Just Keep Communicating Like You Did When You First Met

Work on Your Communication Like Your Relationship Depends On It

When I first met my wife, our communication with one another was unsustainable. We talked on the phone all day, every day. Honestly, most of our conversations lasted upwards of 18 hours. We sacrificed sleep and work just to stay on the phone. In fact, we often feel asleep on the phone with one another.

When I was a teen, I had a plastic fan that did not have the face covering on it. Invariably, I would be on the phone, dozing off, speaking to my high school girlfriend and would awaken to either a loud, fast beeping noise one gets when they leave the phone off the hook for lengthy periods of time. Or I would be rudely awaken by accidently sticking my finger into the fan. Ouch! But, I was 17 and 18 then.

I met my wife in 2014, so we both were well into our adulthood. I told her I was not able to stay up into the early morning hours talking on the phone. The thing is, we had so much to discuss. Sixteen hours. Seventeen hours. Eighteen hours on the phone.

It had gotten so bad, I actually had to take a one-year sabbatical from my graduate studies. I was finishing my second master’s degree when we happened upon each other. The curriculum was absolutely brutal and no grade below a B was acceptable and certainly not transferrable. Our phone habits interrupted our professional lives, but it led us down the aisle in a relatively short period of time.

Fast forward seven and a half years to today and now, we hardly talk with one another. We sit in our living room together and gaze at our phones spending the hours we used to spend together, on social media sites. It’s a fractured existence and we must both seek a solution.

Casanova Days

I took an examination of relationships a long time ago after I had gotten through my Casanova days. I reflected upon the many relationships in which I had been involved and set out to dissect what worked and what didn’t work — and why.

What I discovered is a realization every couple faces at one point or another in their lives together. In many instances, they simply aren’t equally yoked. While men won’t verbalize this, most guys ask themselves this question about their partner, “What does she bring to the table?” That’s a very unfortunate question because the premise to the question is, ‘the guy is bringing the lion’s share into the relationship.’

Yet, not all relationships favor the male. And I must apologize right now. I can only speak to the heterosexual relationship standpoint, but I imagine all identities may subscribe to the same thought-process. Sometimes, the male is more in love with the woman.

In those instances, she may end up not only taking advantage of the situation, but often times, in the end, she may wind up breaking his heart. In those instances, he may turn to stalking her in an unjustified attempt to gain affection.

In other situations, the female loves the male more and the guy invariable leaves her for someone else. This creates what is commonly referred to as ‘damaged goods.’

It doesn’t have to be this way.

The wonderful, incredible part of life is sharing your joy and success and sorrows with someone you love and with someone who loves you. We’ve all taken a very similar road — the road which led to the development of a relationship. They all have one thing in common. Those initial hours of communication.

A person couldn’t possibly expect there to be growth without taking care of the communication. I often say to my wife, “The quality of our relationship is defined by the content of our communication.” If we take care to reestablish the lines of communication that initially brought us together, I am confident we can better care for the quality of our relationship.

Once you have love, it doesn’t take much to keep everything going smoothly, but you have to communicate — effectively.

My wife and I certainly do not speak on the phone like we did seven and a half years ago, but we are working diligently to ensure we have quality communication.

Examine how you communicate with your partner if there are challenges. Often times, you can find the source of many issues and slowly begin to regain the joy you once shared.

Make an effort to engage through conversational dialogue, where one person talks and the other person listens. If you just communicate the way you did when you first met, you will find your relational rainbow.

About the author

Julius Evans has a Master of Arts degree in National Security and Strategic Studies from the U.S. Naval War College, Newport, RI; a Master of Arts degree in Strategic Communication and Leadership from Seton Hall University, South Orange, NJ; a Bachelor of Science degree in Mass Communication and Journalism from City University, Bellevue, WA and an Associate of Arts degree in Liberal Studies from Central Texas College, Killeen, Texas.

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