Jack and the medieval mystics Chapter 2

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Abstract

t I was still pissed off with Fred so I got myself two sausage rolls as well. My phone went off when I was in the changing room and this post-grad with a six-pack looked up from his locker. For a split second the alarm confused me but then I remembered: the God experiment. It was the last thing I wanted to think about, here and now. I grabbed my phone to turn off the noise and realized that the guy must have seen the red heart. His head was bent as he laced up his trainers, but was that a smirk on his face?</p><p id="79ba">Fuck off! I thought, but didn’t say. I sat back on the bench, holding my phone so no-one could see the screen and opened up the file: ‘Just as we shall partake of God’s blessedness for ever, praising him and thanking him, so have we existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time. In his timeless love he made us, and in the same love keeps us, never allowing us to be hurt in such a way that our blessedness be lost.’ The words seemed hopelessly arcane and irrelevant, like a spell from some long-lost world, but then I had an idea. I would change the ‘we’ to ‘I’ and the ‘us’ to ‘me.’ Maybe that way, I could more easily pretend I believed it. I read it through to myself again. ‘So have I existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time.’</p><p id="a417">…. Loved and known, from all time. Loved and known, from all time….. Working on the cross trainer, I repeated the phrase like a mantra and it seemed to work. When I got onto the weights, it was a different matter. I had to concentrate on my breathing and the whole thing went out of my mind. Despite the sausage rolls (or maybe because of them) it was a good day. I felt strong and managed to up the weight on some of the reps. Just as I was finishing up, the rowers came in. A bunch of them always came in together. It wasn’t just the size of their shoulders that gave them away — it was the rowing club sweatshirts.</p><figure id="213d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*k7TZ0VsL1NTh14-PsrUlqQ.jpeg"><figcaption>Photo by <a href="https://unsplash.com/@anniespratt?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Annie Spratt</a> on <a href="https://unsplash.com/s/photos/eton-college?utm_source=unsplash&utm_medium=referral&utm_content=creditCopyText">Unsplash</a></figcaption></figure><p id="2528">They were arrogant bastards - just stuck to themsleves. Spoilt by Mummy and Daddy. Sent to the right schools. Probably a trust fund to pay

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for their fees so they could sail into the City or somewhere after Uni. No student loan debts for them.</p><p id="c9e3">In the shower, something was niggling away at me. Like someone was tapping me on the shoulder, trying to get my attention, but there was no-one there. Then the words came back into my mind. ‘Loved and known from all time.’ As I towelled myself dry, the alarm went off and I read through the Julian stuff again. This time I tried to really let the words sink in, to imagine what it would be like to believe them. ‘I have existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time.’ If that was true, it wouldn’t matter about the rowers — with their happy families and their trust funds — but the problem was it wasn’t true.</p><p id="9792">Unlocking my bike outside the gym, I remembered the point of the experiment: to see what it would do to your mind if you <i>did </i>believe that stuff. But you can’t pretend to believe something if you don’t. Riding to the psychology building, I thought about it. OK — you can’t pretend, but can you choose? After all, people choose to believe all sorts of crap — conspiracy stuff, like the moon landing not happening. Could I <i>choose</i> to believe it?</p><p id="fd64">Thank you for reading. You can find Chapter 3 here</p><div id="2ca6" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/jack-and-the-medieval-mystics-chapter-3-7ba63d82993e"> <div> <div> <h2>Jack and the medieval mystics Chapter 3</h2> <div><h3>Nice one</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*SS8Bq9f9iyVYIyjGQwyEgA.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div><p id="b500">Links to all chapters are here</p><div id="a2fe" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/jack-and-the-medieval-mystics-introduction-53069e57e23c"> <div> <div> <h2>Jack and the medieval mystics: introduction</h2> <div><h3>A psychology student tries an experiment on his own mind</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/1*Ci-N7eEdJUDELkBt49Bo5g.jpeg)"></div> </div> </div> </a> </div></article></body>

Powering up

The alarm went off and, still half in my dream, I staggered out of bed and over to the desk. I always put my phone there so that I have to get out of bed to turn it off. There it was — on my screensaver — the big red heart I had set up, to remind me. Today was my God and love experiment.

I opened up Blessed Angela and read the chapter heading again: ‘How, being lodged within the soul, God worketh alike upon the understanding, the affections and the will.’ That’s what I planned to pretend for the whole day — that I had God lodged within my soul. There was something about the idea that felt comforting, weirdly. I smiled to myself at the thought of what Jem and Kipper would say — and the others — if they knew what I was doing.

I didn’t bother to shower as I was going to the gym before my seminar at 11. I rummaged for my joggers in the pile of dirty washing overflowing from the bin, and tried to think of a plan. I knew that was going to be the tricky thing — remembering to fill my mind with this God stuff. I decided to learn by heart that sentence about ‘being loved and known in his purpose from all time.’ On the mindfulness app I sometimes use when I can’t get to sleep, they talk about bringing your mind back to a mantra whenever it wanders. I set the alarm to go off every hour and, for good measure, drew a heart on the palm of each hand to remind me.

There was no-one in the kitchen and no music coming from any of the rooms. Ellie was probably at her boyfriend’s — she was hardly ever in these days. You couldn’t blame her — not with the mess Freddie made. It looked like he’d had mates round last night — there were enough empty cans to make a raft. But why the hell couldn’t he clear up after himself? And there was no milk left in the fridge either. Freddie’s keys were on the table and I picked them up. I felt like throwing them through the window but I didn’t.

I picked up a coffee at the garage on my way to the gym. I was meant to be eating healthily but I was still pissed off with Fred so I got myself two sausage rolls as well. My phone went off when I was in the changing room and this post-grad with a six-pack looked up from his locker. For a split second the alarm confused me but then I remembered: the God experiment. It was the last thing I wanted to think about, here and now. I grabbed my phone to turn off the noise and realized that the guy must have seen the red heart. His head was bent as he laced up his trainers, but was that a smirk on his face?

Fuck off! I thought, but didn’t say. I sat back on the bench, holding my phone so no-one could see the screen and opened up the file: ‘Just as we shall partake of God’s blessedness for ever, praising him and thanking him, so have we existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time. In his timeless love he made us, and in the same love keeps us, never allowing us to be hurt in such a way that our blessedness be lost.’ The words seemed hopelessly arcane and irrelevant, like a spell from some long-lost world, but then I had an idea. I would change the ‘we’ to ‘I’ and the ‘us’ to ‘me.’ Maybe that way, I could more easily pretend I believed it. I read it through to myself again. ‘So have I existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time.’

…. Loved and known, from all time. Loved and known, from all time….. Working on the cross trainer, I repeated the phrase like a mantra and it seemed to work. When I got onto the weights, it was a different matter. I had to concentrate on my breathing and the whole thing went out of my mind. Despite the sausage rolls (or maybe because of them) it was a good day. I felt strong and managed to up the weight on some of the reps. Just as I was finishing up, the rowers came in. A bunch of them always came in together. It wasn’t just the size of their shoulders that gave them away — it was the rowing club sweatshirts.

They were arrogant bastards - just stuck to themsleves. Spoilt by Mummy and Daddy. Sent to the right schools. Probably a trust fund to pay for their fees so they could sail into the City or somewhere after Uni. No student loan debts for them.

In the shower, something was niggling away at me. Like someone was tapping me on the shoulder, trying to get my attention, but there was no-one there. Then the words came back into my mind. ‘Loved and known from all time.’ As I towelled myself dry, the alarm went off and I read through the Julian stuff again. This time I tried to really let the words sink in, to imagine what it would be like to believe them. ‘I have existed in God’s foreknowledge, loved and known in his eternal purpose, from all time.’ If that was true, it wouldn’t matter about the rowers — with their happy families and their trust funds — but the problem was it wasn’t true.

Unlocking my bike outside the gym, I remembered the point of the experiment: to see what it would do to your mind if you did believe that stuff. But you can’t pretend to believe something if you don’t. Riding to the psychology building, I thought about it. OK — you can’t pretend, but can you choose? After all, people choose to believe all sorts of crap — conspiracy stuff, like the moon landing not happening. Could I choose to believe it?

Thank you for reading. You can find Chapter 3 here

Links to all chapters are here