Killing marital sex: don’t look at others, only at me!
This is an article that can cause a strong reaction among readers. And even some of my colleagues. And this is natural. Because in it I touched on two very vulnerable “places” of the soul: the topic of fear of adultery and the topic of fading sexual attraction between spouses. The article does not answer what to do. But I tried to show how the demand for selective impotence leads to marital impotence. And, as a result, to adultery. From which, according to her plan, she was supposed to protect the spouses. That is, he focused only on analyzing the cause. After all, only a correct analysis can lead to the correct answer to the question, what to do…
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This will be a series of articles. Something like bad advice , but not for children, but for adults. More precisely, for spouses.
And yes, I remember that a lot has already been said and written on this topic. So I’ll try to say something really new.
Let’s get started.
The first and perhaps most common way to kill sex in a married couple is to demand that you and your partner not pay attention to the sexuality of those around you.
A beloved woman, a wife, should not look with interest at other men, only at her husband, and a beloved man, a husband — at other women, only at his wife .
It is served under beautiful packaging. Supposedly this is a manifestation and proof of complete, absolute love and marital fidelity to your partner.
At the same time, by default they “work proactively”: if you look, something bad will already happen. Some go so far as to consider an interested look to be a complete and 100% betrayal. Apparently, the one who thinks this way believes that once someone has aroused a partner’s primary interest, he will no longer be able to stop. And everything will definitely end in betrayal. Actions will follow and rapprochement is inevitable.
Although everyone knows well that after such a look it is very, very difficult to get close, even when both are free and plus also like each other. But the fear of betrayal, as they say, has big eyes…
There is another option. Someone is sure that the partner, after looking, already mentally, in his imagination, committed a romantic or sexual act with the one who attracted his attention.
So, those who think this way and then tell their partner about it are severely “fired” themselves. Because the belief “I looked — it means I wanted it and already mentally slept” is most often supported by people who themselves have a strong involuntary, that is, uncontrollable imagination. It’s really hard for them to stop. Their imagination works independently and does not obey strong-willed orders. And they, indeed, mentally regularly “tumble” with someone. But, of course, they will not allow their partner to do this.
Because as soon as they saw that their partner “looked” at someone, their imagination immediately “draws” a picture of a love-sexual interaction taking place between their partner and the one he “looked” at. Those. in their heads, in their painful imagination, a betrayal has already actually occurred.
Of course, people with such wild imaginations are unhappy people. They would like to be creative. Draw pictures, write music, etc. And not mass-replicate scenes of betrayal in your head.
It is also believed that the requirement not to “look” should ensure exclusivity for spouses. The logic is something like this: now he (she) will only look at me and others will be “automatically” excluded. And that means he (she) will definitely want me and very much. No matter how he will waste his attention and his energy on others.
But this is actually not a fact. Far from a fact. And often, just the opposite.
This is guaranteed to work only if there is really no one else around. When both husband and wife are the only creatures of different sexes in this “matrimonial paradise”.
Why do I say this? But let’s think about it together.
Let us assume that a beloved and truly loving person will sincerely try to fulfill his partner’s demands. He won’t “look” anymore. OK. But he cannot exclude cases when sexually attractive people of the opposite sex will catch his eye.
Then, in order to fulfill the promise, he needs to somehow turn off, block the mechanism of romantic and sexual arousal to sexually attractive people of the opposite sex.
Let’s take into account that he was working before he met his soul mate. And it worked well. He was the one who helped me find my “soul mate”. but once the task is completed, then there is no longer any need for it. Looks like it’s time to turn it off. Logical.
And now a quick question: does anyone know how to turn off the mechanism of romantic and sexual arousal for sexually attractive people of the opposite sex?
And even more so, how to do it correctly? Are there any scientific studies? Methods grounded in theory and tested in practice? If yes, please let me know. I haven’t met it yet. Well, they certainly haven’t become part of the mass consciousness.
In general, there is a requirement, but no methods. In general, cope, dear, somehow.
There is, of course, an unsubstantiated statement that if you truly love, then you no longer automatically react to others. Neither romantically nor sexually…
Yes. Perhaps… But this is not true for all people, but only for the so-called. monogamous people And, alas, there are not very many of them.
But here, in parallel, another question arises, even more global: who knows exactly what it means to love? And what is true love? Is this how the verification happens? Your mechanism of romantic and sexual arousal to sexually attractive people of the opposite sex has automatically turned off, which means it’s love! If you don’t switch off, that means it’s not love. And something else… Is this really true?
And another question for him: are all people capable of loving only one? Or are they simply obliged to love only one for some reason? Why exactly? It might hurt someone else. Agree. But love can arise spontaneously… And it seems that because of this contradiction the so-called love arose. polyamory. Which, in principle, proceed from the fact that true love can be for several people at the same time. I emphasize, love, not sex, but love. Imagine, they somehow manage to love several people at the same time.
Well, in my life I have seen many times how one person is in love with two people and is torn between these two people and feelings.
So the question has become more complicated, but remains: what then should the other, numerous “multiple lovers” do? We must somehow turn off the mechanism of romantic and sexual arousal to sexually attractive people of the opposite sex! Otherwise, you’ll get hit in the head. Because you love as it should, as it is right. For monogamous people.
To summarize, not everyone automatically turns off romantic and sexual interest in others. And in most cases, love is not a guarantee that it will somehow work out on its own. But let me remind you, there are no methods…
But the situation is even worse.
Why?
Well, if no one really knows how to turn off this mechanism, then how can a person cope with a task that is even more difficult?! After all, in essence, you need to not just turn off the mechanism of romantic and sexual response, but turn it off only locally! Turn off for everyone except the wife (husband). But leave it to the wife (husband).
Wow!
But many spouses don’t even stop there. They want everyone else to “turn off”, and for them, their loved ones, the reaction to be as strong as possible. Do you understand?! On others, no, no, but super-desire for your partner!
Has anyone heard of such methods of selective impotence in combination with selective potency? I didn’t hear it either. And it seems they should be promoted on every corner…
There is only one “recommendation”: if you love, then you should! Just take it and do it…
What is the result?
After prolonged attempts to locally turn off his mechanism of responding to the romantic and (or) sexual attractiveness of people around him, the partner, at the very least, achieves results! Hooray!
Alas, but most often it is a Pyrrhic victory. As a rule, it turns off the mechanism completely, that is, the whole thing. He is no longer aroused by persons of the opposite sex. But, alas, that’s all. Including my beloved wife (husband)…
In general, what were they fighting for…
That seems to be all there is to it, but there are a couple more interesting nuances. So, after “turning off”, the calmest thing is in those married couples where both have completely turned off the mechanism. Sex died out for them, and God bless him.
The main thing is that you don’t need to worry about cheating. Everything is as secure as in a Swiss bank. Both are asexual. Sometimes something moves down there, but it doesn’t bother me much anymore. And they will live happily ever after… Probably. Well, until for some reason someone’s mechanism spontaneously turns on again. At some stage of hormonal and personality changes.
But there is an option when for one everything turned off completely, efficiently and reliably, and the other turned out to be a real monogamous person. He did not turn off his mechanism. Why does he need it? He will naturally love and want only one partner… Now the partner was not by nature a monogamist, but for reasons of marital fidelity he turned off everything… And he is not attracted to sex with his soul mate. And the other half is attracted… Do you catch the drama of the moment?!
And there may also be this option: one of the partners decided that the strength of love for him is measured by the strength of sexual attraction, but at the same time demanded total fidelity. The partner complied with the requirement and completely silenced himself. And as a result, thrash begins. The partner begins to become hysterical: if you don’t want me often and passionately, that means you don’t love me very much, that means you’re looking to the left. Oh, horror, horror!!!