ENTERTAINMENT

Jeffrey Dahmer’s Dad Died and We’re Wondering Who Will Buy His House

Give it to me, I’ll take it. It’s a nice house.

I hope the AP doesn’t pick this up, because I’m not 100% sure that Jeffrey Dahmer’s dad is, in fact, dead.

But I’m about 99% sure, and let me tell you why.

As we join our program already in progress, you’ll recall that I live… or lived… around the corner from Jeffrey Dahmer’s dad, Lionel Dahmer. Mr. Dahmer is… or was… in his late 80s and in failing health. The regular EMT and Sheriff’s Deputy visits testify to that.

About a week ago, I just happened to drive by as he was being unloaded on a gurney from a medical transport van (which is like an ambulance, but without all the literal bells and whistles).

Usually, a scene like this means you’ve been in the hospital and now you’re coming home to (at that age, at least) die. Most of us aspire to something just like this, so it wasn’t a particularly sad sight.

The giant dumpster that just showed up in the driveway tells a different tale. As does the fact that all the windows in the house are now open.

All of them.

24/7.

That can’t be good.

My boss doesn’t think anybody will buy the house, but as usual, I think he’s wrong. It’s a nice property that’s valued at over $300,000. It’s not like any serial-killing happened there.

The problem isn’t the house — whatever’s going on with the open windows thing, you can always strip the interior down to the studs and start over. That’s what they did when the cat ate my brother-in-law.

The problem is the nut jobs, the ghoul patrol, the just plain weird people who are drawn to anything even vaguely related to serial killers.

Apparently, and I don’t know how I missed this because I usually manage to be around when shit gets weird, Mr. Dahmer has been accosted twice by “crazed fans” of the 2022 Netflix series Dahmer-Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story.

One such fan, a young woman, took off her panties and threw them onto the lawn, yelling, “I love you, Lionel!”

Mr. Dahmer’s caretaker, Jeb (no, I am not making this up), said he picked up the offending underwear with a pair of tongs. That’s when the ‘No Trespassing’ signs appeared.

I found a gigantic double-D bra in front of my house once, so when I saw the article about the panties, I wasn’t that impressed. But if the girl actually stripped down right there in the driveway, I guess that’s different.

Maybe the new FOX Nation documentary ‘My Son Jeffrey: The Dahmer Family Tapes,’ airing on September 18th, is what finally did Mr. Dahmer in. It promises to reveal never-before-heard telephone conversations between Mr. Dahmer and his son while Jeffrey was in prison serving 15 consecutive life sentences.

Allegedly, Mr. Dahmer told Jeffrey that he understood him more than anyone knew, and that “he’d had weird thoughts too but never got caught.”

Okay, maybe I don’t want the house.

Those ‘No Trespassing’ signs better stay up.