Lack of Masculinity Isn’t the Problem In Our Culture
The issue is the wrong kind of masculinity, the sort encouraged by a dominator society
Some people seem to believe that feminism is ruining the world, in part because it is seen to be attacking masculinity and even viewed by some as trying to make our culture over into a highly feminized one. What’s a bit funny though, besides the fact that this is objectively not the goal of feminism, is that at least some of these same people are simultaneously lamenting that men don’t know how to behave in ways that are self-reflective or conscious. Instead, they are externally focused and have no sense of wonder at the world. As one such guy said when decrying the lack of real men anymore:
“He spends all of his time on the hedonic treadmill, trying to escape from reality — that he’s fat, that he’s broke, that he struggles to get out of bed every morning.
Every once in a while, his mind opens up to the possibility that he is responsible for what his life has become.”
In other words, he doesn’t have enough feminine traits and skills. He doesn’t have enough balance in his life in order to have healthy masculinity. We don’t need more hyper-masculine men who do not allow themselves to feel too much or to have any understanding of their internal life and its processes. That’s what leads to the kind of man being described above.
He’s always striving, always, stoic, independent to the point of isolation, externally focused, and has little capacity to understand his challenging emotions. Instead, he packs them all into the one-size-fits-all box of anger. He tries to assuage the pain that this causes by blunting it with buying cooler stuff, achieving more at work, or scoring more with women. Consequently, he’s basically kind of a mess because these external-focused false achievements cannot begin to touch what is truly ailing him.
This sort of patriarchal model of masculinity is not balanced and it’s not robust or virile. In fact, it’s directly responsible for the epidemic levels of male suicide and substance abuse, because these demands are so isolating and cause so much loneliness. They drive so much insecurity and dysfunction. Human beings are a highly social species. We need to be inter-related and connected, not excessively independent, always in control, and never able to go beneath the surface of our tough veneer to interface with what is truly going on for us.
Right now we live in an incredibly androcentric culture. Yin (feminine) traits such as introspection and intuition are not considered acceptable for men — or for anyone really, and that’s a huge issue. Only Yang (masculine) traits are considered to be appropriate — things like being determined, linear, competitive, and goal-directed. Those are all fine, but only when they are also balanced with things like creativity, empathy, and collaboration, which are Yin. And that’s true for everyone — we all need some measure of balance. That demand for men to have no Yin traits comes out of this dominator model called patriarchy and it’s incredibly destructive to both males and to society.
The crisis in masculinity in our culture doesn’t come from a lack of masculine models or from too many single mothers or anything remotely like that. It’s due to living in a society that is so out of balance that healthy masculinity is hard to find and only the violent, porn-addicted, always comparing yourself to everyone around you (rather than doing your inner work) kind of masculinity is celebrated and applauded. Just look at blockbuster movies as Exhibit A. This is the kind of man who is glorified in American films, but without showing how truly unhealthy it is to live that way and how unhappy and disaffected it truly makes him.
This is what makes for so many fragile and weak men. They aren’t well-rounded, they aren’t self-responsible, they make themselves feel better by making others feel bad (which is exactly what patriarchy teaches them to do — because it’s a dominance hierarchy and not just a male/female dynamic). Patriarchy is a pecking order of power that is maintained through intimidation and violence. Men, in particular, have to constantly prove and re-prove their status in it.
“The Man Box” of patriarchy, which is the container for this sort of thing, is one of the main reasons that men gay-bash. It’s a way to perform masculinity and show that you are “a real man” from a very restricted list of what that means. It’s why men harass women on the street, and why harassment escalates when men are in groups. Each guy is vying for who can perform this sort of masculinity best. But that’s not laudable. It’s not strong, or healthy. It’s a bunch of man-children trying to play “king of the hill.”
We’ve built an entire culture around comparing ourselves to other people. Who has a better car or more expensive shoes? Who has a vacation home or a boat? Who has most ruthlessly climbed to the top of the pyramid of power? There is no arrival in this scenario. No amount of money is ever enough. No accolades are sufficient. Someone is always coming for your position, so you’d better keep striving. You can never rest, never trust, never have any real friends, and if anyone challenges you, you’d better put them down!
That’s not authentic masculinity. It’s the sort that has been packaged and sold in order to drive our economic system but also to uphold our dominance-based social system. This is not a culture of competent adults. It’s a society made up of insecure schoolyard bullies who don’t know how to take responsibility for their own emotions but are quite happy to make you pay for them.
Women participate in and uphold patriarchy as well, but it is men who are most rigidly held to the Man Box standards (no real equivalent exists for women). Masculinity in America is fleeting and must be constantly performed in order for men to feel good about themselves. This is the problem; not some imagined demonization of men. Men in this culture are not allowed to be full human beings. They are only allowed the Yang part of the continuum and encouraged to participate enthusiastically in defining themselves by dominating others.
Not only are women to be (consciously or subconsciously) dominated, but any individuals or classes of people that are deemed to be weaker or inferior will be because it is a zero-sum system. If you don’t win, you lose, and so it’s imperative to always try to appear to be the dominant one in any interpersonal interaction. Racism is a form of patriarchy. So is homophobia. So is garden variety bullying.
This is not strong, vibrant masculinity. There are nearly infinite ways to be “a real man” that are healthy and non-toxic, including naturally gravitating towards mostly Yang traits, but some measure of balance is still necessary in order to be a full human being. We need more men who want to be and who are allowed to be all of themselves; not just the parts that fit into patriarchal ideas of what is allowed for men. And we also need more women (and others) who will accept them in that fullness and not try to push them back into what is perhaps expected, despite how dysfunctional it is.
Don’t blame feminism for a lack of solid, robust masculinity in our culture; blame patriarchy and the restrictive rules and boundaries that force men to become shells of who they might be if allowed to embrace all of themselves. A dominator-based social system is to blame, not those who want men to be allowed to be full and balanced human beings or who want a culture that celebrates and encourages Yin as well as Yang.
© Copyright Elle Beau 2021 Elle Beau writes on Medium about sex, life, relationships, society, anthropology, spirituality, and love. If this story is appearing anywhere other than Medium.com, it appears without my consent and has been stolen.
