Ladies, Please Don’t Have Kids With A Guy Who Won’t Marry You

You owe it to your children to get those legal protections.

Janie* had been seeing Chris* for about three years. A young, up-and-coming lady in her field, Janie is a gorgeous woman who would make an excellent wife.

Oh, and she was mad about Chris. She absolutely wanted to be his wife.

Chris…well, not so much. He kept insisting that he wants to have a baby first, then he’ll propose. Maybe. He just wasn’t keen on putting a ring on it. The longer the two were together, the more pressure he’s put on her for a kid.

For a while, Janie really considered having a kid with him to keep him. Every time she asked why he wouldn’t marry her, he’d find a way to scuttle it. Janie did something a lot of women in her position don’t do: she left.

Janie was a smart woman, and I’ll tell you why.

The most obvious reason why I’m happy to see Janie dump Chris’s sorry ass is because they are fundamentally incompatible. A growing number of women aren’t wise enough to make that call.

Chris does not want marriage. Janie does not want kids without marriage. Chris wouldn’t budge. Janie had the choice of either giving up her dreams and living in a relationship that will always make her wonder why she wasn’t enough, or to dump him.

She chose well. She just freed up her schedule so that she can find a guy who will propose. Meanwhile, Chris’s busted ass can sit there and get dusty over someone else with future-faking.

However, it’s not just that; you should never have kids with a guy who refuses to propose.

I’ll be real with you, ladies. The worst thing that you can do to yourself and your future children is to have kids with a guy who won’t propose. Here’s why:

• It makes child support and parent visitation harder. A marriage contract gives you 1,100 rights in US law. Many of the rights awarded to you deal with more amicable child support, family rights, and inheritance rights.
• A marriage contract protects you, too. Women become way more financially vulnerable when they’re pregnant. Then, when the baby is born, women are going to have to face serious fiscal risks. That risk gets even higher if you want to be a stay-at-home parent. I have seen women live with men for 30 years, have the man die, and then find out they were never given an inheritance…after being stay-at-home moms for them. This can lead to homelessness. Marriage would have prevented them from being destitute in their old age.
• Contrary to popular belief, a kid is not a “forever” commitment. It’s not. If it was, then there wouldn’t be so many deadbeat dads and there wouldn’t be so many women who have to fight tooth and nail for their exes to see their kids.
• There’s a growing number of men who seem to fetishize having as many baby mamas as possible. Call it a breeding fetish or call it sadism to their women, but these guys have zero intention of sticking around for their kids.
• He’s not interested in sticking around if he won’t marry you. A man who does not want to propose to you is a man who does not see a future with you. #Sorrynotsorry. Guys can make excuses all they want, but at the end of the day, it’s true.
• A man who is trying to negotiate this also doesn’t care what pregnancy does to your body. There. I said the thing. Pregnancy changes your body permanently. It can kill you. If a man doesn’t want to marry you, that shows you that he doesn’t care that you’re permanently altering your body for him. Or rather, he doesn’t see that permanent alteration and massive responsibility to be worth a goddamn legal document.
• Studies related to kids who come from single-parent households show it can be an issue. At the end of the day, there are a lot of studies that show that kids need a father in their lives. Marriage can help ensure that he’ll stick around for the kiddo, too — and that bodes well for your child.
• A lot of commitment-phobic men have misogynistic reasons for that phobia. If he keeps mentioning that marriage makes “women leave with half,” he’s likely got a lot of latent misogyny. That misogyny? It will always be there and no amount of you trying to convince him otherwise will change that. Don’t put yourself through his underlying hate, ok?

A kid is a huge responsibility for women and a huge status symbol for men.

The stakes for a child are much, much higher for women than they are for men. Women can’t up and leave their kids the way men can. Our society excoriates women who bail. Men? Not so much. They’re given trophies for the bare minimum of parenting.

A lot of shitty men love the idea that they are “creating a legacy” with kids. I mean, sure, if all a man can do is spread his sperm everywhere, I guess that’s his legacy. Higher-effort things, like starting a nonprofit or educating his kids? Yeah, that’s too much effort for a lot of them.

I want to point out that guys who do this might not actually be after a baby, but rather, after money. Men will also impregnate a woman as a way to get financially tied to her. This is most common with guys who have bad career prospects who want to “hook a rich one.”

What I’m saying is that a man who wants a baby without marriage does not have your best interests in mind.

Ladies, I’m seeing way too many of you having kids with men who don’t want to marry. I’m seeing way too many of you being taken advantage of, trapped, or otherwise used by guys who don’t care about you.

If he wants a baby before marriage, he’s not going to marry you. Moreover, he doesn’t give a fuck about you. If he did, he’d be fine with getting you the legal protections you need to maximize you and your child’s chances at a good future.

Run, get away from him, and suggest that he spay/neuter himself. This has been my PSA of the day, thank you.