Joan; My 16-Year Old Cougar

That’s what happened

My parents are really worried about me because my grades are dropping like turnips off a turnip truck. Even my brother is worried, which is weird because his grades have always sucked. It’s like I was somehow making up for him, but now I’m failing. I’m fucking 14 and it’s like I’m already doomed to spend my life sleeping under bridges.

It’s not like I was a straight A student or anything. As and Bs with a C or two. The occasional honor roll report card, which always thrilled my mom all the way to the moon and back.

OK, so what happened. Joan. That’s what happened. I mean, not that. She. She’s not a “that.” It’s really my mom’s fault, and my brother’s, but I’m not telling. Nobody is going to know, not my mom, not my brother, not even my friends, although that’s a tough one because I’m so tempted to brag, I mean, I’m getting some, and they aren’t. But if I told anyone, it would be over, that’s what Joan says, and I’m putty in her hands, I have to admit it!

Like I said, it’s my mom’s fault, and my brother’s. My mom brought up Social Dancing. I wasn’t interested but my brother went on and on about how cool it was, so I agreed.

Anyway, Social Dancing. The idea is to teach us dumb dances like the waltz and the fox trot. But the thing is, it’s only the past year and a half or so that I’ve liked girls, and dancing those dances with them meant touching them, so I was like, O — K!!!

There was a problem though. Back then I had a raging crush on this girl Margot, and when I asked her to dance, I found out exactly what she thought of me, as in not much. I danced with other girls then cried my dumb-ass self to sleep that night. I didn’t know about Joan yet.

I don’t know if it was the second, third, or fourth week, but whatever it was, when they finally got around to having ladies choice, Joan walked right up to me and whisked me away like I was a feather or something. She’s way taller than me, and stronger. My head comes up to just past her boobs, which means my face was — well, we’ll get to that. In fact, let’s get to it right now. It was a slow dance, and she clasped me to her like death itself, which put my face — I’ve already told you.

I. Was. Fucking. Dying. I had like the biggest boner ever, and she knew it, in spite of my wearing a jock strap so that the girls wouldn’t know it. That is at least I think she knew it, because I looked up and saw that she was smiling in a way I didn’t recognize. Just as the dance was ending she whispered into my hair (which made my boner even worse), “Meet me at the northeast gate tomorrow, after school.” I managed to look up and say, “OK.” I think my face was all sweaty.

Oh man. I couldn’t sleep that night, so I did what you do when you can’t sleep, at least five times.

Fortunately Joan wasn’t in any of my classes, because I don’t know what I would have done. As it was I had no idea what any of the teachers were saying. In fact, Mrs. Cooper called on me and I had no clue, which made the other kids laugh. Normally that would have devastated me but I barely noticed. I stared at Mrs. Cooper like a deer in the headlights. She smiled then called on someone else. She knew! My face must have been beet red.

I don’t know how I made it to the end of the school day, but I did. I headed straight for the northeast gate, which is what we call the gap in the northeast corner of the playground fence. From a distance I could see that Joan was there, which was a relief. If she had stood me up, I think I would have cried a fucking river. Anyway, I walked over, we held hands, and then walked away down the street. Fortunately I didn’t have to say anything, because she just took off gossiping about the teachers. She had me laughing so hard I almost pissed in my pants, which would have totally sucked.

When we got to the Trolley Tracks — I mean there are no tracks there any more but that’s what everybody calls it — she led me down that way, which was cool, but then she led me off onto a little path into the woods. My heart started pounding like a pile driver! She was still gossiping and joking but I barely heard her. When we got a little way in, she stopped and clasped me to her like at social dancing. Then she got down far enough so that we could suck face. I was dying, but that was OK because I totally had one foot in heaven. I would have been OK stopping with that, but she straightened up again, then started unbuttoning her blouse.

It’s a good thing she was holding on to me or I would have collapsed, right then and there. I had the most raging boner on earth and she knew it because, well, no jock strap now! Then she pulled her bra away a little and pressed my face in there and I immediately creamed — I couldn’t help it! Worse, she knew, but it didn’t seem to bother her. Instead, she let out this terrific sigh. Then she turned my face up to meet hers — my knees were like jelly —and swore me to absolute secrecy. “Not your friends, not your parents, nobody!” I was nodding my head like an absolute idiot and saying, “Yes, yes, I promise,” also like an idiot but I meant it. Then she asked me if I was Catholic, which seemed weird, but I said no, Episcopalian. She seemed relieved. Then I remembered: Catholic, confession, yeah. That’s why she asked.

When we were walking away she started telling me how the “short girls,” as she called the girls I was always falling for, thought I was a drip. I admitted that I knew that. Then she went off on this thing about how she wasn’t popular like the “short girls” and didn’t have many friends, and hoped that we could be friends. “I mean, I don’t want to just make out all the time.” I agreed, even though that was a bit of a lie because I would have been totally OK with making out all the time. Anyway, she went back to gossiping about the teachers, and then about the other girls and how they didn’t like me but she figured “a cute boy like you shouldn’t go to waste.”

That really surprised me, because I figured I was ugly. I hadn’t said more than like two words this whole time, but she just kept going on about the most outrageous things. Like that she started kindergarten a year late, and she’d been left back in the fourth grade, so she’s older than me by more than two years. I didn’t know that, but I guess it explained a lot.

Later my friend Rich called me and invited me to his house. I went and it turned out Bob was there. They must have seen me go off with Joan, or someone told them, because they started in on me right away. “Tell us, tell us! Did you suck her titties? Huh? C’mon, Tell us! Tell us!!!” My face was like a stove light but I didn’t crack. Fortunately, Rich’s mom asked if I wanted to stay for dinner. I called my mom who said it was OK, and things calmed down. After we watched Star Trek I went home. It was a bit of a walk but I had a lot to think about.

I thanked my lucky stars I hadn’t told them anything, because I kept meeting up with Joan. Not every day, and we didn’t always make out, but when we did it got crazier and crazier — she even got down, undid my pants, and, I don’t know what exactly she did, but I nearly dropped dead! I babbled some shit about how I loved her and all that, but she just looked at me and said something like, “you are just. So. Cute!”

Now she’s talking about how we are going to do it. I’m pretty scared, in fact really scared, I have to admit it. If I didn’t have you to talk to I don’t know what I’d do. I’m sworn to secrecy, and I haven’t cracked. Like I said, I’m putty, but only in Joan’s hands. I can’t think about anything but Joan, and I can’t tell anybody. My brain is a complete Dumpster fire. That’s what happened to my grades.

But I figure it’s OK to tell you, dear diary. You’re just a book. If I didn’t have you I bet I would have blabbed and ruined everything.

The further adventures of this young man: