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Just Be More Relaxed?

More serenity is something that many people desire. Read here what is important and what you can do concretely.

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Do you also know people next to whom a bomb can hit and who still smile and remain completely calm? People who apparently nothing can shake!

Such people don’t panic and certainly don’t get upset about little things. They are confident and relaxed when dealing with problems and radiate inner security. What these people have is something that most of us lack: serenity.

The benefits of serenity

Don’t you wish you were more relaxed in your everyday life and at work? The idea of being calm and relaxed in order to avoid the pitfalls of everyday life is really attractive.

Serenity not only increases our quality of life but is also healthy because calm people are much less stressed. Calm people also make better decisions because they do not put themselves under pressure so quickly, but remain calm and thus do not make hasty decisions.

In addition, they are often more successful than others because they can look at their problems from a distance and more objectively and thus find more constructive and better solutions more quickly.

Serenity can be achieved!

But how is that practical with serenity? Is this an innate quality or can we learn to bring more peace into our lives? To a certain extent, the ability to achieve serenity depends on one’s personality and type, but serenity can also be learned and trained quite a bit.

Serenity is, besides personality, essentially a question of your basic attitude. To a large extent, it is about “a personal (life) philosophy”. But which attitudes help us to achieve more serenity?

A wise saying

Maybe you know the saying of Reinhold Niebuhr, which is also used in Alcoholics Anonymous.

“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, but wisdom to know the difference.”

In this saying the three main elements of serenity are found:

  1. To accept what cannot be changed!
  2. To change what can be changed!
  3. And to recognize what I must accept and what I can change!

But all this is not so easy!

Unfortunately, these three elements are among the most difficult of all. Most people can cope with an infinite number of things that annoy them, make them dissatisfied or unhappy — but which could be changed on closer inspection.

At the same time, they are not or hardly able to accept such things that really cannot be changed. So the one is really not so easy to distinguish from the other!

What we can influence is different for everyone

Our possibilities of influence are individually very different. Sometimes they are determined by our profession, our income, our contacts, etc. But also our inner attitudes and beliefs, our physical and mental energy, our knowledge, and our personal level of development play an important role.

In fact, we can all change much more of what is not good for us than most people think. We see ourselves far too quickly as victims or “playthings of fate” and miss our chances to shape our lives so that we are happy. But here, too, it is a matter of carefully choosing what needs to be changed — because none of us can change everything at once.

Ask yourself systematically:

  1. What is it that always upsets me?
  2. Can I influence that?
  • If not — who or what can influence it and how do I have to influence that?
  • If yes — what concretely can I do?

Such thoughts are best thought of in writing, and you should do this again and again because the answers to these questions can always change.

What we can simply assume

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” — Jon Kabat-Zinn

There are always a few things we have no influence on — at least not on the thing itself. These include for example:

  • the weather (don’t laugh — the weather is certainly one of the things that most people get almost permanently upset about!)
  • sudden death or accidents,
  • fixed decisions of other people, etc.

In such events, it is important to accept what is coming and make the best of it and learn to live with it.

The key to serenity

The key to serenity is a loving look at yourself and at everything around you. If you look at the world, the people, and yourself with a loving attitude, it is easier to be patient and also more relaxed.

It is all about inner trust, confidence, optimism, and the little word “yes”. It is about accepting what is coming, affirming life, seeing one’s own destiny as a task and not as a burden. Serenity comes from the love for life and for other people.

For all those who are looking for some “tangible” and practical advice in addition to such rather philosophical thoughts, I have here 5 tips for more serenity for you.

Tip #1: Never forget to breathe

As trivial as it may sound, but it is a serious tip: Whatever happens — always take a deep breath first. If we are under stress, if a situation is too much for us, if we are nervous or even anxious, our breathing goes fast and shallow.

By taking deep breaths, however, we can literally breathe away stress, tension, and even fear. Body reactions are responsible for our feelings — and by taking a deep breath you can show your body that the situation is “not so bad”.

By doing so you interrupt the normally unconscious and automatic process by which you become more and more tense and restless.

Why don’t you try this out right now? Breathe very fast and shallow for a short time, as if you were rushed or very scared. Pay attention to how you feel.

Then breathe calmly and deeply. Let your breath flow in and out consciously and count inwardly with each breath. How do you feel now?

Tip #2: Keep your distance and look at the situation from there

One reason why we often fail to remain calm and composed is that we are completely caught up in the action and now fight in panic against “sinking to avoid drowning”. We are then usually not even able to think at all, but only react and increase and even into a panic. This is why it is so important that we are able to take a step beside ourselves in such a situation.

Get used to shooting your eyes and seeing yourself in front of your own inner eye whenever you realize that you have lost your inner peace. Get the current situation and also the history of this situation in mind and observe yourself as you would observe another person. Then ask yourself what you would advise another person in this situation. Write down this answer immediately.

Firstly, this little exercise will break the circle of panic, and secondly, you will most likely be able to calm yourself with words of comfort or advice. Because you could give someone else a tip in almost any situation.

Tip #3: Four questions for all cases

A file card with the following questions can save your composure in any situation.

  1. What exactly is so bad/scary/stressful at the moment?
  2. What could happen to me or others in the worst case?
  3. How likely is that?
  4. What can I do now?

In every situation in which you have lost your composure, systematically answer these four questions. You will automatically turn on your head and then not only your feelings can prevail. You gain a little distance from the situation and either find solutions or realize that there is nothing you can do. Both are relieved.

Tip #4: Put things into a time frame

A situation in which we lose our composure seems particularly frightening or stressful because we experience it as dominating and filling everything in the current moment. It is very helpful to be aware of the time frame in which the event plays a role.

Always ask yourself this question:

  • What is the significance of this event in a year?
  • What significance will the event have in five years?
  • What significance will the event have in 20 years?

This is not to play down the importance of your feelings, but these questions will allow you to interrupt your current panic so that you can think “clearly” again.

Tip #5: Make it clear: nobody can know what something is good for

The last of these tips is to read the famous story from Dan Millman “the way of the peaceful warrior” and above all to internalize it. This very wise story makes it clear that none of us can know what a particular event is good for. What seems threatening today can turn out to be a stroke of luck tomorrow.

Nothing creates more serenity than to realize that our reaction to an event is a subjective evaluation, which can look completely different the next moment. Therefore, simply greet every situation and also your emotional reaction to it at first and think of the old man from history.

An old man lived together with his only son on a small farm. They had only one horse with which they could cultivate the fields and barely made ends meet.

One day the horse ran away. The people in the village came to the old man and shouted, “Oh, what a terrible misfortune!” But the old man replied in a calm voice, “Who knows…, who knows what it’s good for?”

A week later the horse came back and took a whole herd of beautiful wild horses to the paddock. Again the people from the village came: “What incredible luck!” But the old man said again, “Who knows… who knows what it’s good for?”

The next week, the son set out to break in one of the wild horses. But he was thrown off and broke his leg. Now the old man had to manage the fieldwork alone. And the people of the village said to him, “What a terrible misfortune!” The old man’s answer was again: “Who knows…, who knows what it is good for?”

In the next few days war broke out with the neighboring country. The soldiers of the army came to the village to gather all the men who were able to fight. All the young men of the village were sent to the front, and many of them died. But the son of the old man was able to stay at home with his broken leg. “Who knows… who knows what it’s good for?”

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