Just Waiting on a Decision

And it is I who must make it

When decisions are not made windows cannot open. Wanting or needing something will not move things forward. One must ultimately make a decision.

For instance, wanting to retire is not going to make it happen but making a decision to retire will set things in motion. Decisions go out into the infinite field of infinite possibilities to bring forth what is needed for the decision to come to fruition.

It may take some time but the universe will be working on it.

Yes, I have been wanting to retire. I have also been wanting to move (geographically). But I have yet to make a firm decision about either desire. I have been vacillating between options, weighing pros and cons, and utilizing that insidious brain disease known as logic. I have been teetering on the edge of the decision cliff, unable to jump.

And I know that I have to jump before anything happens! Obviously I am still questioning my desires and thereby rendering decision making far more difficult than it should be.

To society retirement means the cessation of employment and career in one’s sunset years. For me, though, employment and career are two different things. Employment is something I begrudgingly do simply for the sake of keeping a roof over my head. Career is something I do because I’m an addict.

I have been writing for half a century. Sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to stop all writing; to retire from it. There are so many other things that I could be doing instead of writing, like gardening or traveling or hiking or just plain living. Life could be so much more fulfilling and exciting and fun. Surely I would be joyous and feel like I am free.

Of course, giving up cigarettes is easy peasy compared to giving up writing. Like I said, I’m a life-long addict. I know that for the sake of my health I am going to have to give it up someday but I’m just not ready to make that decision.

So I am thinking of making a half-assed decision. I’ll retire from employment but not from career — not yet anyway. But I know that when one makes half-assed decisions one gets half-assed results. Maybe it’s best to go all or nothing.

As for my geographic conundrum, that is not really a conundrum at all. I know where I want to go. But I’m waiting on that decision because I am tying it to my retirement decision. For some reason I feel I need to make both decisions simultaneously.

So meanwhile nothing happens.

But I am getting dangerously close (joyously close) to finally making some decisions. I am getting close to opening some windows and making things happen.

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