Keep Your ‘if’

Just give the apology

I’m sorry if____

I don’t know about you, but I tend to stop listening after hearing these words.

Is there a worse way to start amends? I know for a fact there are better options without question.

Has anyone ever given you an apology so awful you wish they hadn’t tried? An apology so off base and tone-deaf you’ve wondered how they made it this far in life?

Have you given this type of apology?

I’ve been on the receiving end of far too many I’m sorry if apologies, and to say the relationships tanked afterward would be accurate. There are so many words available — ‘if’ has no place in an apology.

Since I continue to witness people give awful apologies, I’ve decided there must be a new wave of misinformation regarding the act of taking ownership of a mistake. Perhaps, there needs to be a reintroduction on how to say I’m sorry.

Here are three tips I’ve found work wonders when giving an apology:

1. Own it

Often when we find ourselves in a situation where we’ve made a mistake, offended someone, or put our foot in our mouths, we’re embarrassed. Sometimes, we may even feel defensive because our intentions weren’t to cause harm. As valid as this may be, it doesn’t take away from the fact we did so anyway.

A fundamental step in delivering a sincere apology is owning the mistake we’ve made. The transgression is in the past; it’s over and done. The best thing we can do moving forward is taking accountability. I know, big word — big heavy word.

Some of the worst apologies, or as I like to call them, non-apologies I hear, are from people who try to place blame elsewhere or deflect attention from themselves. As if they played no part in the wrongdoing.

You don’t have to look far to find examples of people who evade answerability these days. Turn your TV to any news outlet. You’ll see plenty of excuses and deflections from our nation’s leaders.

Be better than most politicians, and own your faults.

Lucky for you, the phrase I’m sorry, already identifies who’s at fault. A lot of times, you can stop here and know you’ve taken responsibility.

2. Empathy

Sometimes we have a hard time apologizing because we only see the situation from our perspective. We become wrapped up in how we feel about things and ignore the other party’s feelings.

When this happens, you often give lackluster apologies or don’t make an effort at all. Empathy plays a vital role in delivering amends. Try putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and looking at the situation from their point of view.

By stepping outside of yourself and considering the person’s perspective, you open your mind to the possibility of viewing the dilemma from a new angle.

There’s a chance you still don’t feel like you’re in the wrong. Still, perhaps by understanding why the other party is offended or hurt, you’ll want to rectify the situation despite it anyway.

“I think we all have empathy. We may not have enough courage to display it.” — Maya Angelou.

3. No ‘ifs’

When you apologize, you should have a clear understanding of why you’re doing so. Leave any doubts out of your attempt at atonement.

Words like ‘if’ and ‘maybe’ do not add value to apologies; they distract and diminish the attempt. The uncertainty of the words alone suggests you don’t know why you’re making an effort at all.

I’m sorry, maybe I was wrong.

I’m sorry if I made you feel this way.

Writer Kelsey Borresen explores the damaging effects these types of apologies deliver in her article, If You Say This During An Apology, You’re Doing It Wrong.

“By using the word ‘if,’ you are communicating that the problem isn’t really about what you did, but is about how the person reacted to what you did instead.”

No one wants an insincere apology, and when you use words of doubt, that’s how your message will land.

The person you’ve offended isn’t confused about if you’ve displeased them; they’re sure. Your apology should be just as grounded in absolutes.

Try apologizing to yourself in the mirror and using ‘if’ or ‘maybe.’ See how the declaration makes you feel. I’d guess not so great.

“Pride and ego makes a mockery of an apology. Humility wins forgiveness without question…so break ‘yo’self’!” — T. F. Hodge.

Whenever you do something in life, it means more when you do it with purpose. Keep your best possible objective in mind and go after it with energy.

Try not to look at apologizing as the end of the world. Instead, think of it as an opportunity for a new beginning.

It’s far less painful to move forward with someone who’s wronged you if they’ve given a sincere apology versus someone who’s tossed you minimal effort and still missed the mark.

For the love of all seven hundred plus words of the blog, please stop using ‘if’ in your apologies; you’re killing me.