Jealousy, Domestic Violence and the Toxic Beliefs of Monogamy

Science reveals how beliefs like ‘jealousy is a sign of love’ lead to violence against women

Violence against women and domestic violence

Much has been written about violence against women, also called gender-based violence. It takes many forms, some of which are particular to certain cultures. For example, female genital mutilation, honor killings, home confinement and forced marriage occur in some Islamic societies.

In Western countries, a large part of violence against women takes the form of domestic violence, also called intimate partner violence. Literally speaking, domestic violence refers to abuse occurring ‘inside the house’ (Domus in Latin), that is, in married or cohabiting couples. Intimate partner violence refers to abuse in intimate relationships, whether or not they live together, which applies better to modern Western societies. Although intimate partner violence is disproportionately directed against women, men can also be its victims.

“One in four women are expected to experience a form of intimate partner violence in their lifetime” (Pichon et al., 2020).

There are five forms of intimate partner violence:

1. Physical violence, including anything from pushing and slapping all the way to homicide.
2. Sexual violence, which includes marital rape, forced sex and sexual coercion.
3. Psychological violence, such as insults, verbal abuse, gaslighting, humiliation and threats.
4. Controlling behaviors: isolating from family and friends, snooping in phones, monitoring movement, and restricting access to employment, education or medical care.
5. Economic violence consists of preventing a person from being economically independent by taking their money, keeping them unemployed, or forcing them from their home.

“Each year in the United States, approximately 1,500 women are murdered by a current or former husband or boyfriend. […] An estimated 2 million women are severely assaulted by an intimate male partner.” (Pichon et al., 2020).

Does jealousy cause domestic violence?

Why does so much violence occur in couples that claim to love each other? When we examine in detail instances of abuse, the reason becomes clear: jealousy (Puente and Cohen, 2003). This cause is even implicit in controlling behaviors and economic violence.

However, there is a certain resistance to recognize jealousy as the cause of intimate partner violence. One reason is ideological. The dogma is that violence is done to women because they are women. Invoking any other reason is considered an excuse that takes the focus away from the fact that women are being victimized by men. Part of this dogma is that patriarchy sanctions violence against women to maintain the imbalance of power that oppresses women. Another reason to not recognize jealousy as a cause of violence is that it bolsters monogamy, which is defended by many radical feminists.

If both men and women experience jealousy, why is it that women are the ones that are victims of violence?

There is an explanation. Jealousy is a source of conflict for both men and women. However, because of their natural aggression and physical strength, men are more prone to resort to physical violence when faced with this conflict. Men attack women for two reasons related to jealousy (Pichon et al., 2020):

1. Because the man suspects the woman is unfaithful and wants to control her by force.
2. Because the woman suspects the man of being unfaithful and confronts him; then he reacts with violence to assert his independence.

The link between jealousy and patriarchal culture

One review of the scientific literature (Pichon et al., 2020) summarized the results of 51 studies on the relationship between jealousy, infidelity and intimate partner violence. It found a clear association between jealousy and violence, and proposed three mechanisms for this.

• The first mechanism is patriarchal culture, which stigmatizes female sexual infidelity, condones male sexual infidelity and establishes that men are entitled to sex.
• The second mechanism is that suspicions of infidelity threatens the perception of masculinity — as controlling, provider and entitled to sex — and perceptions of femininity — as being providers of sex, having few sexual needs, and being degraded by sex.
• The third mechanism is lack of emotional regulation and conflict resolution skills. Because jealousy is validated by culture, it is perceived as something that does not need to be controlled and cannot be negotiated.

The link between beliefs about jealousy and violence

“Let’s say I committed this crime [the murder of ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson]. Even if I did do this, it would have to have been because I loved her very much, right?” — O. J. Simpson.

A scientific paper (Puente and Cohen, 2003) examined the relationship between jealousy, violence and beliefs that are common in monogamy.

The first of the three studies in this paper examined if American men (sample of 66) and women (89) viewed jealousy of a husband for his wife as a sign of love. Participants viewed jealousy in response to cheating, flirting or even innocent interaction of the wife with another man as a sign of love. They also showed understanding for jealousy in response to cheating (but not to flirting) and viewed jealousy as a sign of respect of a husband for his wife and likely to make their marriage last. Men and women gave similar responses. Therefore, the participants showed strong approval for jealousy and condemnation when jealousy is not exhibited in response to cheating.

“He that is not jealous is not in love.” — Saint Augustine

The second study in the paper examined whether these beliefs about jealousy lead to the acceptance of jealousy-driven violence. Participants (24 men, 25 women) listened to audiotapes of conflicts between husband and wife, one jealousy-related (flirting at a party) and one not related to jealousy (overdrawing a credit card). Then they were asked to evaluate the husband’s response of hitting or not hitting the wife. If the conflict didn’t involve jealousy, the man who hit his wife was not seen as loving her. However, if the conflict was about jealousy, the jealous man who used violence was seen as loving his wife as much as the jealous man who didn’t use violence, and more than the non-jealous non-violent man. Participants also believed that jealousy diminished the ethical wrongness of the domestic violence and the prospect that it would damage the marriage.

The third study was similar to the second, except that violence by the husband towards his wife was not physical (hitting), but emotional (screaming insults for four hours) or sexual (marital rape). The authors claim that the results were similar for the emotional abuse and rape, so they combined them for data analysis. Personally, I wouldn’t have done that, since I believe that rape is much worse than emotional abuse. Again, the jealous man who used emotional abuse or rape was seen as loving his wife the same as the jealous man who did not abuse her, and loving her more than the non-jealous, non-abusive man. In this study, participants also evaluated how masculine they thought the husband was. The abusive husband was seen as less manly in the non-jealousy scenario, but as manly as the non-abusive husband in the jealousy scenario. In the rape scenario, the subjects were asked if the woman should file rape charges, and if they would convict the husband of rape if they were in a jury. Again, they were less likely to think that the woman should file charges and to convict in the jealousy scenario compared to the non-jealousy scenario.

When jealousy becomes a mental disease: morbid jealousy

When we read about cases of intimate partner extreme violence or murder in the news, we often note a peculiar behavior of the abuser. He does not try to conceal his crime. He is extremely disturbed emotionally. Jealous behavior has become the main goal of his life. He sees his capture as a relief. Sometimes, he kills himself.

These are cases in which jealousy has become a mental disease. This morbid jealousy, as called by psychiatrists, comes in two forms (Batinic et al., 2013). Delusional jealousy consists of having strong, false beliefs that the partner is unfaithful. Obsessive jealousy is having unpleasant and irrational ruminations that the partner could be unfaithful, which manifest as compulsively checking the partners’ behavior. Both forms of carry a high risk of abuse, homicide and suicide. Delusional jealousy is a psychotic disorder that can be treated with antipsychotics, while obsessive jealousy is an obsessive-compulsive disorder treated with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) and cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Morbid jealousy is probably an exacerbation of the beliefs about infidelity and jealousy present in monogamous culture when they are adopted by men prone to psychosis or obsessive-compulsive disorders. We could debate to what extent a man with a mental disease is responsible for the suffering he causes, and what punitive and preventative measures should be taken against him. However, we can no longer ignore how beliefs about jealousy contribute to the suffering of the victims of violence.

The toxic beliefs of Monogamy

Some can be deduced from the papers discussed above, but there are others.

1. Jealousy is a sign of love.
2. Jealousy-motivated violence is excusable.
3. Adulterers must be punished.
4. Infidelity is an unforgivable sin and should lead to the breakup of the relationship.
5. Jealousy is natural and unavoidable.
6. No feeling jealous about an infidelity is a sign of weakness and lack of love.
7. It is manly to keep your wife from being unfaithful by controlling her behavior.
8. Romantic relationships must be exclusive.
9. You can only love one person at the time: ‘if you love her, that means that you don’t love me’.
10. It is wrong to have multiple sex partners; that makes you a womanizer if you are a man or a slut if you are a woman.

This list is not meant to be exhaustive. Feel free to add your own.

Final thoughts

In this brief article, I have presented evidence that:

1. Jealousy is the main cause of intimate partner violence, which in turn represents a large part of the violence against women in Western societies.
2. Men are the main perpetrators of intimate partner violence because of patriarchal beliefs. Among others, the entitlement of men to sex, the perception of women as providers of sex, the toleration of male infidelity, the stigmatization of female sexual desire, the idea that women are degraded by sex, and the idea that violence is a sign of masculinity and a prerogative of men.
3. Monogamy also has toxic beliefs, like jealousy is a sign of love, and that violence committed because of jealousy and infidelity is excusable.
4. These beliefs are pervasive in Western societies and may feed the morbid jealousy responsible of the worse crimes against women.

Our culture justifies and glorifies jealousy and jealousy-motivated violence in movies, TV series, novels and songs — like the one by The Beatles above. More than the violence itself, what matters is the underlying message that the jealousy is ‘natural’ and even a sign of love. The Patriarchy is a set of stereotypes, beliefs and laws that sustain an unequal distribution of power between men and women. Similarly, we could speak of Monogamy — with capital M — as a set of beliefs, stereotypes and laws that reward sexual exclusivity and punish adultery. Jealousy-motivated violence is just another way with which Monogamy enforces its way. This brings great suffering to both the person experiencing jealousy and the victim of the violence. Not only Monogamy punishes infidelity but also humiliates the cuckold that ignores it or fails to punish the adulterer. This is particularly notorious in Hispanic cultures, which use the symbol of the horns in images and jokes. Other cultures go even further, compelling the cuckold to kill his wife and her lover to restore his honor and place in society. Otherwise, he will live in perpetual humiliation.

Beliefs about jealousy and infidelity are being challenged by polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy. People who practice these lifestyles show that having multiple sexual partners or romantically loving more than one person is possible and ethical. Jealousy is far from inevitable. It can be overcome and it should never be an excuse for violence.

Further questions

• But, aren’t humans naturally monogamous?
• What about evolutionary psychology?
• Didn’t men evolve to protect themselves from cuckoldry? (sexual jealousy)
• Don’t women have a biological interest in keeping men from giving their affection and resources to other women? (emotional jealousy)
• Don’t oxytocin and vasopressin drive monogamous behavior and jealousy?
• If it is biologically driven, isn’t it futile to try to suppress jealousy?

I will answer these questions in my next articles about jealousy.