Jealousy is Not About The Other Person

It’s an egoic construct about you

How would you feel if one of your colleagues got the promotion you’ve both been competing for? Or you find out that your parents have a favourite child, and it isn’t you?

If we go with the first example; at first you’d probably feel enraged that all your efforts have not been recognised and essentially gone to waste. Not because the other person didn’t deserve a promotion but because in your mind they have taken something that’s rightfully yours, away from you.

And so as time passes you start to shift your attention to the other person and seep into something known as jealousy — An emotion many of us find difficult to tame.

You might be the most secure and confident person but still at times feel jealous. That’s just a part of human nature. It’s all about knowing what fuels your jealousy and controlling it instead of letting it control you.

This is where the ego comes in.

You see, jealousy arises when our ego senses a threat. A threat we feel places our self-significance, self-image and any of our relationships in jeopardy. It isn’t something we develop as adults, but something that grows up with us from childhood and is nurtured by us and everyone around us.

What nourishes the ego is the perfect idea of self as an independent, special, and autonomous entity. Although there is nothing wrong with realising how special and unique you are, having a big ego can do more harm than good. Because your ego doesn’t want you to discover its biggest threats, to experience that inner peacefulness that could potentially harm its survival if you start to look within. And so your focus remains outward.

You begin to constantly compare yourself and compete with others to make yourself feel better. It tells you that being number one is more important and that you are worthless when you lose or settle for less which can be problematic if it leads to self destruction and self abuse.

Comparison thinking is not a bad thing. It can help us excel and become our very best in life. The question is — Is it a healthy competition?

I say self abuse because what we are essentially doing is comparing the worst of ourselves to the best of another. We spend so much time focusing on the things we feel we lack that we become blind to our own value and preciousness. We fail to realise our own purpose and accept that we are unique. This is because the ego thrives in fear, and wants us to have more possessions to own and more things to consume.

After all who is to say that those who appear to have their ish together actually do? What if it’s all for show?

But it’s not that simple. When feelings of jealousy arise they become evident in the emotional reflection of something we intensely want, need, and hold dear to our hearts.

In these situations we believe something to be true without really having any evidence to back our thinking. We see ourselves at the centre of the situation and interpret everything in relation to us — Completely personalising the situation even if it has nothing to do with us.

This also leads to predicting the future actions of the person we are jealous of as we start to imagine them doing something we are fearful of. We go through these phases over and over again and wind up experiencing this deeply upsetting feeling that constantly leads to fear of loss, anxiety, sadness, humiliation, or anger to name a few.

All the ego is, is an illusion but its work is so ingrained in us that it’s very difficult for us to imagine anything different. It behaves as if it has a life of its own which makes it nearly impossible for us to want to change our thought process. It keeps us in a state of turmoil rather than peace, where we feel the need to defeat others in order to feel powerful.

You see, whether you’re conscious of it or not your emotions are perfect reflections of your thoughts and can have a huge impact on your behaviour. Although usually harmless, there are times where jealousy can act as a powerful emotion that consumes someone’s life in a negative way to ensure that the egoic construct you created for yourself is met.

The ego is concerned with singularity. Meaning, it perceives oneself as separate from other people. Thus we fail to see all things as whole and support the illusion. When we see someone succeed, we don’t see ourselves as part of that success no matter how close we are to them.

If we go back to the first example, we fail to consider that the other person could bring success to the company which would benefit everyone involved. Instead we choose to make it all about us and our feelings.

The ego screams Me!Me!Me! and we start to feel resentful because in our eyes, we would not gain as they do. Hence we decide to be confrontational instead of approaching the situation peacefully.

According to evolutionary psychologists, jealousy evolved to protect our social bonds which is also evident in animals. Jealousy is a normal emotional reaction that’s there to preserve a valued relationship from danger. It becomes unhealthy and dangerous when it reveals itself in imagined scenarios where there is no real purpose for it.

Human emotions are much more complicated, they’re not always all good or bad. Emotions do give us valuable information and motivation that can help us grow when we perceive lack in certain areas of our lives.

It’s important to remember that jealousy is motivated by fear, more specifically fear of loss. What we don’t realise is that we often already have the things that we think we lack. The thing that stops us from seeing this, is our own perspective.

Pay attention to how jealousy makes you feel, emotionally as well as physically. Knowing how your emotions make your physical body feel can help you figure out ways you can calm yourself down and start thinking more clearly and rationally. Where the ego is involved, somehow, we allow jealousy to swallow all our good emotions and take control of us.

Don’t let it put you in an emotional state where you’re constantly fearful of a negative outcome. To a point where it makes you miserable through fear, low self-esteem and constant comparison.

You are not what you feel — So you shouldn’t allow your emotions and your feelings define who you are.