I’ve Gained 805 Followers In 20 days. So Why Do I Still Doubt Myself?

How I’ve found an endless source of confidence

After 2 months on Medium I had 13 followers.

I was unsure of myself and doubted my writing. This is understandable given how small I was. We tell ourselves success will banish the doubts. With growth, we expect confidence and a stronger sense of self.

We look at writers with big numbers and imagine they live in a lovely bubble of confidence. Free from insecurity. Over the last 8 months, I’ve seen my growth get better and better. To the point where I’ve passed 1800 followers:

But I’ve noticed a toxic pattern.

We reach a milestone. Feel on top of the world. Think anything is possible. But the moment doesn’t last. We look ahead. And compare ourselves with those who are bigger. We feel inadequate. And remind ourselves that we haven’t made it.

The longer I write the more I realise the biggest challenge isn’t words, content, or building an audience. The biggest battle we face is with ourselves.

Win that and anything is possible.

An endless source of confidence

I run 3 times a week. But my runs aren’t equal. There is one that feels different. Odd as it sounds it’s because of my running tops. There is one with magic powers.

I’ve always dreamt of being a marathon runner.

When I turned 40 decided it was now or never. So I trained for 6 months to run the Edinburgh marathon. Endless dark hours getting up early to train and sacrificing my days off. I was so excited. But I injured my knee 6 weeks before the race. I could hardly walk. And entered a pit of despair.

Being the idiot I am after 6 weeks of rest. I decided to wear a knee brace and give it a go anyway. I had no idea whether my knee could take 26 miles of pounding on concrete.

The answer was it couldn’t.

At 20 miles a sharp pain appeared. I had to stop running. My family was waiting at the finish 4 miles away. And I had no way of getting home so I had to limp to the finish line. Feeling devastated.

But then something odd happened.

As I passed mile marker 24. The crowds started to swell. The noise increased. A crazy thought snuck into my mind. An insane idea. Only 2 miles? I could do that.

My limp increased to a slow hobble which became a full run. I passed 25 miles. I was really doing this. I was running the last mile of the Edinburgh Marathon. I was going to complete the race.

I crossed the finishing line with shock and disbelief. The adrenaline numbed the pain long enough for me to complete the race. I had done it.

Overcoming toxic self-doubt

That race in 2015 contains the secret that helps me write in 2023.

And it’s because of this magic top:

Every time I put on this top with finisher 2015 on the back. I get a spring in my step. I raise my head a little higher. I have a bit more confidence in myself. The memories come flooding back as I celebrate my achievement. And identify as a marathon runner.

This is powerful because 99% of the time we do the opposite.

We focus on the gap between where we are and where we feel we should be. The number of followers or views or earnings.

Do it now. Look at your follower number. What do you think? It’s not as high as X. You look at how far short you are.

This is toxic.

Every piece of progress is devalued. Because we compare it to something more. And live forever in that gap. You get 100 followers but want 500. You get 500 but want 1000. You get 1000 but want 2000. It never ends. This drains our energy and our confidence. Robbing us of any joy we might get from our efforts.

You’ll be surprised to know even big creators make this mistake. Once wrote a piece praising a successful writer and outlining the lessons I’d learned from them. They messaged me to thank me. They were feeling low and so my praise was a lift. Do you not record your wins? I asked. No, she said.

Your brain will obsess over how far short you are.

So you need to actively remember your wins. Collect the best comments on your stuff. Recall how many words you’ve written. Celebrate the number of articles.

Put on your 2015 finisher shirt.

It’ll boost your confidence. And give you a spring in your step.

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