From the mental vault of a jaded man
You’re Never Too Old to Invent Something Stupid
Shit you didn’t know you need but I know you do
In 1889, Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of the United States Patent Office, made a bold assertion:
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.”
What a jackass.
134 years later we’re sporting Crocs, buying little raincoats for Chihuahuas and planting giant inflatable Jets linebackers on our front lawns to commemorate the birth of Christ.
And that’s just three inventions, you dead, short-sighted government drone. I would never be so ignorant as to make such a patently ridiculous comment.
To disprove your idiotic assumption I came up with a list of products that are screaming to be invented even in the age of spray-on tans and asscheek implants.
Air Fresheners for Motorcycles
Here’s an underserved consumer base if there ever was one.
Car jockeys, especially taxi drivers, have had the exclusive pleasure of enjoying the fake scent of Christmas trees for too long.
Bikers would now be able to bask in the custom fragrances of Burning Rubber, Cordite and Even More Leather.
The wimpy Christmas tree shape would be replaced with a statement-making baseball bat.
Musical Toilet Paper Holders
They rotate and they’re hidden. What a wasted opportunity for spring-loaded toilet paper holders!
Not to fret. A patented music box mechanism would now entertain you as your cleansing wipe of choice rolled out like the white carpet at a church wedding.
Melody choices would range from the traditional “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy” to the more contemporary “Wipe Out.”
Soap on a Rope 2024
Who hasn’t owned and enjoyed one of these stocking-stuffer staples? Practical in both households and prisons, they are an unquestionable must-have.
The 2024 version would take this concept into the 21st Century: a clear plastic or upgraded glass soap pump dispenser with the traditional wrist loop.
Manufacturers would be indemnified against concussions if users abruptly reached up to scratch their nose.
Snore Stopper
Sure, there are many variations of this solution for a common problem. Wimpy ones, if you ask me.
The Snore Stopper would attach to any headboard above the snorer’s head and include a sound-actuated claw that opened when triggered.
The claw would hold a standard plastic grocery bag with a capacity of up to 25 pounds to be released at the slightest hint of non-ambient sound.
Bag contents would be consumer-selectable and range from boxes of frozen dinners to canned meat.
Roof Racks for Airliners
In case you haven’t noticed, the price of checked luggage at airports has climbed higher than hippies sucking on a bong.
The reason for this is obvious: things that fly have pretty much remained the same size over the years while our collective need to pack everything we own on flights has bulged like Joey Chestnut’s belly after a Coney Island hot dog-eating contest.
Problem solved: car roof racks have served us well over many decades of family trips. We will now be able to apply the same concept to what are essentially large flying autos owned by American Airlines, Delta, United and their ilk.
They wouldn’t have to modify their toys in any way other than to attach generous-sized cages on top of them that can withstand multiple bird strikes.
An advanced option would include trailer hitches affixed to the ass ends of planes to accommodate bicycle racks for even more economy.
Indoor Invisible Toddler Fence
Cross-purposing an outdoor invisible dog fence for toddlers has been attempted before, but that’s an inhumane and dangerous practice that I would never condone.
This would be an indoor model that works on the same principle and can be configured to enclose any number of rooms. No danger of little Mikey running into an Amazon Prime van, see?
The toddler-end sensor would be attached to his chubby little hand or chubby little foot or just dropped down the back of his onesie.
Proximity alerts would be parent-adjustable from “mild vibration” to “shits his diaper.”
Toddler Security Sensor 3000
Toddler safety latches and protective devices are a dime a dozen, but they all have one flaw — they only serve to thwart the toddler, not shoo the little ankle-biter away.
The Toddler Security Sensor 3000 would be adaptable for use anywhere in the house — a basement door, a gun safe, the parents’ bedroom “toy” drawer etc.
On sensing that a toddler is in the process of getting access to whatever is prohibited, the built-in speaker would screech out in a female voice —
“WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN YOUR MOUTH?”
Purchase includes a money-back guarantee if the toddler doesn’t turn tail and run like a frickin’ antelope as if Beetlejuice himself was chasing him.
Manscaping Leaf Blower
My hat’s off to the ad agency that came up with the portmanteau “manscaping,” combining the manly art of pushing a lawnmower with the neglected task of trimming the weeds around one’s Tree of Life.
We know men, though. Mention a tool and their eyes light up like searchlights on a Coast Guard cutter.
They also don’t give a shit what a tool does as long as they have it and their neighbor doesn’t.
Enter the Manscaping Leaf Blower. Once the mowing is done, ya gotta blow the “grass clippings” off the driveway, right?
This little blower would be compact but tuned to produce a throaty whine in decibels high enough to vibrate your window panes *and more.*
Bet your neighbor doesn’t have one. “Suck it, Dave!”
If you enjoyed this story, leave a comment, give it a clap, highlight whatever tickles your fancy and follow me for a deeper dive into my dark humor. Such as this gem: