Parenting

Knowing When to Shut Up is a Life Skill

We learned disciple by riding the bus with my mom

“Self-discipline is the magic power that makes you darn near unstoppable.” — Unknown

I’ve never had a problem with talking too much. My mom made sure of that.

Expectations

My mother had expectations of her children whenever we were out with her. There were times she needed to go to business places when there was no one available to take care of us. She would pack us all up, and we would head out to the Stoney Island bus stop. There was no schedule for the city buses; you simply stood at the bus stop until a bus pulled up, then you got on.

Mom was in the front. As the oldest, I was in the back. Once the bus pulled up, my mom would step onto the bus; then her children would board after her, stopping in the aisle until I got onboard. It was my job to get everyone seated. My brothers and sisters knew not to block anyone else from getting on the bus.

No Talking Allowed

We knew not to let anyone touch us in any way on the bus. If we were touched, we would scream as loud as we could to attract either my or mom’s attention. We only had a man put his hand on my little sister once. My mother told the man that if he wanted his hand, he would take it off my sister, right the hell now.

Ma was less than three inches from his face when she said that. Me and my siblings were behind the man facing Ma, who was making grumbling, growling noises. Although the man was much bigger, the prospect of fighting my mother and her children did not seem to appeal to him. The irrationality of the situation must have struck him. He took his hand off my sister right quick and exited the bus at the next stop.

The bus was a ‘speak only when spoken to’ situation. My mother had a belt folded in her purse just in case. We all knew it. Only once did one of my sisters decide she needed to articulate her feelings on the bus. She yelled. My mother lit into her with a shoe so hard that the rest of us put our heads down or stared out the window for the rest of the trip. My sister was told to shut up or be given something more to cry about. She stopped.

Although the man was much bigger, the prospect of fighting my mother and her children did not seem to appeal to him. The irrationality of the situation must have struck him. He took his hand off my sister right quick and exited the bus at the next stop.

It took a lot of discipline not to talk during the bus ride as there were all kinds of exciting things on the bus. If a person spoke to you, you nodded politely. When the drunk or high people got on the bus, you could laugh at their antics as long as you did so silently. If a fight broke, we crept out of the way. If we rode past foolhardiness, we just looked, no comment.

The Real World

This ability to wordlessly witness madness paid off when we became professionals in the business world. People could say whatever foolish things they wanted in a meeting or public setting without getting a rise from us, never knowing our “real” feelings or intentions regarding their proclamations. We could then choose to act or not as we decided. I believe this trait, holding my tongue, is one reason I was successful in so many of my leadership positions. I appeared neutral even when I had an explicit agenda. Knowing when to shut up is a life skill.

Even now, I remember those bus trips with fondness and a little bit of a knot in my stomach. We never knew what we would see, but we also knew we were safe under my mother’s protection. No matter who was on the bus and whatever was going on around us; we knew we were safe. That safety has guided me my entire life in uncertain situations. I was never as vulnerable at any job as when my mom took me on the bus. If only they had known what I was thinking when they came at me at work? Oh, well. Their mistake.

Toni Crowe retired to pursue her dream of being a writer. Toni has written six books. Her bestselling business book, ‘Bullets and Bosses Don’t Have Friends’ won a Gold Readers Award.

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