Journeying in the Seat of Uncertainty

Live every moment as if another moment will never come. ( Osho)

Fear of Uncertainty

How frightening uncertainty can be for someone who is constantly trying to keep themselves in check. It’s scary as well as terrifying. I know I gave this meaning to it. Since childhood, everything in my life must be controlled for me. My morning wake-up time, mealtime, study time, and playtime should always be the same. If one day someone changed places, I would be angry and afraid that it would turn into something I could not control. Things I couldn’t control would make me feel uneasy.

It’s like I’m alone in a deserted forest. And I was always on the alert in case a danger would come from around. This was terrifying for a child.

Sometimes you want to let go of everything. To leave things where they belong without checking anything. But that first warning comes immediately, like an arrow shot from a bow, into the very center of the mind.

All of a sudden, your body becomes rigid and you feel as if someone is waiting outside to attack you, and even at that moment, you startle with the coldness of the barrel of that gun that is held up to your neck.

And again you can’t let go, what you want to let go. It sticks to your body, just above your back, sitting on your shoulders. And every time you don’t let go, each day it gets a little heavier and a little heavier. Then you see, at the age of 15, the feelings of 45 years of age surrounding your body. Because under what you can’t let go, your old soul gets more and more crushed every day. Try to improve your appearance as much as you want to hide it from the outside…

When your soul is 45, your body cannot show 15.

Who owns your soul?

One day someone comes into your life and tells you that the things you have burdened yourself, up to this time, suck your soul. You start by thinking about what he means first. Then you ask yourself, could he be right? Then you question; how he can enjoy life so much even though nothing is going well in his life, even though he has many problems.

The answer is simple. Because he just lets everything flow. And he doesn’t choose to be that magical prisoner of self-control.

Experiencing uncertainty; It’s much better than thinking it will always be bad

There’s also the possibility that at least uncertainty can be good. But it always remains bad when you think only negatively.

Let’s go on a trip, my boyfriend said one day. We made a plan and decided where we were going. But after a while, we decided to get up and return home on an unknown road. We were going to live together, an experience that neither of us knew.

For me, who is constantly controlling even the smallest things in her life, this experience was a complete mystery. Because I was trying to think and determine what we would live on, on the road, and I also had a nice feeling of wonder about what would happen in my body.

Our enthusiasm and desire for uncertainty suddenly led us to a path we did not know. And this situation made me think about things in my soul and body that I had not realized before.

Had I misapplied the desire to control, which I had always believed was right and was protecting me? I suddenly thought of my childhood. Well, I didn’t want to live like that. Who is this inner voice?

If it was speaking for my own good, why was it trying to control me? Who actually belonged to this voice that mixed in and commented on everything? I suddenly had the opportunity to question myself on a journey I did not know.

When I turned 28, I realized that the voice in my head did not really reflect either my ideas or my desires. Actually, I wanted to be free like in my dreams. But I knew I wouldn’t be free if I listened to the voice in my head. I cannot live as I dream. When I thought I was in control of everything in my life, the voice in my head was actually controlling me.

That’s when I decided. I will choose the path of my own free will and live. Ever since I was little, I always believed that what the voice in my head was listening to was true.

I never questioned her until now. I let her rule me. But now it was my turn to lead. If I realized that she was controlling me, I would also have the power to resist her. This was the turning point in my life. And I had to choose.

How I want to continue my life from now on…

Would I act with my free will and ideas that I call my “me” thought, or with my value judgments consisting of the sum of the thoughts of my family, environment and friends that I have been influenced by since my childhood?

It all depended on my choice. Now was the time to make a choice and stand behind that choice and take responsibility for it.

And sometimes you have to take the path you never knew, to wake you up hidden in the unknown corners of your soul.

I knew that I couldn’t walk this road just for it to end. The path I walked meant my life. And I wasn’t going to live my life just for it to end.

It is such as me, the inside me, who is excited about her journey without knowing where she will go, which doors she will open in her life, which people she will touch.

Because sometimes it’s the tree in the corner that reminds you of you. Maybe the path followed by the trees on both sides of the road will lead you to you.

Then the lake view begins where the trees end and you start too; to live your life with the excitement of uncertainty.

It surrounds you like the smell of orange groves that you come across on an unfamiliar road, the smell of curiosity and excitement in the things you let go without control.

Then, when the rays of the sun look out from behind the hills, you find yourself grateful for the moments you lived one day with uncertainty, without thinking about what might happen to you. You stay for a while with the satisfaction of those moments that make you feel that you are alive, really alive.

And you want to relive that moment again and again. That contentment is so strong and it makes you so strong… You find the strength in yourself to endure the difficulties on your way out. And the stronger you become, the more fearless you become. Then you see, this strength becomes a steel vest for you while you experience your body and all the difficulties in your life.

Now is the time to live life without fear, to open your heart to uncertainties without fear. Because the way is your way, live the way you want to live. As long as you live your life for yourself!

Stay loving yourself!