Clothes Free Travel

6 Things You Want to Know BEFORE Visiting a European Sauna or Thermal Spa

Who knew that sweating your naked butt off could be so complicated?

My daughter and I screwed up the aufguss ritual several times in a row — learning that Netherlanders do the sauna thing way differently than the Germans.

I’ve been busy.

Sweating your butt off for research could easily become a full-time job. In fact, a few weeks ago, I met my daughter in Brussels where we rented a car for a quick tour of five popular sauna-spa complexes in northern Europe.

Visiting a sauna-spa complex — or thermen, if you will — is supposed to be a relaxing, meditative experience. At least, that’s what I was all pumped for! That was during our first stop when I went to find my place in a sauna just a few minutes before the aufguss ritual ceremony.

Then the women came in and yelled at me in Dutch…

“What the hell is wrong with you? We’re about to have a ceremony in this sauna and you need to get your naked ass out of here and go stand outside with all those other people shivering in the cold!

GO GET IN LINE!”

At least, I think that’s what she said. I don’t speak a word of Dutch.

This was quite shocking, I have to say. I thought I knew how to do the sauna thing.

My first visit to a European sauna was to the mother of all spas — Therme Erding, located just north of Munich. By self-proclamation, they are the largest spa complex in the world! All I have is anecdotal evidence, but I have no reason to challenge that claim.

The place is huge!

Therme Erding is also located at the end of the 512 bus line that takes you from Munich’s Franz Josef Strauß Airport directly to the town of Erding. (Also famous for Erdinger Beer!) For those of us crossing the Atlantic with an early morning arrival on the European continent, nothing brings jetlag to its knees like a day at the sauna. And thus, Therme Erding has been our first stop in Europe whenever we can manage to make Munich our port of entry to Europe.

One could make the argument that Therme Erding is also the Disney World of sauna-spa complexes, with all the good, bad, and awkward attributes you might attribute assign to a Florida mega-theme park.

Some purists will tell you it’s too big, or too commercial, or too noisy, or too modern, or too crowded — or that it simply doesn’t honor the altruistic rituals of the German spa tradition.

Given my reticence to take on a disillusioned or disenfranchised German, I took their words to heart, with a pledge to broaden our palate in an effort to discover what else is possible under the category of sweating your naked ass off with the locals in Europe.

That takes us back to my recent explorations with my daughter.

Guess what? Those angsty Germans have a point! There are, indeed, other ways to immerse yourself in self-indulgence while sweating your way through the north country.

Honestly, we love them all! But lest you run the risk of getting yelled at by a Dutch spa master, I thought you might you might find it helpful to know what to expect in Munich, or Berlin, or Amsterdam, or Rotterdam. If you can maximize your relaxation as a result of our perils, it seems like a win-win to me.

What’s so different, you ask?

Author’s Note: These are generalizations based on what we’ve experienced over the past dozen years at about twenty different spas. Your results may vary.

First: You’ll experience a lot more naked in Belgium or the Netherlands than you will in Germany

Most of the German spas have a textile zone (swimsuits required) and a textile-free zone (no swimsuits allowed.) This is not the case in the Netherlands, where nudity is required in all the pools and all the saunas. (At least at all the places we visited.) Generally speaking, most all the saunas in Germany will be nude only, while most of the pools will require swimsuits. Therme Erding is something of an exception in that the textile-free pool and sauna area is much larger than most.

But there are exceptions up north as well. For example…

Secondly, the naked thing is really a thing, except for the days when it’s not a thing…

We’ve visited six different spa complexes in the Netherlands and one just across the border in Belgium. Noting that we specifically sought out locations where nudity was the norm, you should know that those places were 100% naked. People usually wore towels or bathrobes when not soaking or sweating, but if you’re going to use the amenities, you’re gonna get naked.

You should also know that nearly all these places have restaurants on the grounds as well. Those always require a robe and slippers which can be rented at check-in if you didn’t think to bring your own.

Thirdly, most of these places have a designated “swimsuit required” day during which no nudity is allowed — even in the saunas. (So much for hygiene!) You’ll have to read the fine print on each website to make sure you choose the day that fits your personal preference, which can be a bit challenging because…

Fourth: German spas are multi-lingual — but this is not the case up north. If you decide to have lunch at one of the eateries at a spa in Germany you’re as likely as not to find a version of the menu in English.

Strangely enough, nearly every Netherlander spa we’ve visited has printed materials (menus, maps, guidelines) only in Dutch; maybe with a version in German as well. Only one had materials printed in English. Ironic, as northern Europeans typically speak excellent English, so they may need to help you with the menu if you want to avoid cow intestines on your salad.

Fifth: German spas sometimes feature expansive family amusement centers replete with fun and distractions geared to all ages. (Therme-Erding certainly does!)

While the older, traditional spas in Germany tend to be stately, ornate structures with limited and/or prescribed activities during your stay, many of the newer spas have myriad activities to entertain the whole family. Erding leads the pack again here with a huge (textile) water park with slides, a wave pool, and an adjoining hotel.

For that matter, even the textile-free zones have more of a party vibe, with swim-up bars and noisy public areas where groups of friends gather on Friday and Saturday nights. Sometimes there’s even entertainment ranging from live music to circus acrobats.

Netherland spas, by contrast, focus on a quiet, meditative environment with a calm and quiet soaking experience.

In fact, the Dutch sauna experience tends to be much more tranquil, with an overall sense of meditation and calm. There are exceptions on both sides, like the calm atmosphere at Mediterana near Cologne or Vabali in Berlin. Conversely, there’s a nice vibe at the swim-up bar at Thermen Berendonck in central Netherlands. But overall, it seems the folks to the north are just a lot more about chillax.

FINALLY, (This is № 6!) you’ll want to know how to position yourself in the queue for the Aufguss. I promise, you won’t mess this one up more than once, because…

This is a big one!

I suspect my evolving experience on the learning curve about sauna culture is similar to what most people experience — including Europeans — with a sequence that goes something like this:

First time: You try out a sauna for three-minutes, then slip right back out, because you realize you’re gonna die!

Second time: You stay for the recommended ten-minutes, but realize you should sit on a lower bench because once you’re in there you’re pretty sure you’re gonna die!

Third time: You notice everyone gathering near particular saunas at different times of the day. You finally work up the courage to stay for the aufguss ceremony — where they pour hot water on the rocks then thwack the steam at you with a towel, sheet, or banja leaves — but you sit near the door in case you need to escape, because it still seems likely you’re gonna die!

In the end: You realize that if you show up early, you can mark a place with your extra towel on a lower shelf, not too far from the door, where you won’t get the brunt of the heat, and if it becomes evident you’re gonna die, you can bolt for the door. (Somebody always does!)

I had this down to a science in Germany as I learned how to gauge how crowded certain popular saunas were at certain times to the day. That’s when I started doing it like the locals, sneaking in for a three-minute soak 10 or 15 minutes before the aufguss is scheduled to begin, then exit the sauna, buck naked, to get a good chill just outside the door.

When the sauna master shows up to place the sign on the door that a closed session is about to begin, we’d all scurry in to assume our pre-designated towel positions.

Poetry in motion.

Which brings us back to my opening story when the Dutch woman yelled at me for putting my towel down and dashing outside, noting that at that particular spa near Amsterdam, nobody else was clever enough to choreograph this clever little choose your preferred seat stunt.

Why, you ask?

Because everyone was queuing up outside in various states of undress, waiting for the spa master to give the signal that they could go inside and fight for a good spot on a lower bench.

FACE-PALM!

I like the German way so much better!

And what’s more, in the Netherlands, if you choose a really popular sauna and you’re too far back in the line when they reach capacity, you get to stand in the cold for fifteen minutes only to be told

“You should plan better and get here earlier next time! Tot ziens!” (Good-bye!)

On our recent tour of Belgian and Netherlander spas, my daughter and I screwed this ritual up several times in a row, which means we have very few aufguss ceremonies to report on, despite our diligence. I will say that the people who actually got a seat looked very content afterward, but we’ll just have to go by their facial expressions of calm and tranquility to say “I bet it was great!”

In the meantime, I have a lot more to write about our recent sauna tour of northern Europe, so keep your eyes peeled for that in the coming weeks. While you’re waiting, maybe you want to check out my earlier piece about our favorite spas in Germany.

But if you decide to do this in Deutschland, don’t forget to bring an extra towel so you can be like the Germans and save yourself a good spot before the show begins.

But only in Germany!

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