I’ve never worked outside the home and I’m (finally) OK with it
Embracing my SAHM life
“So, what do you do?” I dreaded this question, I’d either quickly mumble something barely coherent about being a Mum and ask them. Because I never knew the response I’d get.
When I was heard, I got a variety of responses. Usually, like the person is trying to classify me.
I get the shutdown response, “Ok, so you’re “just” a stay at home mum” and this is the point I get shut out of conversations from apparent uselessness. Or The fantastic “So what do you really do?” and they go on to lump me under a classic position that they understand. Or The old-fashioned, “How lovely, I think a mother should be home to care for her family & the house”. This comment is said usually by a male, who probably means no harm or doesn’t know any better, but plays into the outdated assumption that women’s only place is in the home.
I would stress nearly constantly about my worth, not having a job. Fluctuating between, trying to apply for jobs that I simply didn’t have time for. Opting in to pyramid schemes. Or Signing up for online courses. All to “look like” I did something.
I was ashamed, felt utterly useless even to the kids. It seemed like all I did was make average dinners no one liked and do dishes. There was no end in sight. Something had to change.
With a mountain of self-help books, insightful fiction and a serious (2 year) hunt into what I truly wanted, the end was near. At least the end of this feeling.
I mean, obviously, Investing in personal development never ends.
These days, I’ve got tougher skin and have a mountain of creative responses prepared.
Having a job isn’t my worth. Knowing I do fulfilling work is a part of it.
So, what do I really do?
I am a Stay-At-Home-Mum, a Student & a writer. That’s it. It’s only complicated if you define complicated as — more than one thing is confusing.
Me working never made sense for our family. I had no experience, and my partner had been at work for 10 years. Even if I did work, it would barely cover childcare costs.
Working to pay for childcare? What a colossal waste that would’ve been.
Things have changed a lot having both kids in school, but above all, I am still a Stay-At-Home-Mum (SAHM). And am 1000% OK with that.
“… I can understand that feeling about a housewife’s work being like that of Sisyphus (who was the stone rolling gentleman).
But it is surely in reality the most important work in the world. … So your job is the one for which all others exist…” — C.S. Lewis
The Ultimate Job
Being a SAHM is the ultimate job. I can see that so clearly now. My partner works to put food on the table, clothe us, shelter us and everything else. Clothes that I wash, food I turn to meals and the house I turned into a home. My Partner’s work exists to fuel our family. My work drives it.
Providing my kids with love and attention, going to playgroups, libraries, and adventures, being by their side as they learn and grow is special. Being there when they need me matters. Whether they’ve had a falling out at school or wake up vomiting, I get to be there. Through it all, they know they can fall into me.
What an incredible privilege. The intense bonds with my girls make the pain worth it.
If only I’d not taken so long to see it.
Too much love never spoils children. Children become spoilt when we substitute “presents” for “presence”. — Anthony Witham.
More than fun
“Being SAHM must be so much fun!” — Says the young childless woman/pregnant mother/stranger.
Wrong, it’s damn hard work that is unpaid and 24 hours a day. I never stop thinking about my girls. I mean that’s parenting for you. But being a stay at home mum is like being an on-call nurse you never know what your next call will be.
You can’t hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here.
OK, fine so it’s not entirely wrong… It is fun to sing nursery rhymes at midday, read Dr’. Seuss on repeat & go on long neighbourhood walks with the pram. And so much more great stuff we did together, Puddle walks anyone?
But my point is, it isn’t JUST fun. A SAHM has to prepare a bag full of nappies, wipes, healthy snacks, pull out change mats, drawing equipment and whatever else they need. And we did cloth nappies/wipes, it’s a whole other level carrying pee in a wet bag.
All which depends on the length of the journey, the attitude of the kid when leaving and where you are going (some peoples houses were far from child friendly).
Even with the girls at 5 & 9, I still carry water, hanky’s and snacks everywhere.
It can be so so so much fun. And I’m not complaining, or not trying to. It is so rewarding and worth it. But be ready to wear stacks of hats, simultaneously.
Raising my children is important
“Her goal was to push us out into the world. “I’m not raising babies,” she’d tell us. “I’m raising adults.” ― Michelle Obama, Becoming
That I am.
Raising adults that is. To me, being a parent is the most important job in the world.
The older they get the more I can see the important lessons I’ve accidentally and intentionally instilled in them. I read somewhere that children are 90% like in speech and behaviour the parent the spend the most time with. So when my eldest comes out with —
“I’m doing my homework early because learning is important and I want to get it out of the way” or my youngest says “Just 5 more minutes” (To stay in bed). This is from my teachings.
When they are honest and give back money someone dropped, drink plenty of water without being asked, teach their sister something new. I did that.
I am so proud (and slightly terrified) of the power of being a Mum. Proud because I’m giving them the tools they need to be independent and go out and be incredible humans. Terrified because I say/and behave stupidly sometimes, we all do but, being a mum is so important, and I’m their biggest example, I don’t wanna ef them up.
The older they get the less I have to fear, my daughters are incredible. I won’t be able to take credit for much longer.
I really am OK with it
It took me 9 years (total) of rude comments, sassy cold shoulders and a serious self-worth improvement, but today I can honestly say I can now answer the “What do you do?” question with pride.
I dug deep and discovered I am so much more than just a Stay-at-home-Mum.
I understand, my worth isn’t dependent on others or what I do. I accept myself and my use in the world, to my kids at least, I am irreplaceable. My work is never done, and I will forever embrace its importance. I am a mother.
I have the Ultimate job. The most fulfilling part of my identity. The most challenging, rewarding job in the universe. This work comes with so much more power than expected.
Fingers crossed I can wield the power admirably.
Bridie D, Smiling Politely.
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