It Changed My Life
Le Coup de Foudre
Just when I thought my love life was over, a twist of fate proved that I could not have been more wrong.
The first of my French lovers, Cédric, stood at 6ft tall with intricate brown eyes that held a world of secrets behind them. Secrets I yearned to know. He had olive skin and a prominent nose. Cédric was a Persian Parisian but life had brought him to Los Angeles.
Our meeting was very much destined. I had just returned from a trip to Paris and was utterly captivated by the French culture. Inspired to learn the language, I set my sights on finding a tutor.
One afternoon I was in Hollywood after a hike and decided to stop at a coffee shop that I used to frequent when I lived in the neighborhood. It was there I saw a flyer on the wall that caught my eye, a French tutor. Feeling the lightning bolt of fate strike I took down the information and immediately sent an email. We connected a week later and set up a date and time to meet.
At this stage in my life, I was feeling hopeless. My relationship of three years had been failing for a long time but we were each other's best friends and our lives were completely intertwined. We were afraid to let go although the passion and romance had ceased to exist.
It seemed as though I would never truly find the amorous love I had always dreamed of. Yet Paris had awakened a part of me that remembered human life can be extraordinary. Alas, it was difficult to hold on to that feeling once back in Los Angeles.
Enchanté!
The day came to meet with my French tutor for the first time. Feeling down, as I did most days, I thought about canceling. After deciding against it I threw on some sweats, put my hair in a bun, and set out to meet who I assumed to be an older French gentleman in his 50's.
I walked into the coffee shop, ordered myself a cappuccino, and found a nice table to have a seat. It suddenly occurred to me that I had no idea who I was waiting for. Looking around nervously no one else appeared to be expecting someone. I messaged him that I had arrived.
15 minutes later, already feeling self-conscious about being in an unfamiliar situation I convinced myself it was time to walk out. He was late and it was rude.
As I began to gather my belongings a rather awkward-looking man rushed inside surveying the cafe just as I had been doing. He held a gray notebook under his left arm, his hair was disheveled, and he appeared to be in his early 30's. After a moment we met eyes and I waved him over to my table.
He introduced himself as Cédric and sat down. He was a very interesting character and much younger than I had anticipated.
Next, the questioning began.
“Why do you want to learn French?” he eyeballed me, clearly proud of his heritage.
I told him of my recent trip to Paris and how I was blown away by the architecture, the fashion, the wine, the language, and planned to return but this time prepared. My aim was to learn French so I could connect with the locals on a deeper level.
As he listened there was a twinkle in his eye. Cédric was not my usual type but I immediately wished that I had put some effort into my appearance. We decided to work together twice a week.
An Intriguing Gentleman
The lessons began and I quickly learned that he was highly intelligent and extremely passionate about many subjects. He was a devout Buddhist and wanted nothing more than peace for all living things. Before long our classes would begin with discussing society, oppression, philosophy, and other topics that inspired us. It felt nice to be able to talk about real things without having to explain every detail or catch someone up to what I already knew. This man was on my playing field.
Cédric promptly became one of the people I looked most forward to spending time with. Each class I grew more and more attracted to him. He was no-nonsense and demanded the very best but was kind and forgiving if I struggled. Occasionally our knees would brush under the table and it would send a chill up my spine that I had long since forgotten.
I began to fall hard. Every day he was on my mind from dawn till dusk. I could not wait until the next class when I would be able to see him again. My mind started to fantasize about what it would feel like to touch him. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms, to listen to his fears, his dreams, his aspirations.
However, he was professional and never gave me any indication that he thought of me as more than a student or a friend.
Look Before You Leap
Eventually, the guilt started to set in as I was still with my boyfriend yet deeply drawn to another man. Although that was a huge sign that my relationship was over, I loved my boyfriend and didn't want to just throw away everything we had. Trying to salvage things, we took a trip to Mexico. While we were there I made the decision to stop my French lessons. If I no longer had contact with Cédric I could get over it and fix what was left of my relationship.
Unfortunately on the last day of our trip, I fell violently ill. After little concern over my condition, my boyfriend decided to leave me feverish and unattended in a foreign hotel room for hours while he went to a bar. That was the final nail in the coffin for me.
When we returned to California my sickness lasted two more weeks. Throughout which Cédric had reached out trying to schedule another lesson. I caught him up on the situation and let him know I would contact him when I was feeling better expecting never to do so.
Reunited and it Feels so Good
A week later I was serving tables at my job when I received a text from Cédric. He wanted to come to visit me at work. Since I had not seen him in a few weeks my feelings had fizzled and were once again platonic.
He arrived an hour later and grabbed a seat at the bar. It felt like seeing family once again and was a joyous occasion. When the time came for him to leave, he lingered in front of me with that same twinkle in his eye that had originally sparked my interest.
He pulled me in for a hug goodbye pressing his entire body against mine, something he had never done before. My heart started to race as we planned our lesson for later that week.
When we met up we spent most of the hour laughing and enjoying ourselves. After it was over I left floating on air, he was so wonderful. Once again I could not stop thinking about him. A smile was permanently plastered on my face as I went running errands.
Suddenly, my phone buzzed. It was a message from Cédric. He had sent me a video of goats playing as we had just discussed my recent visit to a goat farm. That did it for me, he must be into me too!
I decided I would risk sharing how I felt but wasn't sure how to do so. My first attempt was sending him texts more often hoping to change the dynamic from teacher to student to a bit more. However, it was not working.
The Downward Spiral
Meanwhile, in class, I realized I was no longer learning. I was only watching his lips move. From time to time outside of lessons he would reach out but it was only to plan our next one. It was painfully obvious that I was not important to him the way he was to me. I was merely a source of income.
Crazed with desire, I messaged him that I would no longer be able to take classes with him as I liked him too much. He seemed confused and disappointed. We agreed to meet and discuss my decision in person.
We met at the cafe. I arrived shaking nervously. He proceeded to tell me that if I was willing to end our lessons due to lack of control of my emotions that I was not mentally strong enough to survive a relationship with him. He also confessed that he prefers the company of two women at once. Frustrated, I told him that he has intimacy issues and there is nothing wrong with getting to know and enjoying one woman at a time. I was confident that I could bring him more love than any woman he had ever been with. However, our conversation ended with no solution.
I left disoriented. What had just happened? Had I been rejected? I was used to always getting what I wanted. My ego convinced me it was better to no longer have him in my life. It was too painful to subdue my real feelings. With that in mind, I terminated our classes and blocked his number so I was able to move forward.
Throw Caution To The Wind
A couple of weeks went by and my affections were only growing stronger. Was he thinking about me too? Did I hurt him by shutting him out? He must feel lonely being so far away from his loved ones.
I found Cédric in every flower, heard him in every song, and his laugh echoed throughout my memory. All I wanted was to share the details of my day with him.
The following Friday my girlfriend Sara was spending the night at my house and we decided to grab dinner at a local vegan spot. We were enjoying our meal and as usual, my thoughts drifted to Cédric. After a couple of glasses of wine, I decided that he wanted to hear from me.
“Hope you are doing well,” I text him then immediately tossed my phone into my purse.
A bit later I pulled it back out to check my screen, he had replied.
“Come to a party with me. It is all French people… the last of your lessons.”
My face grew hot with anticipation.
“I have friends with me.”
“Bring them. Bring anyone,” he replied.
Casually I asked my friend Sara and our newest addition Erin if they would like to go to a French party with me. They happily accepted.
It was all too good to be true. I called an Uber which drove us to a house in South Central.
“Where the heck are we going?” I chuckled nervously. We had been driving for 40 minutes. Hopefully, I wasn't dragging my friends into a trap. Not long after we arrived.
There were some people outside smoking so we introduced ourselves and let them know we were friends with Cédric. They lead us into the house and there he was, standing in the kitchen, surrounded by people. He was so handsome, so mysterious, so drunk.
I had never seen him that way and he was behaving quite strangely. He introduced me to his friends. They seemed to be selling him to me although he was already bought and paid for in my mind.
He kept bouncing around all over the party then would pop up next to me. This caused me to stiffen as I was unsure of what to expect.
“Why are you so weird?” He looked me up and down shaking his head.
My girlfriends were trying to rally but there were not many cute men in attendance so after a while we decided to leave. The mind games were on in full effect and nothing seemed to be coming of it. I let Cédric know that we were heading out and he insisted on escorting us to our Uber.
Outside he hugged my friends goodbye then it was my turn to say farewell.
He pivoted back to my girlfriends and asked “May we have a moment alone, please?”
Looking at me bewildered they went off to the car but still observed us carefully.
“Thank you for the invite, that was fun,” I said as we embraced. Then he pulled me in closer and kissed me.
My heart stopped beating as his tongue gently caressed mine. It was sensual and delicious. It was everything I had ever wanted. I pulled away in shock and a tad embarrassed.
“Goodnight” I smiled from ear to ear and he did the same.
Stunned I climbed into the car with my friends. Did that really just happen? He had not seemed interested in me at all.
“Girl, what is going on with you and that guy?” Sara was dying to know the details.
I shrugged unable to make sense of what just transpired.
My lips were still moist from our kiss. It felt like my soul was hovering above my body. His smell lingered in my senses and the Uber drove off into the night.
