Japanese Love: Would You Forgive a Cheating Partner?

Exploring a culture where understanding can sometimes outweigh betrayal

🛑Note: This topic is sensitive and complex.🛑 1. I want to be clear that this doesn’t represent everyone in Japan, and relationships come in all forms everywhere! It’s just interesting to see how things we think are just for drama might have some basis in another culture’s real life. 2. Due to cultural and value differences, most women in our country struggle to accept their boyfriends or partners frequenting host clubs. This article is based on my personal experience and opinions. If there is interest in discussing the differences between host clubs or other services, that could be the topic of another article.

Introduction:

You might see it in movies or TV shows: Japanese men who are a lot older dating much younger women, or visiting hostess clubs, or even having secret relationships. Before I came to Japan, I thought those were just exaggerated stories. But living here, I’ve learned that sometimes they’re closer to real life than I expected.

I used to think that if a Japanese man had an affair or visited hostess clubs, it would definitely hurt his wife or partner and maybe even lead to breakup or divorce. But, after living in Japan and talking to some housewives, I was surprised by what I learned.

As long as I do not know It’s Okay

“As long as you don’t let me know, it’s okay,” said a mother from the Japanese host family I was staying with. She asked about the cultural differences between Japan and my country. I mentioned that I had seen in many Japanese dramas and TV shows that Japanese wives seem not to mind their husbands going to hostess clubs or even forgiving affairs, and I asked her if this was true. In my country, such situations would likely cause end of the 90% of marriages.

“She laughed and said, ‘As long as I don’t know about it, it’s okay.’ But then she got serious, adding, ‘Of course, I have my pride. If he did this in front of me on purpose, it would deeply hurt me as a wife, and I wouldn’t hesitate to leave him.’ She explained that if it’s kept secret, it feels like ‘just for show.’ This was especially true, she said, for work events at hostess clubs. Since refusing your boss about drinkin TVg late or going to hostess clubs could have negative consequences like damaging his career, there’s an element of being forced into that situation and its not her husband fault and they can forgive.

This surprised me — I realized those drama scenes weren’t just fiction, but mirrored complexities in real Japanese relationships.”

Few things in Life are Inevitable (しょうがないこと)

I had a special experience at an Italian restaurant once. That day, because the indoor seats were full, we chose the outdoor seats. It happened that our neighbors were four elderly people, an old couple and two other old ladies. They all looked to be in their 70s, and they were enjoying a pleasant conversation, red wine, and dinner.

While we were eating, we overheard a sentence by chance, “You had an affair , right? I knew it all the time” Suddenly, we were all ears!”

This question was asked by the old lady in the couple, and her tone was as natural as asking “What’s the weather like today?”. This made us perk up our ears all of a sudden.

“Their two friends seemed unsurprised, one even adding, “It was with that young lady from the company, right?” The old man just smiled, sipped his wine, and said, ‘Otoko dakara shouganai’ — it can’t be helped, he’s a man. And just like that, the conversation changed as if nothing remarkable had been said.

This experience made me full of doubts about my view on extramarital affairs. Is it really something that can be passed off as “it can’t be helped” (しょうがない)?

I think I would forgive

Driven by curiosity to explore this phenomenon, I brought up the restaurant scene with some young Japanese friends later at a party. Would they forgive a cheating partner? Surprisingly, their answers echoed one another: “First, I’d try to understand why it happened, but yes if there is a good reason, I think I could find forgiveness.” This conversation gave me a new perspective on Japanese views on love.

This overturned my assumptions. I’d always thought Japanese views on relationships were bound by tradition, perhaps tolerating infidelity for the sake of marriage or family. Instead, what I heard was a focus on a deeper connection — a willingness to understand, to communicate, and find a path through a partner’s mistakes. It made me reconsider my preconceived notions of Japanese love.

I felt they emphasized a deeper level of understanding and communication of feelings — a willingness to seek understanding and forgiveness even when a partner makes a mistake.

Ture Love ?

This shook my assumptions. Perhaps Japanese views on love run far deeper than I’d assumed, prioritizing a connection that transcends mistakes and seeks understanding. Could this, with its focus on empathy and the complexities of the human heart, be closer to what we idealize as ‘True Love’?

Of course, my limited experience prevents me from painting all Japanese romance with this brush. However, this unexpected philosophy of compassion invites a broader question: Is love, at its core, about unwavering forgiveness? Or is it something else entirely? This encounter sparks a desire to delve deeper, to discover what other profound lessons about love might be hidden within Japanese hearts.”

🏳 Addition Discussion 🏳

Many people would argue that the content of this article represents the opinions of only a few people and cannot represent Japanese culture as a whole. I completely agree; this does not represent all Japanese people.

The people who told me they could forgive their cheating partners didn’t express purely negative emotions. Perhaps it’s only a small number of people, but this concept is very different from what I’ve experienced in my own country, so I want to record it.

According to my data collection, about 30–40% of Japanese people would choose to forgive, especially older people or those who are already married. Some articles I have seen believe that people who can forgive their partners are more strong-minded and have more tolerance. It takes a “queen forgiving her vassal’s disrespect” stance. I think this can be discussed in more detail in other articles.

Reference data:

浮気された女性72％、その後「許す、許さないの境界線」はどこに？https://cancam.jp/archives/228452

浮気を「許す」と回答した割合は32%！男女200人に聞いたアンケート https://www.value-press.com/pressrelease/317618

コイタツ恋愛調査｜恋人の浮気を許せる？許せない？ https://koitatsu.com/renai-chosa/28674

彼氏の浮気を許す女と許さない女、幸せになれるのはどっち？ https://popteen.co.jp/media/8715/

浮気は許すべき？ 許すなら絶対決めるべき6つの条件 https://woman.mynavi.jp/article/190309-14/

If you enjoyed this article, please clap for article and follow me for more information about life in Japan.

If you want to know more about Japan, below are my few articles: