Just a Gourd, Schmucks

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Abstract

n of go on a damn hike.</p><p id="34d4">With global temperatures rising, the seemingly endless heat hasn’t slowed down pumpkin sales. <a href="https://www.axios.com/2023/08/23/pumpkin-spice-latte-2023-starbucks-dunkin">According to NielsenIQ</a>, pumpkin-essenced products accounted for $802.5 million in sales in the last year. There are always new products to use your nearly maxed-out 29.99% APR credit card on, like Pumpkin Spice Flavored Dog Brew and doggie doughnuts. Thanks, NielsenIQ, for demonstrating how ridiculous people are.</p> <figure id="8e41"> <div> <div> <img class="ratio" src="http://placehold.it/16x9"> <iframe class="" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?type=text%2Fhtml&key=a19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07&schema=twitter&url=https%3A//twitter.com/BuschBeer/status/1694350163202982045%3Fs%3D20&image=https%3A//i.embed.ly/1/image%3Furl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fabs.twimg.com%252Ferrors%252Flogo46x38.png%26key%3Da19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="281" width="500"> </div> </div> </figure></iframe></div></div></figure><p id="e295">Krispy Kreme’s doggy donuts debuted in late August 2023. I guess the name Doggy Diabetes was taken, but it’s another cute alliteration! According to Krispy Kreme, these things have nearly no nutritional value, just like human doughnuts.</p><p id="c396" type="7">Pup’kin Spice Doggie Doughnuts are intended as a snack and are not formulated to be served as a complete and balanced meal.</p><p id="a3e2" type="7">-Krispy Kreme Propaganda</p><p id="989d">I expect this mindl

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ess consumerist behavior from people who write and say “bevvie” unironically. I can’t say it without unintentionally gagging. Your undying wish to curb stomp your metabolic health aside, there are other, much sluttier gourds who would take the job for cheaper.</p><figure id="c8b0"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*z1uhEDj8-LyvdWcenbgtxw.jpeg"><figcaption>What’s the pumpkin have that we don’t? Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@kolbecka?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Andie Kolbeck</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/brown-gourd-lot-lEKiF28dxbk?utm_content=creditCopyText&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=unsplash">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="7593">This is just obscured viral marketing for my personal favorite gourd-geous seasonal varietal — delicata squash! Delicata squash is delectable and has an edible skin, which makes it perfect for roasting. Cut, scoop, slice, and cover in olive oil, salt, and pepper. Then roast on parchment for a bit¹. Simple. No marketers. No marketing calendar.</p><p id="bf0e" type="7">I take pity on those who won’t eat a vegetable unless it has several grams of sugar and lots of caffeine mixed into it — like the PSL.</p><p id="bd57">Anyway, if you buy this kind of mass-produced garbage, you’re a total fool who hates planet Earth. What do you mean, what’s that box of orange-colored pumpkin Oreos behind my back? They’re for a friend who goes to a totally different school. No, you haven’t met them.</p><p id="a06a"><i>Victor Cardenas never met an Oreo he didn’t like.</i></p><p id="00bc">¹ That’s right. I can cook too.</p></article></body>

Another season of processed foods!

Take a pumpkin and cut the top off. Then, scoop out the insides. Then, separate the stringy stuff from the seeds. Then, liquefy the pumpkin guts by chewing them for an hour and spitting them into a liquid measuring cup. Then, pour the liquid back into the pumpkin. That’s too much work. I eat my pumpkin raw, like an apple. Can anyone tell me why my gums are bleeding? Photo by Pietro Jeng from Pexels

Hi, my precious pumpkin cakes. Fall is in full swing in the Northern Hemisphere — but pumpkin everything seems to have preceded the season. Pumpkin bread, pie, pancakes, toaster pastries, cookies, and, of course, pumpkin spice lattes.

Most of the aforementioned foods are produced in factories by low-wage employees — highly processed and arguably food. Some foods merely celebrate a handful of spices with pumpkin as a sideshow. This corporate phenomenon is called ‘pumpkin season.’ The season starts earlier every year, and it’s TIME TO STOP. Stop now before the 4th of July marks the start of this season, and it then toys with the idea of deliberate war upon the ever-encroaching Christmas season.

Everything doesn’t need to be a season. How special would your birthday be if it lasted 4 months? Stop the madness! Maybe it’s the szn of go on a damn hike.

With global temperatures rising, the seemingly endless heat hasn’t slowed down pumpkin sales. According to NielsenIQ, pumpkin-essenced products accounted for $802.5 million in sales in the last year. There are always new products to use your nearly maxed-out 29.99% APR credit card on, like Pumpkin Spice Flavored Dog Brew and doggie doughnuts. Thanks, NielsenIQ, for demonstrating how ridiculous people are.

Krispy Kreme’s doggy donuts debuted in late August 2023. I guess the name Doggy Diabetes was taken, but it’s another cute alliteration! According to Krispy Kreme, these things have nearly no nutritional value, just like human doughnuts.

Pup’kin Spice Doggie Doughnuts are intended as a snack and are not formulated to be served as a complete and balanced meal.

-Krispy Kreme Propaganda

I expect this mindless consumerist behavior from people who write and say “bevvie” unironically. I can’t say it without unintentionally gagging. Your undying wish to curb stomp your metabolic health aside, there are other, much sluttier gourds who would take the job for cheaper.

What’s the pumpkin have that we don’t? Photo by Andie Kolbeck on Unsplash

This is just obscured viral marketing for my personal favorite gourd-geous seasonal varietal — delicata squash! Delicata squash is delectable and has an edible skin, which makes it perfect for roasting. Cut, scoop, slice, and cover in olive oil, salt, and pepper. Then roast on parchment for a bit¹. Simple. No marketers. No marketing calendar.

I take pity on those who won’t eat a vegetable unless it has several grams of sugar and lots of caffeine mixed into it — like the PSL.

Anyway, if you buy this kind of mass-produced garbage, you’re a total fool who hates planet Earth. What do you mean, what’s that box of orange-colored pumpkin Oreos behind my back? They’re for a friend who goes to a totally different school. No, you haven’t met them.

Victor Cardenas never met an Oreo he didn’t like.

¹ That’s right. I can cook too.

THE DL ON THE PSL AND ALL THINGS PUMPKIN

Just a Gourd, Schmucks

Another season of processed foods!