Killing 2 Prompts With One Story

or something like that…

Okay so I was prompted by Elle McIntosh weeks ago — sorry so late Elle — and recently by Krystal Bukowska.

Elle’s prompt is: Ten things I never want to do before they burn me at the stake.

I s’pose I’d really like to know who “they” are, first off? Who are we up against here? Zombies? Aliens? Trained assassins? Social justice warriors?

And why such a cruel fate? What have you done to deserve all this Elle? What kind of trouble are you in? And more importantly: why are you dragging me into it when someone like Smillew Rahcuef is available? He’s a fully grown adult man who still wears skinny jeans. Ann James will confirm this.

And if I’m going to be burned alive at the stake, I think we can both agree that consuming myself with any other thoughts outside of being burned at that stake is a pretty tall order, yeah?

It’s not even my slow and agonizing death at this hypothetical stake that’s troubling me at the moment. What I’m stuck on is your demand that I offer a creative and clever list of other horrifying fates I wish to avoid before being burned alive at this stake.

I used to think you were a nice person.

And Krystal’s prompt asks the following questions:

1. What book would you write if it was guaranteed to be a best seller?
2. What book would you take on a forced exile to a deserted island?
3. Who is the best songwriter on this green earth?
4. Without revealing your magic, how do you get your writing ideas?
5. You’re at a writer’s party outside time and death — which writers are you hanging with?

I’ll start with #4…

The trick to being a good writer is to almost go mad, but not quite. You need just enough madness to fuel your creativity and just enough sanity remaining to be able to look back on the madness and make some sense of it.

It’s a delicate balance, only achievable in fits and spurts. It’s always in flux. The writer’s challenge is to stay alive in the meantime, and to not kill anyone else.

(*I’d not want to kill anyone else before being burned alive at the stake. In particular I’d not want to be one of those drunk drivers that enthusiastically offers to drive a group of friends home from a party or something and then falls asleep at the wheel…leaving everyone dead except them…

There’d be the terrible guilt to deal with, sure. But even worse there’d be those obnoxious family members to face, the ones with the tears and the quivering chins who insist on addressing you in court with windy prepared statements. “You took my little brother from us…and changed our lives forever!”*)

#3. The best songwriter on earth is…

Krystal says it’s Ryan Adams…

Now, I’m not familiar with Ryan Adams, and I initially confused him with Bryan Adams, the uber-cheesy 90’s balladeer.

I was in the process of unfollowing Krystal when a little voice told me to look that up for clarity. And I’m glad I did, because I’m very fond of you Krystal.

(*One thing I’d never want to do before being burned at the stake is to get burned at a different stake while listening to Bryan Adams*)

The best songwriter ever? Fuckin’ hell, I dunno. Noel Gallagher is great. John Lennon wrote some classics. There’s a guy named Bob Dylan that many of you have heard of I’m sure. Eminem maybe. Tom Waits…

#5. Who am I selecting to attend my writer’s party…

I don’t really like parties, and I’m suspicious of anyone who is too eager to attend them. So the people attending my party are basically people who wouldn’t want to be there to begin with, and even in a hypothetical scenario I feel a bit bad about forcing them to attend.

But I’ll play ball here…

If it were possible to clone myself, I’d create 10 or 11 new Knittel’s and invite them all.

I prefer myself. I have to be honest.

I’d approach all of them individually and apologize for making them come. And then after drinks I’d offer to take them all home and eventually crash, killing all the Knittel’s except me. And in court I’d be forced to listen to a dozen Mrs. Knittel’s tell me, in between sobs, how I ruined their lives by recklessly killing their sons. “While it’s true that Mike was a bit slow and was never quite sure when “i” preceded “e” and vice versa, he was an enthusiastic writer and, well…he was my son.”

(*One thing I’d not want to do before being burned at the stake is attend any party where there’s a bunch of people who really like attending parties there*)

#1. What book would I write if it was a guaranteed best seller?

It would be the one I’m attempting now, which is sort of a novelized memoir in the style of Ben Human’s ‘I Love You, We Said’, (Go buy it on amazon! Great book.) where I write about stuff I’d never write about here for fear of being baker-acted immediately by my friend Gemma Lee.

(*One thing I’d not want to do before being burned at the stake is lose my ability to control my limbs, and therefore my ability to write. Seriously. Things like MS and Parkinsons run in the family and it’s a great fear of mine.)

#2. What book would I take if I was exiled to a desert island?

One that spoke sparingly of water and food. And one that offered survival tips.

(*One thing I’d not want to endure before being burned at the stake is exile on a desert island*)

Five more things I’d not want to do before being burned at the stake:

1. I’d not want to get on the bad side of Alison (Celtic Chameleon)
2. I’d not want my biopic to be shown after Rachel A Fefer’s.
3. I’d not want to live in a world where flushable wipes did not exist.

Well, three will have to do.

Shout out to Krystal and Elle McIntosh for thinking of me. Go read them.

I nominate Grimsby Hackney to take the torch here…

***

Please consider supporting me here. Many thanks: https://ko-fi.com/mikeknittel83646