5 Proven Methods to Make People Avoid YOU.

Be a social distancing hero in your community!

Social distancing is important. I can help.

Although I could put all this into an expensive e-book, I have decided to do the right thing and give away my secrets for free.

Observe how I prepare to go out to shop at our local supermarket. Would you willingly go near me? I would say not!

#1. Grooming is the secret of real elegance

This is not a simple look to achieve. First, note the hair. This hairstyle takes planning and deft execution. The trick is this: when you roll out of bed on a shopping day, do nothing. No shower, no combing, no brushing. Leave everything as it is. You can shower when you return or develop the habit of showering just before bed. Slightly damp hair when retiring does wonders for an interesting morning hair style. That is my preferred method.

My Abe Lincoln beard is more than it may appear to a casual glance. It is just long enough to peek out from the mask. A more careless person might have pulled the mask downward. I avoid that, but also notice that part of the beard is trimmed short and the rest is longer. Details like this matter! A useful trick is to stop neatening facial hair several days prior to planned shopping.

#2. The eyes are the windows of the soul

Tilted eyeglasses can be quite disturbing. By themselves, they might evoke a distracted professor, too lost in thought to bother. When combined with our SDPG (Social Distancing Protective Gear), the tilt takes on a different meaning. It’s odd, and odd is threatening.

But my eyeglasses only look tilted. Actually, they are straight. Look again: one eyelid is lower than the other. Anyone who looks closely enough will see that, if only subconsciously, and they will shudder.

Women should do something with eyeliner instead. Thickly and carelessly applied is best. Other than that, you should wear no makeup. It’s a startling look, which is precisely our goal.

#3. Doctors save lives

I was fortunate enough to have a small nerve issue that caused droop, but you can accomplish the same look with Botox. Doctors who can provide Botox are probably not very busy right now, so it should be easy to obtain.

Should the doctor object to this off-label use, remind them of their Hippocratic Oath. Even plastic surgeons have a duty of care.

#4. Every day is a fashion statement

You may have overlooked my layered clothing. What you don’t know is that the weather was unseasonably warm on this day. Had it been cold, I would have worn only a torn T-shirt. Inappropriate clothing is effective, but do not take it so far that you risk arrest for indecent exposure. I have made that error; it works very well, but it is not worth the trouble it can cause.

When choosing clothing, be creative. Scour your closet for clashing colors and large stains. Have you lost or gained weight? Ill fitting is perfect for our dangerous look. Rips are also wonderful, but don’t make the rookie mistake of trying to rip something now. Trust me, it will not pass muster as trained eyes will spot your deception instantly.

#5. The mask makes the man but you must always let your personality shine through

The double mask I wear is actually tripled. There is tissue paper within. This is a detail that is hard to notice, but it muffles your voice more than the masks do. With this extra touch, your incessant low muttering is much more upsetting. Also (and this is very subtle) that you know it is tripled affects your mental attitude and this does show through in your demeanor. People will notice that even if they do not notice your muttering or the tissue!

All of this costuming has had the desired result. People keep their distance. I am more safe from infection. You may scoff and say “Of course! Everyone keeps their distance now!”, but you are incorrect because I have evidence.

I have always shopped this way and people have always kept their distance. My disheveled and off-putting look comes naturally to me. I may have polished the details now to increase effectiveness in these troubled times, but I have always been a bit sloppy about appearances. You can call it laziness; I call it independence, not caring what others may think. Well, at least not for 7:00 A.M. shopping and certainly not now when my appearance has become a very important deterrent.

A hero is someone who does what must be done, and needs no other reason.

Please do not concern yourself with embarrassment. You are actually a hero, a model for others to follow. That’s how I think of myself: not only am I protecting myself, but I am protecting others also. Everyone I encounter will think more carefully about crowding in to get at that last can of beans lest they are suddenly confronted with the wild eyes of someone like me!

Please do share your pictures of your own preparations. Perhaps we can learn from each other and survive this frightful pandemic.