Lack of confidence: Are you sure this is your problem?
How to become confident by mastering just one powerful skill
What Kind of Confidence Do You Need?
Why do you need confidence? Are you sure it’s the lack of confidence that makes your life difficult? What if it is a social anxiety disorder? A sociophobia? Fear to say something wrong? Anxiety caused by people watching you? Or a simple lack of necessary skills?
“…in reality, competent people are generally confident, but confident people are generally not competent.“
Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic
How to become more confident is one of the most covered by media topics. And yet, the interest is not getting lower.
Why is it so?
Magic Stick Meets Magic Promise
It’s because very often we are chasing confidence, not knowing that the problem is in something different, e.g., in connecting with people. Social Anxiety Disorder (social phobia) is the third-largest mental health care problem in the world today. We need to tame our phobias, fears, anxieties, and reconnect with the world first, and then work on confidence.
It’s also because people think they need a magic stick they toss in the air, and the whole world will be under their feet.
The demand is great, and psychologists, teachers, broadcasters, journalists, writers produce thousands of magic recipes of a divine character rebirth.
Faking competence
They promise you to get confidence by embracing your fear, by believing in yourself, in what you think of yourself, in your successes, wins, skills, capabilities, in whatever you honestly don’t have, need to learn, and very often don’t need at all.
What they are encouraging you to do is to fake those virtues. But if you are not dreaming about a bully role, you don’t need fake confidence.
“Fake confidence spells big trouble for everyone.”
Jessica Wildfire
What you need is competence, and confidence will follow as a magic buddy.
Confident or competent?
According to University College of London professor Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic in the brilliant HBR podcast “The Dangers of Confidence”, “…in reality, …competent people are generally confident, but confident people are generally not competent.”
Why Do We Prefer Confidence to Competence?
It is the scientifically proven fact, that people take advantage of being overconfident. It’s also true that we are easy prey to self-assured politicians, managers, singers, preachers, TV heads, and macho mates. We cannot tell the difference between a competent and confident person. It is also a reason why women cannot break through the dominance of Alpha males in leadership roles.
I suspect our tribal origin can be one of the Alpha male dominance causes.
What will our world be if we start choosing doctors, engineers, and pilots by mere confidence?
Competence First
I don’t think the majority of us need and appreciate that type of confidence. You can achieve true confidence by enhancing your skills.
My best confidence articles on Medium are How To Build The Self-Confidence You Need To Win At Life by Darius Foroux and What Real Confidence Looks Like by Jessica Wildfire. Both of the articles brilliantly show the importance of competence to be confident.
Magic Tool Exists, but You Have to Learn It
Whatever your intentions about confidence are, there is one paramount skill that is universal if mastered to a good level.
It’s public speaking.
If you are looking for a magic stick, public speaking is exactly it. The only issue with it is you have to master it like any other skill.
For Dreamers
If you want to deliver your thoughts, work, stance, skill, emotion, knowledge, idea, desire, will, dream, words to a pair or thousands focused on your eyes, public speaking skills will inflate them with power.
For Scammers
If your goal is to cheat, hide your true self, masquerade your true intentions, or fake your incompetence, much to my regret, you can also do it with public speaking skills as many singers, politicians, and job interviewees do.
For Social Anxiety Disorder Sufferers Like Former Me
You can overcome your fears, anxieties, and phobias in social interactions by learning confident communication skills. They will help you to reconnect with the world and deliver your message to it.
As Thomas A. Richards, President of Social Phobia/Social Anxiety Association writes, “Often, we are led to the conclusion that effective therapy comes only from people who have experienced this disorder themselves.”
That person is me. I have overcome sociophobia by learning public speaking skills.
For Introverts
Very often, you are in the loop of repeating the same ineffective communication approach and all your life think you are a loser. If you are an introvert, public speaking skills will be your tool to equalize your chances with extraverts in promoting your competence (during interviews, idea presentations, defending your version of what happened…).
For Inner-Self Workers
You will learn how to disconnect from your inner self and connect to others. You will start noticing their reactions, remembering their names, comments, questions.
For Emotional Intelligence Enthusiasts
You will better control your emotions to always remember who you are, why you are here now, what you want to achieve or defend in any hectic or scary situation.
To Look Confident
You will learn how to look confident not by wearing something nice or expensive. Your posture, gestures, look, smile, voice — everything in you will be expressing confidence even if you are not an Alpha male.
To Talk Confidently
You will learn how to engage your listeners to make them feel you speak directly to them no matter how big your audience is. Your voice, gestures, and words will convince your opponents to believe what you say.
To Listen Actively
You will master your active listening skills. You will become a good company for people. You will become a professional interviewer by picking up discrepancies, lies, keywords in what people say, and will ask great questions. Learning a foreign language will be much easier as well.
To Turn a Heated Debate into a Discission
You will know how to turn a conflict into a discussion by focusing on the subject and avoiding emotional talk.
To Become a Master of Communication
You will know how to connect yourself to people, as you will be the master of communication.
Learning the Magic Confidence Tool
Best TED talk stars were not born brilliant speakers. They have learned how to become ones. Sir Winston Churchill, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., Nelson Mandela, and many other great leaders have inspired the world with their words. But they have been mastering the skill all their lives.
Every skill can be learned. I started studying public speaking at the age of 45 when I got my first managerial role. I’m still mastering it. I wish I learned it when I was 10 or later when my social phobias were settling in. My life would have been so different.
I’ve read dozens of books, hundreds of articles, and have been through several public speaking courses. I know one course that is very simple, easy, but effective and compelling. I cannot promote anything on Medium, but Linkedin course “Communicating with confidence” by Jeff Ansell is free, so I don’t think there will be a problem if I share information about it with you. It’s my expression of gratitude to Jeff for his outstanding work.