I’ve Never Had a One-Night Stand (and I’m Not Sure How I Feel About It)

What it means and if it matters

I’ve never had a one-night stand—not as a teenager, college student, or single adult.

And I’m not sure how I feel about it.

Strangely, I didn’t even realize that I hadn’t experienced a one-night stand until my girlfriend and I started talking about it the other day.

We were going over some of our past experiences, and the thought struck me.

Hmm…I guess I’ve never had a one-night stand.

After my epiphany, I started thinking more deeply about one-night stands, what they mean, and if it matters that I’ve never had one.

How I Define a One-Night Stand

Let’s start with the basics. I define a one-night stand as a single sexual experience with someone you’ve never met before and who you never see, talk to, text, or have any other type of interaction with ever again.

One-night stands enter and exit our lives like ghosts.

It’s almost as if they never existed.

By this definition, I’ve never had a one-night stand. I’ve slept with people I met the same day or night, but never with someone I never saw or talked to in any way ever again.

There was always some kind of future interaction.

Perhaps I saw them on campus, started dating them, or — at a bare minimum — sent them a text or social media message at least one more time.

Is Not Having a One-Night Stand a Flex?

I’m definitely not flexing that I’ve never had a one-night stand. As if I only enter into sexual relationships with people I intend to lock down in an exclusive relationship.

I never set out to have a one-night stand, nor have I ever set out not to have one.

In other words, I never purposely pursued sex with strangers with the intention of no future interaction. In many cases, I would have been okay with that, albeit with a side dish of disappointment.

Like Briana Shaw, I get the appeal of a one-night stand:

I have a few friends who always tell me I don’t know what I’m missing when it comes to one-night stands. They tell me one-night stands are full of passion and lust. They say there’s no better feeling than hooking up with a rando.

My lack of intention, more than anything else, is probably the reason I never have experienced a one-night stand.

Watching this 2-minute video about the 5 Stages of one-night stands makes me think I’m missing an epic adventure:

On the same token, sometimes the other person initiated the follow-up interaction. Therefore, I was not always the source of upending my chances for an elusive one-night stand.

Sometimes I reached out, sometimes they did.

The Closest I Ever Got to a One-Night Stand

The closest I ever got to a one-night stand is actually my first full sexual experience.

I kept my pristine virginity until college (well, mostly). One night at a German house party, I met an upperclassman. We hit it off, and in the haze of multi-drug inebriation, staggered back to her place.

Yes, it was an awkward experience because I had no idea what I was doing.

All the sensations were new. I remember thinking to myself, “Am I having sex right now?” And I honestly didn’t know the answer.

Although we never saw each other romantically again, I went to college in a very small town, so it was inevitable that we would encounter each other on campus again at some point.

Plus, we knew some of the same people, at least peripherally.

Our social circles never really crossed again, but they did orbit each other.

Do One-Night Stands Matter?

I thought about this a lot in the last year. Before then, I didn’t even realize it was a potential issue.

Am I missing out on something for not having a one-night stand? Is the one-night stand some sort of milestone or initiation into adulthood?

Some people think that one-night stands are the best thing ever and that you’re a prude if you don’t do them. Others think that they are pointless and just lead to drama and heartache.

Still, others judge one-night stands as sinful.

I don’t see anything inherently wrong with a one-night stand, but I also don’t view it as some sort of mandatory crossroad.

The very definition of a one-night stand is to experience something meaningless.

There is an argument that I don’t know if they matter or not since I’ve never experienced one. I can’t deny the truth in that statement.

However, I like what Jessica Blakely says in her Bolde article:

One big thing one-night stands and not having them has taught me is that there are things I really don’t have to force myself to experience in order to know that they’re not for me. In this case, casual sex is a lot like drugs. I know they’re not right for me and so I won’t do them. It might sound inflexible and boring to some but I don’t care. I’m staying true to what feels right to me, and that’s what matters.

At the same time, I do understand the value of meaningless things. Silly adventures with no point can fill the soul. It’s as if meaningless things make the good things in life feel more meaningful.

But, ultimately, I don’t think that one-night stands matter.

They’re just a fun diversion and nothing more. They can add some spice to your life, but they’re not going to fulfill you in any profound or lasting way.

If you’re looking for something more than a fleeting fantasy, then you re going to have to look elsewhere.

Final Thoughts

In the grand scheme of things, I really don’t think one-night stands matter.

But they can be fun, so if that’s what you’re looking for, go for it! Just don’t expect too much from them.

If you’re going to have a one-night stand, you might as well read The Science of Stronger Orgasms

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