SATIRE

Kim Jong Un-explained Mysteries

Divine refutations and elucidation from the Supreme Leader

Greetings to you plebian anti-democratic vestibules of the World!

I am the great and illimitable leader of the greatest empire to ever be seen under the light of the commanding sun.

As I am sure you know, I am referring to our dear nation of undivided beliefs — the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

All hail to me, your dear Leader!

I am reaching out across the great expanse of salted waters to challenge your so-called knowledge in the West. I am here to set the CD straight.

Many of my willing and loving gudgeons at home have recently pointed out Yankees have many misunderstandings of my greatness.

After cutting off their points, I decided to write to you imbecilic morons directly.

You may now bow down in my greatness and self love me all night.

Mystery #1 — Why am I large when my people are not?

I cannot postulate the abhorrent ignorance of this question’s simplicity. It is a simple answer, but too simple for your peoples, apparently.

For I, Kim Jong Un, am composed of 98% muscle.

You rotund bastards in the West have merely no frame of reference to possibly understand how much skeletal muscle I have, and therefore are content to call me “fat.”

Come to my home and I will show you fat!

As for my magnificently satiated people in the greatest country, they are merely fasting. How did you not know this?

Every day when I peer through the great internet firewall of DPRK, I see butterball Yankees trying out ‘Intermittent Fasting’.

Fools! We have been perfecting this for decades!

Come here and I will teach you how to truly end up in a fasted state.

Mystery #2 — Why does the great Leader kill his brothers and uncles?

Let me ask you a more important question, why don’t you kill your family members?

I cannot understand your idiocy in this matter. Are you telling me that when a family member raises his hand while you are still talking, you let them live?

This is what is wrong these days with the West.

Do not stand idly by, eating a leg of fried pig, the next time a family member slights you.

It is as easy as pulling out your 20-meter ballistic cannon from the secret military base 33.2 degrees northeast of Pyongyang and setting it up with your elite crew of commandos.

Whenever my family comes over for Thanksgiving, I have the cannon rotated every three minutes to face another chair. If my loving family members don’t give me Thanks and giving, they know what will happen.

Great idea for a holiday, by the way. And the only good thing to come out of the United Hates other than Dennis Rodman.

He doesn’t need to worry about my canon though. His beautiful skills in the sport of ball baskets are all the Thanks and givings I need.

I bet you don’t even have your team of secret agents spend an entire year convincing poor souls from Indonesia that they are on a game show and have them poison your brother in Malaysia?

Seriously, American’t, you need to step up your game, bro.

Mystery #3 — Why does DPRK use the word Democratic in its name?

I still have no idea what this question even means. But of course, I understand everything that ever was, so I had to eliminate the insolent question asker.

It is truly you ignoramus Western people and your dotard leader that have the true misunderstanding here.

Korea is the most democratic community-oriented grand dominion in the history of democratic community-oriented grand dominions!

How is it not democracy when I am at the heart and soul of the sun. I am all-knowing and I let people know to vote for me because I know they will.

And for those dastardly evil pompous spies that dare have the thought of voting (if I let them vote) against me, I will invite them over for a military Thanksgiving dinner quicker than they can say “Why?”

But the canon will not be full of my uncle or turkeys this time, my frenemies. You can count on that as surely as you can count on me enjoying my 3rd lunch today.

Until next time or nuclear annihilation, sincerely yours and death to America,

Supreme Leader of Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, Chairman of the Workers Party of Korea, Commander-in-Chef, Invincible and Triumphant General of the Army, 5 Time PGA Champion, Fastest Canon in the East, and purveyor of fine cheeses, Kim Jong Un