussy licking session after it, but because it should be pleasurable for her on its own too.
It shouldn’t be a duty
Did someone ever go down on you and you felt that they are between your legs just out of duty? That they are kissing and licking your pussy, but you could feel that they are counting the seconds until you finally come, so they can finish it? How did that feel?
I’ve been there, and it’s awful. I feel like licking my clit is a chore for them, it’s just a string of mechanical and repetitive motions that none of us enjoys really. This calls for faking an orgasm (hurting yourself) or telling them to stop (hurting him). Who needs that?
And I’ve been in a situation when his excitement and enthusiasm was palpable. Even with lack of skill and expertise, an enthusiast pussy licker is a lot better than a bored experienced one. Given the option, I would always want someone to go down on me, except if they are bored and doing it out of obligation.
The same goes for giving a blowjob. Doing it because you feel you should will show and it diminishes the pleasure. He might still enjoy it to some extent, but wouldn’t it be nice if you liked it too?
Don’t go down on him if you don’t want to
The point of sex is to enjoy it. It’s not a chore, it’s not homework, it’s not your hated day job (unless it is, but that’s a different story and then I don’t think I have anything to teach you). You should never do it just because it’s expected or because you are given an ultimatum. The only right situation for a blowjob is when you really want to do it, because his pleasure matters more to you, than the possible discomfort.
Being blackmailed into a blowjob, using it as a negotiation argument or any other thing that you don’t feel comfortable with is a huge waving red flag. Just don’t!
Show your appreciation
Oral sex of any form between two consenting adults is part of the sexual repertoire. For me it’s a means to an end — where the final objective is mutual pleasure and connection. Licking and kissing each part of his cock is a warm up to anything that can come later. It can be arousing for both and it can be considered as expressing admiration for his body — all of it. The shaft might not be as sensitive as the tip of the cock but giving it some (or a lot) of attention builds anticipation and can show how much you are into him (or the blowjob). Not every minute of sex has to bring mind-blowing pleasure, there has to be a build up to get to the most arousing parts.
With or without balls
I read odes to playing with his balls to mutual pleasure, and I also read how someone suggests it’s ridiculous and pointless, as the guys don’t even like it. The key to any sexual act is communication, verbal or not. And accepting that not every body will react the same way to the same act or technique. It shouldn’t be a routine carved in stone, where you do only this or that, because your previous lovers loved them or hated them. Every man is different and even the same man can change his thinking about a certain thing.
If he doesn’t like his ball licked because he feels funny about it, because it feels ticklish or uncomfortable, then don’t do it. But there are guys who go crazy if their balls are licked or when you put them (both of them even) in your mouth. Being gentle and paying attention to his bodily reactions are key.
Deep throating
Porn has killed deepthroating for us, or at least made it into something that is an act of humiliation and unnecessary discomfort. Porn teaches us that it can only be rough and soulless, no matter how much she smiles, it looks like she just wants to go home and cry.
Deep throating can be done in a way that is pleasant. I have to admit that I love doing it. (blush) And the way how I can make him feel makes me forget about my own discomfort pretty easily. I don’t have a too hard gag reflex and I know how to take it slow, what angle to try it from so that I can ease even a longer cock way back into my throat. I don’t feel that it’s humiliating, as with the right person I am in control of the pace and the depth of it.
If you want to try it, take it slow — really, really slow. Find that angle where you can relax your throat — I just know about me, and I know it quite well how to approach him. For me, kneeling in front of him is an impossible setup for deepthroating, it has to be done lying down, from one side, depending on the shape of the cock as well.
You don’t have to do it, but if you want to try it, I don’t see where the problem could be. For me it’s very sexy and extremely arousing — not just for him, but for me. It doesn’t need to be done for hours, but trying it and checking how it makes him go crazy shifts the whole scene to a next level.
To finish or not to finish
Going down on your man doesn’t necessarily mean that this is the way you need to finish him off. It can be part of the foreplay, it can be a longer part where he almost comes before your take turns or change positions, it can be the way of making him come, or to get him ready for the next round.
If you are with a partner who you feel safe with (as you should) then stopping midway to change to something else, asking for a break to continue it later, or not even starting it, should all be viable options.
There is something sexy about sucking him to make him come, but it’s entirely up to the two of you.
To swallow or not to swallow
To say that swallowing is gross is equally childish as saying that not swallowing is prudish. It is — again — about personal preferences. No one can and should decide instead of you whether you are willing to swallow, decide to spit it out or refuse to get cum in your mouth. None of these make you better or worse than anyone else. Your attitude towards swallowing says nothing about your character or your qualities as a person. It is your body, your mouth, your preference, your personal choice. No one ever should shame you for it.
I was called a slut because I swallowed and I know women who were ridiculed for not swallowing. These are both wrong.
I cannot repeat it enough, that sex is about connection, and a blowjob is quite an intimate act in building this connection. You can easily get traumatised if you are with a wrong guy with the wrong attitude. Do what feels comfortable and acceptable for you. Always.
Learn to love it
The second-best thing after enthusiastic consent is a blowjob that you give with your heart, body and soul fully in it. When every touch and every lick show him how much you want to do it and there’s nothing you would want to do more, nowhere else you would want to be.
There is nothing sexier than making him feel appreciated and loved with your actions, where you are actively participating in pleasuring him. I’m not saying that a blowjob will fix your relationship or cement it, but if you are doing it, do it with full enthusiasm — and see what a difference your eagerness can make, for both of you.
Nobody is born an expert. You can practice and perfect your technique and get better at it with time, but no practice and expertise replaces your enthusiasm.
