A story of love and deceit.

K OS

Chaos was his name.

Chaos was his name.

His game was unraveling the wall methodically. It was a very large wall.

Took her 5 years to build it. This barricade was forged with strength and emotive grout. She labored to erect a fortress to protect her from the anguish of love lost. It was her pride and joy.

She did not need anyone to embrace.

She felt impenetrable, secure, safe.

The structure was disassembled by him with ease. Brick by brick. Emotional bricks were removed gently. His hands were steady and self-assured. His mind was astute and his voice soft. His physicality was unparalleled. He knew it. I believe he must have had a Ph.D. in manipulation.

July 2018. David Bowie is. The Brooklyn Museum. It was an odd first meeting.

This museum held documentation of artistic renderings of David Bowie. Here, the personal archive explored the mind and emotion of this magnificent artist. Bowie consistently re-invented both himself and his expressions. His iconic style, music, identity, and characterizations made this a truly unique event filled with wisdom and grace. David Bowie is had been touring globally for years and was taking its final bow at the Brooklyn Museum.

The power of David Bowie is created a vacuum for singles to interact. It was a Sunday evening when she was glancing on the multimedia screen at the handwritten lyric creations of Mr. Bowie. A tall, well-built man came beside her and just started reading lyrics out loud. He looked as if he had just come from the gym- sweaty, disheveled clothing and hair. The blue and orange rimmed glasses are what caught her naked eye. His voice was strong and deep, like a radio announcer she once heard on bbox radio in Brooklyn.

“Love You Till Tuesday”

“Just look through your window, look who sits outside Little me is waiting, standing through the night When you’ll walk out through your door I’ll wave my flag and shout

Oh, beautiful baby My burning desire started on Sunday Give me your heart and I’ll love you till Tuesday”

David Bowie

While reading the last line, he turned toward her with quiet confidence. She smiled but moved forward. No need to bother with some random Bowie fan. He moved up beside her and said,“ I know you heard me, according to Bowie we only have until Tuesday.” She laughed and replied, “ Did you know Bowie wrote most of his own lyrics?” He responded, “Bowie also had a remarkable quote.” “Your albums often reflect the place where they were written and recorded.”……. “We should begin our own personal album here tonight.”

And so it began. Creative pick-up line, she thought. They walked methodically through approximately 400 objects. Original costumes, album art, video clips, many detailing David Bowie’s teenage years in England. The rendition included his last twenty years of life where New York City was his home.

Kali was his name. Kali Osbourne. KOS. Of course, it was not until much later, (3 years to be exact), that she discovered this first name was of Indian origin. It literally refers to the Hindu Warrior Goddess of Destruction. Befitting, as he had many sides — both male and female. Destruction, yes, she would passionately agree.

We all have had a past with baggage, hurt, torment, love, joy, and promises. Many of us learn to deal with and not carry the painful experiences forward. Kali, although outwardly strong, had a rogue side. He kept his bags very close to his heart. She was made aware of that heavy suitcase by chance. Three years into her relationship journey, when she embarked off the “A-Train” the lock on his baggage opened. He had no clue he had lost his key.

Her adult relations were relatively physical, not emotional. She embraced the comfort of kind physical touch. Passionate emotion was void. It worked for her. She selfishly attained her needs and gave what she chose to give. Most men could care less, so both were left satisfied and unencumbered.

Kali was distinctive in his physical needs, they were secondary. He concentrated on actual submersion into intimate feelings. It was odd. Prediction of his thought process was barren. Her critical thinking process did not work very well in this regard — it was the polar opposite. That was her first weakness. You see, her emotional well-being was made unwrapped and raw.

Coffee shops, browsing the city, an antique flea here and there, and before you know it — she had a “boyfriend.” He would describe her as “his muse” to friends and family and the title was quite enjoyed. He was very abstract in his thinking, she was much more practical. Balance, or so one was inclined to believe.

Relationships are intensely complicated. The physical aspects and emotional loyalty all have their space. It is sort of like a constant chess game. Black and white. Who is a pawn today or a queen? Most days she was a rook…hopping over a few and moving to the side. It was a comfortable space to be in. As time progressed though, her emotions got sloppy. She wandered into both the black and white spaces of that chessboard. She wasn’t being protective of herself. The king in the corner ruled the board.

After about 2 years in, it was quite a while, she noticed his “friendships” with people sort of took a turn. It was subtle. Longer hugs with colleagues, extensive texting, more time away — weekend “work” trips. Questions were asked, but all were placated away. She was in too deep by this time to stop for more than a beat or two. Life was all too lyrical, why question?

In May of 2020, Giovanni, a friend of the couple, left his wife. He was distraught and stayed with Kali to “get it together.” Apparently his mate, Julie was cheating on him, had been for years, and he couldn’t reconcile with her. Life happens she thought. They will support him. They consoled, cooked, shopped…retail therapy always works. Over six months she introduced Gio to a few friends, but nothing much worked out for him. He was a curious fellow.

It was a blustery morning when she got off the “A train” — a bullet express line in Manhattan. Plodding through the slush into a local Starbucks on 181st Street, she craved that long-awaited hot latte. In retrospect, it was like the movie Ground Hog Day with Bill Murray as the trek had been done on many a day. On this day though…..she saw Julie. They embraced and after awkward greetings sat together on a tilted window seat. The window in the forefront was covered with frost and although busy, an eerie calm was in the air. The regret for not contacting each other after the breakup was evident and swift. They missed one another and reconnected quickly with casual work conversations. When the “breakup” conversation came around, the tone changed.

It was just an awkward situation. When the strain was mentioned Julie replied, “Yes, very awkward. How did you find out?” She responded that Gio had said the physical relationship had waned and you had moved on.” She was direct and careful to be non-judgmental in her speech.

Julie laughed. “Omg, really. OMG.” She paused and swallowed hard. Julie replied, “ You are STILL with Kali!” “Yes, why?”, she replied. Julie got up swiftly and went to the restroom.

She checked her watch a half dozen times. Julie returned. Grabbing both of her hands abruptly Julie stared at her through tear-filled glasses and announced softly… “They are gay.” “WTF are you saying?”, she replied.

In the following months, she came to the slow realization that in life it may be extremely difficult for people to be their authentic selves. Bi, Straight, Trans, Gay, Lesbian, Questionable, etc….She tried very much not to be judgmental.

The specific issues of him admitting he was hiding behind her were quite painful. He didn’t choose her, he loved Gio. She thought she knew him — that was the difficult part. The secret lover uprooted her trust.

In hindsight, the lack of physical touch and emotional dependence he bestowed on her made sense. He needed to be uplifted in a specific sensitive way from her. Sexuality was a tiny component of their pattern. Being with him for years had changed her inner dynamic. The emotional side became dominant, the physical secondary. That was against her own nature. She let him take her walls and she felt barren.

His game was only for him to play. It did not include her on any level. Agreed, sometimes that duality of love may truly exist — this time not so. The exposure of their hidden secrets as lovers freed them to move forward together. Their relief was evident. Working with her through it was not an option.

Had he told her honestly she would have reconciled with it. The deception was the issue that came into place. The relationship could have been salvaged in a different form. She loved them both deeply.

She had realized her physical nature had morphed into an emotional state. She couldn’t reconcile being used as that pawn. She was just a play piece and not his queen. She was left without even a friendship with them. They reacted to her with remorse, but not love or friendship. For all the previous emotions shown, he was devoid of feeling for her. It was an odd scenario. Therapy beckoned her immediate future.

Her love for him did not end. The relationship did.

Not all cultures view sexuality/gender identity in the same fashion.

“Gender identity is defined as one’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both or neither. It is how individuals perceive themselves and what they call themselves. One’s gender identity can be the same or different from their sex assigned at birth, according to The Human Rights Campaign.” Madison Manson

“Categorizing children at birth into the binary categories of female or male is common cross-culturally. But there is also substantial variation across cultures, both in the number of gender categories and in the tolerance of switching categories. This module first explores variation in gender concepts, then turns to what we know from cross-cultural research about gender differences in the division of labor, political and warrior roles, and the relative status of women and men in society.” https://hraf.yale.edu/ehc/summaries/gender

“The Native American belief is that some people are born with the spirits of both genders and express them so perfectly. It is if they have two spirits in one body. Some Siouan tribes believed that before a child is born its soul stands before The Creator, to either reach for the bow and arrows that would indicate the role of a man or the basket that would determine the role of a female. When the child would reach for the gender-corresponding hand, sometimes The Creator would switch hands and the child would have chosen the opposite gender’s role and therefore casting its lot in life.” Duane Brayboy. https://indiancountrytoday.com/author/duane-brayboy

In a fluid movement across the globe many countries ( too many to list) offer a third gender option on official forms. As of June 30, 2021, the United States has added a 3rd gender option to their passports.

“Secretary of State Antony Blinken announced the changes as “further steps toward ensuring the fair treatment of LGBTQI+ U.S. citizens, regardless of their gender or sex.” The moves will also fulfill a Biden campaign promise.” https://www.npr.org/2021/06/30/1011866915/u-s-will-add-an-option-other-than-male-or-female-on-passports

In addition, scientists are now finding more evidence to suggest that even biological sex is a spectrum. Quite a fascinating time in research and human development. Future years will manifest discovery, challenge, and change.

The journey is for the individual, not for others to judge.

The emotional walls we put before us are not gender-related. The substance of the brick is all emotion. It is clearly the truth that is the mortar. You see in a personal relationship- when you think you “know” someone — honesty is undisguised. Authenticity is soul work. The spirit evolves. All have the pursuit.

Gio and Kali had been lovers for years. In this particular instance, she was just a front. Plastic covering once unfolded dumped in the trash. He wanted nothing more to do with her, yet he had created a metamorphosis within her. Emotion overtook the physical dynamic of who she thought she was. She, too, needed to reach forward to find her authentic self. A life of balance and peace.

“Tomorrow belongs to those who can hear it coming.” — David Bowie

I wish you peace, love, and all that hippie shit. ( It is good to have an edge)

I do drink coffee lots of it. All kinds, any kind. My new love is cortado- simple elegance. If you choose to you may — Buy me a coffee?

If you choose not to buy me a coffee, please remember to clap fifty (50) times. Just hold down that little finger…I could use the inspiration. Thanks.

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