Knowing when your anger is a problem
Is your anger getting in the way of your opportunities or relationships? It may be time to admit that your anger is a problem.
by: E.B. Johnson
Anger is a complex emotion and one that can be uncomfortable or challenging to deal with. It’s understandable. Our anger comes from a deep place and its reactions can be swift and volatile. Until we learn how to identify and control this dramatic feeling, it can undermine our quality of life and even the quality of the relationships we build. Anger rules your life if you allow it to. The key to avoiding this is resolving it once and for all.
Signs your anger is getting in the way.
While we all experience our anger in different ways, it has a tendency in corrupting our happiness in very similar ways. From becoming socially isolated to building toxic romantic relationships — anger will unbutton every shred of joy you manage for yourself if you don’t learn to spot its effects in your everyday world.
Increased stress levels
Anger increases the stress we feel, and this can lead to a number of physical and emotional problems. Physical breakdown is a common side effect of stress. You start to sleep less; you get more headaches, and you may even notice lowered immune function or increased aches and pains. What’s truly alarming, though, are the increased risks of both stroke and heart disease; two often-overlooked side-effects with potentially catastrophic results.
Self-hatred
Believe it or not, unaddressed anger can result in increased self-loathing and feelings of anxiety and depression. Because anger is meant to protect us from perceived injury or wrong, it pushes us away from people. The more isolated we become, the more we begin to internalize our loneliness and our self-worth. As people trickle away, you may question what’s wrong with you. This compounds into further resentment and a self-fulfilling cycle that stimulates ideas of worthlessness and hopelessness.
Bad partnerships
There can be little denying the serious impact that our anger has on our romantic relationships. Toxic partnerships are built onrage, lies, and a complete inability to be vulnerable. The more anger that dwells between you and your partner, the less you will be able to love them, trust them, or appreciate them as you should. It pushes you away from one another, but worse than that, it corrupts the way you see relationships and true love.
Corrupt social groups
While you may not become entirely isolated, your anger will definitely take a toll on your social circles in the worst possible ways. Angry people attract more angry people, and these social circles become festering cesspools of self-sustaining negatively. All clouded by your constant pain and rage, you keep one another from seeking true happiness. You may even discourage one another from taking action in the name of making yourselves better.
Total isolation
Social isolation is one of the most common signs that you’re dealing with disruptive anger. This might come from constant outbursts that alienate your partners, your family, and even your coworkers. On the other end, it can result in internalized self-loathing that causes you to put up impenetrable walls. If you have a history of trauma, you may even to resent the world in general and harbor a general air of anger that makes you unpleasant to be around.
Poor decision making
Because anger causes so much stress and anixety in our lives, it can have a direct effect on our decision-making skills. Anger is disruptive, and it clouds our judgement by forcing us to focus on negative aspects of our experience. So clouded, you’re unable to think rationally and without bias — which moves you to make poor decisions (or those which aren’t fully thought through).
Decreased opportunities
Anger really clouds our judgement and put on a pair of blinkers that can be hard to shake off. When you’re angry and stuck in your anger, you can’t see all your options. Likewise, you’ll struggle to find any new opportunities through your dwindling connections. Who you know is absolutely critical when you’re looking to advance in life, or move your family forward. When you live in anger, you limit your opportunities both personally and professionally.
The best ways to handle your anger (the healthy way).
Once you are ready to let go of the rage, you can see the above signs for what they are and take action in your life. Are you ready to let go? Are you ready to find peace and a better way to live in tandem with the world around you? You must take action. These basic steps can get you moving in the right direction.
1. Take responsibility for your reactions
When you get angry do you feel yourself blacking out or losing control? Does your anger take on a life of its own, or make you feel helpless and vulnerable? If so, you’re not alone. Anger is a strong emotion, and it moves us quickly in an effort to right perceived wrongs. When we allow it to control us to this level, however, we can find ourselves behaving both toxically and disproportionately. While anger is powerful, we must understand that we alone have the power to control both our behavior and the way we feel.
Start listening to your anger more than you react to it. In that same vein, listen to the emotions of others when you’re angry and take them into consideration too. Learn how to let your emotions speak before you allow them to react harshly, or out of a need for “justice”.
Take responsibility for your anger and any reactions you give in to. Know that your anger can absolutely be inspired by others, but you alone have the power to control how you act and how you feel. Someone may make you angry, but they can’t keep you that way. You make the decision what mood to keep, and you control the thoughts and responses around that mood. Stop lashing out. Stop saying and doing things you regret. When someone makes you angry, take 10 and walk away to decompress and process what you really want to do next.
2. Know who you want to become
When you know who you are, it’s very hard to be deterred by anger or the machinations of other people. In order to know that person, though, we have to know who we want to be in the future. Knowing who you want to become is a superpower that no one can deprive you of. It shines a light on the deepest parts of your beauty and makes it hard for the shadows of anger (and angry people) to permeate the horizon that we’re building.
Look to your future and allow yourself to get excited about it. Envision a picture of self that makes you proud; a vision of self you can fall in love with. Who do you want to be? What life do you want to look back over when it’s all said-and-done? Will your anger give you that life? Will it allow you to build those relationships, or score those professional opportunities?
Focus on that person you’re meant to be. See them in full and honest color, then commit to doing everything it takes to build them up. Your anger will not shelter that person, and it will not build a house that person can fill with love. Put your anger in the back seat in favor of that person. Understand the corruption that it causes and the hurdles that it builds for you. Thank it. Then let it go. Our anger serves a purpose, but it should not rule our home.
3. Embrace your anger’s purpose
Before acting on our anger, we have to develop a deeper understanding of its nature and its purpose. All of our emotions exist for a reason. As humans, we rely on our emotions to protect us from danger and safeguard our mental wellbeing. It’s an evolutionary asset that has allowed us to form communities, protect ourselves against enemies, and navigate a world that is growing more and more distant and complex by the day. If we want to control our anger, we need to understand it and embrace the reasons behind it.
Dig deeper to the purpose of your anger, and where it’s really coming from. Don’t just look at the surface of a situation. Really question it and compare it against previous reactions you’ve had before. Anger generally occurs when we feel slighted, unappreciated, unseen, or unheard. It can be both honest and dishonest, and it can be both productive and unproductive.
Once you’ve developed a habit of questioning your anger, you can embrace the reasons behind it. To embrace does not mean to allow. It means to accept them as they are and realize the reality of their impact in your life. Be brutally honest. Look to your past and look to your future too. Is this reaction tied to something deeper? Or has your anger become a shield that protects you from opening up when it counts the most? We all have different reasons for being angry, but the results are the same.
4. Create a mindfulness practice
When we think of being mindful, we often assume it means simply being nice (to ourselves and others) — but it’s much, much more than that. Mindfulness is a powerful tool and a powerful state of being which can help us to unlock our true potential and create more loving, compassionate and fulfilling environments and experiences for ourselves. It’s being present in the moment, and it’s being aware of both where we’re at and how we’re feeling.
When we learn how to be more mindful, we actually unlock powerful avenues of emotional intelligence, which in turn allows us to better deal with the toxic stress that permeates our lives. Meditation is a great place to start. Find a quiet place to close your eyes and clear your mind each day. Take just 10–15 minutes and focus on your breathing and that inner sense of peace you’re seeking.
You can also use this time to focus on what you’re grateful for, or the way you want to feel and act. Meditation doesn’t have to be spiritual. It’s all about learning to present and comfortable in your mind, your body, and your thoughts. If you’re not comfortable with meditation, then journalling is another great way to get in touch with your center again (outside of the anger). Write about your hopes, your dreams, and all the things that bring you peace. Likewise, you can use it as a dumping ground to let out your rage in a safe and non-judgemental space.
5. Get some professional help
Anger can come from some very real and very raw places. Not all anger happens in the present moment. As a matter of fact, much of the rage we feel in this life is tied to painful moments from the past which were never properly processed and resolved. Whether that pain comes from past relationships, or a childhood that was fraught with trauma and dysfunction — we have to find a way to let it go if we want to detach from the anger that’s eating us alive.
That’s where a mental health professional can come into play. By reaching out to an expert, we can more safely explore those raw and deeply planted moments that traumatize us or drive us toward rage. These are not always experiences that can (or should) be explored on your own. We often need help to navigate and remember this pain in the right way.
Let go of any strange and judgmental ideas. It’s not taboo to seek therapy anymore. It’s not awkward, it’s not elitist, and it’s not inaccessible. There is help for every budget and every problem — no matter how dark your trauma might be. There is someone out there who can help you, and there is someone out there who specializes in precisely the pain you’re experiencing. Don’t battle your anger alone if you don’t have to. (Spoiler alert: You don’t have to).
Putting it all together…
Anger is a powerful and complex emotion that can move us to many strange and dramatic places. When we fail to address the reasons behind our rage, it compounds until it becomes a wall that encloses us and disrupts our closest relationships and ambitions. There is no part of your life that anger won’t touch if you allow it to take charge. That’s why it’s crucial we work on developing an understanding of this emotion, then take action to correct and resolve it.
Peel back the curtain and discover the reasons behind your anger. Embrace them and know that they only exist to protect you and your wellbeing. Seeing them for what they are allows you to then resolve them, so that you can work on mastering your reaction to the rage. Stop lashing out and know that you alone choose how much power to give your anger over your life. Take responsibility for your reactions and build a mindfulness routine that allows you to relax and let go on a regular basis. If there are complex reasons behind your rage, consider enlisting a mental health professional to help you work on the traumas and emotional shadows that are causing you to lash out and lockdown. Look to the future and build a vision of who you want to become. Is that person angry? Are they controlled by rage and pain? Focus on the life you want to build and put your anger in the passenger seat once and for all.
- Slep, A., Heyman, R., Lorber, M., Tiberio, S., & Casillas, K. (2021). Couples’ Anger Dynamics during Conflict: Interpersonal Anger Regulation, Relationship Satisfaction, and Intimate Partner Violence. Family Process. doi: 10.1111/famp.12634