Mind Your Business

Killer Confessions From a Co-Worker

Silent but Deadly!

I worked with a man (more like a boy) named “Bill”. He preferred gossiping to avoid work. So he liked to engage in lots of small talk in our cubicle.

He made a big deal of it. Initiating group discussions about the most mundane things.

“Which yogourt do you prefer?”

Instead of shouting “Who gives a damn?!”, I responded with a more civilized, “Whatever’s on sale.”

“But what kind do you like best?” He persisted.

Who cares????? I thought.

Then the subsequent “What did you get up to this weekend?” turned into a “show and tell.”

It was so embarrassing and annoying. It worsened when Bill realized he could make this a DAILY ritual.

“What did you get up to last night?” he’d ask when we all were there, and it became like a scheduled meeting. I wish we could avoid this daily exchange of pleasantries and get to work in peace.

One day Bill began giving me the silent treatment.

I worried that maybe I’d gone a little too far by flippantly stealing his thunder at yesterday’s morning “round-table”.

I had sarcastically remarked, “Lemme guess — you went to that new West end club with the sick fog and hookah pipes dangling from the ceiling?” (knowing full well he probably had). “I heard the lineups there are just for show!”

I was surprised however, when he remained silent as the other teammates filed in. He barely said hello. How silent? I could actually hear the plants grow, and my own thoughts — which were focused on quitting time. Something was definitely amiss. At least I didn’t take it personally anymore.

Then suspicious activity began occurring.

Some colleagues came up to Bill’s desk with concerned looks and whispered. This continued throughout the day.

I asked, “Is everything okay Bill?”

“Yes, fine!” he smiled back.

The next day the same routine persisted.

What the hell was going on?

And the following days it continued.

I began to suspect:

· Maybe HE was the one who broke the photocopier by trying to xerox thick body parts?

· Did HE get caught stealing those subpar coffee packets that went missing?

· Perhaps he bought himself an office-clad sex doll on the company credit card and the boss just discovered the charge?

· So many possibilities ran through my head…

Finally, one of the visitors to Bill’s desk whispered louder than the others. And I heard the word “police”.

So I googled Bill’s full name and “police” and up popped the most grotesque story. One of those murder-suicide calamities involving Bill’s family overseas. OMG!!!!!!

I imagined how he’d bring this up, “Yo, you know any good family member murder-suicide stories we could swap?”

I kept my mouth shut, waiting for him to make the first move.

A couple of weeks later, with the quiet routine continuing the same way, another cubicle mate innocently asked if we had plans for the weekend. Bill finally admitted, “I have to go to a memorial service. Not sure if you heard, but my family suffered a tragedy recently.”

When he was done, I expressed my condolences and asked, “Why didn’t you let us know earlier? I wondered why you weren’t yourself and we talk about everything, so we could have been a support for you.”

“Whoa!” he said awkwardly. “I’m okay. I even came to work the day after.”

To each his own. I know we grieve differently but yikes!

The next week, Bill settled right back into his normal routine.

“Can’t wait until everyone gets in so we can all talk about what everyone got up to last night!” he announced gleefully. “By the way Shirley, did you know that they’re having a sale on the yogourt you like at the supermarket in the mall?”

Maybe I need to be more careful what I wish for!

Thank you to brilliant https://medium.com/doctor-funny editor: Kristine Laco

Thank you for reading my story.

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