“Just Doing It” Always Was the Hardest Part.

Best ideas on home workout routines can be just as useless as a brand-new Peloton that dries your underwear.

Sawubona.

Since the beginning of my direct experience with our Conditions (March 11th) after returning from a long trip in Africa, I’ve watched the airways-all of them- fill with rather unnecessarily emphatic advice about staying in shape.

Boy if there was ever a time..Get your beach body on….All the things you can do RIGHT NOW and the like.

Will you fitness gurus just kindly take a BREATH.

Look. I recognize a great deal of this is likely a combination of deep denial, distraction from what scares us, and a dedicated attempt to push all of us into some kind of compliance with somebody’s wet dream of an entire America Pounding to the Oldies and carving canoes in the carpet as we run thousands of laps. Yah. This guy isn’t alone:

On one hand, those who are already committed to an exercise program likely are hanging in there. Elite athletes have to, for at some point they hope that in the New Normal (N2) they’ll still have some kind of role.

Others like me, who are active, after a short but lovely period of break-taking as well as finally breaking my chocolate almond indulgence (they’ve been banned, not eaten) are back to some kind of regular routine. Well, sort of. Nothing like normal, but activity nonetheless. It’s part of who we are, and to not move regularly would be a real problem. That would lead rapidly to depression. It isn’t just the extra ten (or more). It’s that exercise really does help our mental hygiene. To wit:

Chasing your annoying spouse around the kitchen island with a hot frying pan does indeed add up to effort, albeit I’m not sure it’s recommended. It depends on how that particular exercise set ends, with one of you in jail. Which might give you access to the weight room, but not much else that’s positive.

However if said effort ends up with both of you in bed, well. That’s another topic entirely.

You likely already know the value of exercise. You likely already know the importance of decent food (that’s another article). In all fairness, more impatient, pushy articles about either right now aren’t likely to inspire us to leap into a Whole Body Makeover. Not when a great many of us are, at best, treading water. At best.

It may simply not be the season.

Then there are invariably those of us for whom this years’ New Year’s Resolutions, already under considerable fire from force of habit, found themselves locked out of gyms, banned from popular trails, bike lanes and just about everywhere it might have been fun to suffer. Sort of. Kind of.

It’s really, really easy to kick those resolutions to the curb in situations like right now. And frankly, why not?

Plenty of folks somewhere in-between, but this is about good intentions.

But do we ALL have to get in top shape? Uh…no.

One of my favorite performance writers, Brad Stolberg, writes regularly for Outside Online. I love his simple, thoughtful, reasoned reporting. Above all, he specifically does not ascribe to fads, trends and idiocy like sunbathing your anus.

I cannot believe I just wrote that, but it is a thing. I have one hell of a sense of humor but that one…with my best tip of the arse to this monumental arsehole, otherwise known as Metaphysical Megan, put a fucking PLUG in it. Please. Both ends.

Lest you think I made that up just to be rude, no. It’s real:

Stulberg has informed a fair number of both my articles and my routines. About mid-February he published this very revealing bit of research:

For my part, this stood out for me:

The United States leads the world in spending for every segment, including fitness classes ($37 billion), sports and recreation ($58 billion), apparel and footwear ($117 billion), equipment and supplies ($37.5 billion), mindful movement, such as yoga ($10 billion), and related technology ($8.1 billion). And yet, according to the academic journal The Lancet, for all of this spending, we rank 143rd globally for actual participation in physical activity. (author bolded)

Stulberg lists a few excellent action points and links at the end of his article. I strongly recommend it. That’s if this is your thing. It is mine. As that relates to you, it’s meaningless, simply because, well, I’m not you.

Well, duh. But sometimes I think we honestly forget. By this I mean that there are thousands upon thousands of articles: LOOKITME I LOST A BILLION POUNDS, SO CAN YOU, DRINK FOUR GALLONS OF CELERY JUICE EVERY DAY AND HANG YOUR PENIS OUT THE WINDOW IN A SNOWSTORM. WORKED FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Look. First of all if you’re a dedicated fad follower, I might suggest you get used to the shape you’re in. Because fads, like fashion, are rarely based on solid science (see anus sunbathing, above). You may lose weight in the short term, but it will likely be back. My hand is WAY up here. If you follow the above advice I might suggest you not expect to have progeny.

Second, trying to force yourself to start what could be a joyful, positive step towards self-care in the middle of our Conditions, for some, is not likely to work. It might be a good distraction for a while. My guess? Once we find a new normal, like many distractions (as opposed to a lifestyle change) have a tendency to be discarded in our perfectly understandable rush to return to some semblance of normalcy.

Or you can go sunbathe your arsehole. Honestly.

I’m not going to bark at you about the shape you’re in. While it’s an unfortunate habit among some who show up on my adventures to sometimes rather badly overstate their physical abilities and their skills, you and I are probably pretty clear about where we really are physically.

We do know. And with respect to all the rah rah folks who like to dictate to us how out of shape we are, kindly, stuff an athletic sock in it.

But, not so hard that you can’t breathe while you do your one thousand pushups. Go for it. And here’s the piece: you’d be doing this anyway. Not just because we’re in quarantine, but it’s because it’s part of who you are. That doesn’t make it right for everyone else.

As a nation we are far more at ease watching others do the sports, watching others do the Tough Mudders. As many others have pointed out, being comfortable is killing us slowly. However, I am just as weary as the next guy from having self-appointed fitness gurus belabor me about “making the most of this time.”

How you’re using that time right how depends on a slew of situational issues. Living alone? I am. That sure as hell makes it lot easier for me to set my timer every twenty minutes and do my weights, kickboxing, etcetera. What perhaps annoys me is the compulsion of far too many to tell you and me and the backyard squirrel that we HAVE to do what they do without consideration for the nature of our living space, the number of people in it, the emotional conditions we may be in, and whether or not there is room in the living space to do all the energetic sweating that said fitness guru thinks we SHOULD do.

I like Stulburg’s stuff because it fits my lifestyle. I do work out, and when I don’t, I am subject to depression. Movement is my medicine, as is good food. Both are unique to me, my age, my body type, my personal preferences, and what makes me joyful. None of that has anything to do with you. Nor should it.

However, if my story about dumping 80+ pounds 33 years ago is an inspiration, in the sense that it can indeed be done, that’s great. How you do that is up to you. I will cheer lead,support, shriek hallelujah from the sidelines if you choose to get fitter. Healthier. When it works. I seriously doubt that right now is the perfect time. But that’s just me.

It may not be the right season.

It strikes me that trying to force-feed a brand-new exercise program when most of us are pretty stressed out might not be the best move. The words “comfort food” come to mind. If your mother’s meatloaf sustains you, and you can get the ingredients, cook up, and please pass me the catsup. I’m a Southerner. We’ll put catsup on ice cream. No. Really. You have no idea.

I include Stulberg’s latest here, part of which I’ll do when I’m damned good and ready. Maybe not. If it sounds like fun, if I enjoy it, I’ll add it to what I already do. For me it controls stress. For me it’s fun.

Here it is:

Yes. AND.

If this is not fun for you, don’t do it. If this is not the time for you, don’t do it. If this just isn’t who you are, please be kind enough to stop trying to pound the square peg that is you into a round hole that is someone else.

Because here’s the piece: Stulberg’s list of exercises is taped to my mantle right now. Been there for a while. Still haven’t done them. Because I have a routine that works for me, that’s fun for me, that I know I will do. Same as you. Am I dumb or stupid or an idiot for not leaping onto the Stulberg bandwagon?

Nope. No more than you are a schlub if you don’t choose to take on the ten-thousand-burpee-a-day challenge. LOOKATMEI’MNOTSTRESSEDOUT.

Um yeah. You kind of probably are. Like probably most, if not all of us.

I may not be a Christian in the formal sense, but I avail myself of certain biblical passages because of their exquisite wisdom and beauty. In this case, I’d like to offer something that is universally kind, particularly wise, and a terrific gift right now.

Ecclesiastes 3. 1–13:

1. To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
2. A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
3. A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7. A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8. A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
9. What profit hath he that worketh in that wherein he laboureth?
10. I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it.
11. He hath made every thing beautiful in his time: also he hath set the world in their heart, so that no man can find out the work that God maketh from the beginning to the end.
12. I know that there is no good in them, but for a man to rejoice, and to do good in his life.
13. And also that every man should eat and drink, and enjoy the good of all his labour, it is the gift of God.

Just do it was always and forever the hardest part of self-care. I’d like to extend a loving invitation to give ourselves permission to do whatever it takes to take care of ourselves, as we are, right here, right now.

There will be a time to take on an exercise program. Maybe. Maybe not.

But that’s for another season.