Jesus Comes Back to Straighten Out the Mess

And accuses people of making Christianity look ridiculous

In a surprise move, Jesus returned to earth this week to straighten out the Catholic baptism mess that occurred after a priest got his pronouns mixed up.

The priest in question apologized profusely for saying “we” instead of “I” during the baptismal sacraments, but this didn’t deter the Catholic Church from suggesting that hundreds of baptisms might be null and void.

According to BBC news reports, “It is unclear how many baptisms are now considered invalid, although local media has put the figure in the thousands.”

Jesus, clearly exasperated, said, “Baptisms aren’t about pronouns. Baptisms are about giving your heart to Jesus.”

When somebody asked if all the people who had fake baptisms were going to hell, Jesus looked like he wanted to turn over a few tables.

“There is no such thing as a fake baptism. You remind me of the Pharisees, making up stupid rules. Don’t you realize you’ve taken a great message about love, forgiveness, and compassion that has the power to change the world and made it look ridiculous? Now even more people will make fun of Christians.”

Jesus seemed to be losing ground when one man in the crowd shouted hopefully, “Does this mean I get to declare my marriage invalid, since my baptism doesn’t count?”

Others, disgruntled at being compared to Pharisees and thinking the talk about love was a bit much, grumbled that this probably wasn’t really Jesus.

“We’re like, going through a crisis, and this guy says pronouns aren’t important? I say we cancel him,” said Allison S. Snodgrass who goes by ASS on social media.

Following her words, the angry crowd surged forward, but Jesus slipped through their fingers and disappeared. An unnamed man thought he heard Jesus say right before vanishing in a cloud, “You people are hopeless. See you in another 2,000 years.”

But the crowd forgot about Jesus when they heard somebody was selling marriage anulments and baptisms at a discount.