Guns, Murder and America

Just Another Monday Morning at the NRA Head Office

Idle chit chat overheard at the water cooler in Fairfax, Virginia

Charles Cotton (NRA President): Hey there, Wayne…so, how’d it go this weekend? Hell of a convention, I heard.

Wayne LaPierre (NRA CEO and Vice President): Oh man, those assholes from Louisiana made fun of my last name again.

CC: Yeah, those Frenchies don’t trust any Yankees with a French name. It’s like they’re jealous that your family escaped or something.

WLP: I guess I should just be glad that my last name isn’t Cotton because well….you know…

(shuffling and awkward gazing toward the floor)

CC: (clears throat). Anyway…um….quite a week we’ve been having all month, huh? Do you think we should say something?

WLP: How many times do I have to tell you after one of these tragic, unfortunate and easily prevented mass shootings, we keep our mouths shut. It would be disrespectful to dishonor the fallen.

CC: The fallen?

WLP: Yeah, those who we’ve agreed would be sacrificed so that every American could continue to own, carry and use military grade assault rifles, just like it says in the bible. I mean the constitution. Or something.

CC: Yeah yeah, I know that’s our policy. So I guess it was kind of a coincidence that our national convention was planned and went ahead the week after 19 kids and 2 adults were killed not too far away in the great state of Texas.

WLP: Yeah…coincidence. Look, I already tweeted my thoughts and prayers. What more can I do? Say…you’re not getting cold feet here are you, Cotton? Should I tell you what I did with all my Lee Greenwood albums?

CC: (chuckles uncomfortably). Oh no….haha…it must have been something though to see the President on stage though. Remember that time after one of the shootings in 2018 when he was starting to make some noises about background checks and age minimums?

WLP: Do I? Hell, the five minute phone conversation I had with him to….ummmm….remind him that that was not a good idea was the best part of that week.

CC: Yeah, looks like he got the message.

WLP: Oh I’ll say he did. Hey, speaking of which, do we have enough money in the rainy day fund to throw a couple more grand at Ted Cruz? Poor guy has been hopping from one foot to the other this week. I even heard someone asked him for a selfie in a restaurant and then attacked him.

CC: Attacked him?

WLP: Well, verbally. But it’s still a disgraceful, uncivilized outrage. He’s been through a lot, so I want to set him up for a well deserved holiday in Cancun.

CC: But Ted said what is happening is due to violent video games that create mental health problems, so shouldn’t we maybe put some of that into helping people with issues?

WLP: I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that, Cotton.

CC: Ummm….ok, you’re right. How does $50k more sound?

WLP: Sure, call up Smith and Wesson Corp and see what they can kick in. They owe me a favor anyway. Where will that put him on the leader board?

CC: Well, let’s see…that’ll move him up one spot, past John Kennedy, but just behind Chuck Grassley.

WLP: Oh good…that would not be a fun conversation with Chuck. By the way, where’s Tommy Tubberville on that list?

CC: Oh, way down (giggles)…Tommy Tubberville.

WLP: What’s so funny?

CC: Sounds like the title character of a childrens’ book about a farmer that grows potatoes.

WLP: Yeah. Pretty much.

CC: You know…Mitt Romney called yesterday and he wanted me to remind you that in exchange for his continued support and silence, his employee contract as a bought and paid for career politician stipulates that he always be the highest paid and his total winnings must always be at least double the number two.

WLP: Oh, don’t I know it. What a pain in the ass, that guy. Who knew that a Mormon would be able to drive such a hard bargain?

CC: Ok, so what’s up for this week?

WLP: Well, since more than half of Americans hate us, the best practise is to lay low for a bit, you know let Americans grieve, rather than saying anything could be misconstrued as being in favour of all common sense, logic, rationality and reason. Never let them think that their right to know that their kids are safe at school supercedes anyone’s right to pack heat.

CC: But we know there’s going to be another one this week. Probably even today?

WLP: Another one?

CC: A mass shooting

WLP: You didn’t get the memo, did you Cotton. We are calling those police incidents now. Mass shooting is too frightening. And besides, if things go sideways, this will make it easier to just blame the cops who didn’t do their jobs.

CC: But didn’t you say yourself that our goal is to keep Americans in a state of fear, thereby driving weapons sales?

WLP: Cotton, we are just a piece of the puzzle. A big piece, but just one piece all the same. We are working hand in hand with social media, the traditional media, weapons manufacturers, a broken education system, a non-existent health care system, supply chain issues, inflation, conspiracy theories, a society that glorifies violence, corrupt officials and all the politicians that we have paid good money for to make sure that good, law abiding, upstanding American citizens don’t get any funny ideas about getting off the hamster wheel they are kept on.

And if that’s as far as we get with those things then we’ll throw in a bit of culture wars and cancel culture. That’ll keep them heavily armed and at each other’s throats forever.

CC: What?

WLP: Whoops. Did I say that out loud? What I meant to say was, so that good, law abiding, upstanding citizens continue to have the god given legal right to own and use military grade assault rifles and resist them being taken away by a tyrannical government, just like it says in the Bible.

CC: Yeah, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that. I’ve looked all over and I can’t find where it says that.

WLP: I meant the Bill of Rights?

CC: Also nope.

WLP: I mean the Gettysburg Address?

CC: Try again.

WLP: I meant the Declaration of Independence?

CC: Still nope.

WLP: I meant the 2nd Amendment. Oh hell Cotton, most people don’t know the difference anyway. As long as they know it’s not in the Communist Manifesto, they’ll buy it.

CC: I’ll give you that, Wayne. I guess that’s why you’re the boss.

WLP: And don’t you forget it, Cotton. Anyway…have a good day. Keep me posted if anything…you know…happens.

CC: Ok boss and remember: Only YOU can prevent forest fires.

WLP: Huh?

CC: Oh. Whoops. I meant, Guns don’t kill people. Americans with guns kill other Americans.

WLP: Jesus, Cotton…what the hell am I going to do with you?