Summary

The website content is a personal journal entry by David Todd McCarty, expressing his fatigue, frustration with financial pressures, and his pursuit of peace and fulfillment through writing.

Abstract

In a journal entry dated March 13, 2023, David Todd McCarty conveys a deep sense of exhaustion and dissatisfaction with his current life situation, despite having followed the prescribed path of hard work and sacrifice. He laments the increasing cost of living and his struggle to maintain his lifestyle, which includes the need for home repairs and a new car. McCarty is seeking solace and purpose in his aspiration to write for renowned publications and potentially publish a book, despite the financial uncertainty of such endeavors. He reflects on his past reliance on prayer for peace of mind amidst a high-pressure career and draws inspiration from the story of "Ponytail Paul," a trail angel who found solace in nature after a nervous breakdown. McCarty's musings extend to broader societal issues, criticizing political figures for failing the public and expressing a desire for a massive uprising against those in power who exploit the masses for their gain.

Opinions

McCarty feels that his hard work and sacrifices have not yielded sufficient rewards, leaving him financially strained.
He is critical of the increasing cost of living and the challenges of maintaining his lifestyle.
McCarty finds inspiration in the concept of "trail magic" and the peaceful existence of individuals like "Ponytail Paul."
He is disillusioned with the political system, believing that politicians from both parties have failed the public by prioritizing their donors and personal gain.
Despite his anti-violence stance, McCarty harbors

WRITING

Journal 3.13.23

I’m which I find myself tired, angry, and in search of peace

Image comp by author. Photo: Adobe Stock

I’m tired.

Exhausted really. Life is just so hard. When did this all happen? I did all the things I was supposed to do. Made all the sacrifices I was asked to make. I put in all the hard work. What do I have to show for it? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

Everything is getting so expensive. Every time I look around, the things I used to take for granted seem to be out of reach. I used to make a very handsome living. Now I feel like I’m just scraping by. I need a new roof. My wife needs a new car. The yard needs new fencing. The porch needs work. Everything is just constantly falling apart. I’m sick of it.

What am I doing about it?

I’m chasing a dream of writing magazine articles for Rolling Stone, The Atlantic, or the New Yorker. Maybe one day, writing and publishing a book. What does this pay, you ask? Not enough. Not nearly enough.

There was a time, earlier in my career, when I would pray. Not to be successful or anything significant. Just to ask for peace in an anxiety-riddled field of work. Prayer was a way of calming the wild monkeys in my brain. Take a deep breath and have faith that things will work out. The idea that maybe someone was in control of the chaos was comforting, regardless of how true or not it was.

Peace. The thing so many of us lack. Peace of mind.

A few years ago, the sporting goods retailer REI produced a short documentary film about a “Trail Angel” in the 100-Mile Wilderness of Baxter State Park in Maine. A trail angel is someone who helps long-distance hikers along their arduous journey with small but important gestures, known by the hikers as “trail magic.”

Most often found along the Appalachian Trail and Pacific Crest Trail, these saints volunteer to provide a little bit of relief and aid to those trekking hundreds or thousands of miles on foot. They’re a special breed. Some leave goodies behind for the hikers. Others set up little hospitality respites. Rides into town are appreciated.

The story that REI chose to tell was about a man in Maine, a toy maker, who suffered a nervous breakdown and went to the woods looking for relief. His name is Paul Stiffler, but he goes by his trail name: Ponytail Paul.

“The hardest part is trying to look normal when your whole world is on fire,” Paul says at the start of the film. “That’s why I like the woods. It’s just so peaceful and so beautiful. Peace. Peace of mind. That’s all I ever pray for.”

After I saw the film, I hunted him down, and we became friends, albeit from a distance. We keep threatening to run into one another, but it hasn’t happened yet. I’m looking at one of his creations as I write this. A flying pig. The symbol of the impossible dream. It hangs in front of my office window, urging me forward.

It’s one thing to have an existential crisis over whether or not you’re happy with your life. It’s quite another to worry about your financial future. Far too many Americans are somewhere between worried and terrified, and for good reason. The vast majority of us have been sold out by politicians of both stripes, in order to maintain power and the status quo.

Don’t get me wrong. Both political parties are not the same. They’re not in the same ballpark. They’re not even playing the same fucking game. But they all sold their souls to their donors for another term in office. We struggle to get by so that billionaires can amass dynastic wealth, and they throw us crumbs, so we don’t storm the gates.

We’re not supposed to wish harm on people or pray for their violent demise. I can’t say what I really feel lest I be accused of advocating for violence. I don’t believe in war. I’m anti-guns. I want to see the demilitarization of the police. I do believe in non-violence. But I do occasionally wish to see massive uprisings that put the fear of god into our cowardly politicians, businessmen, and media elites who knowingly exploit the public for profit. They should be punished severely and permanently.

I would not shed a tear for any of them.

So, I’m tired and angry. It’s a lot.

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